to be sick of dh swanning off to this conference EVERY year

[morlando]

Ever since I have been married to dh he has swanned off to a 4 day conference every year. It's not work related although it is to do with his profession. Although there are talks and seminars every day its more of a 'jolly' with everyone staying in a 4 star hotel, going out for dinners and drinks every night.

When we didn't have dc's it was fine. Our first dd was 4 months old when he went to the conference for a 4 day overnight stay. At the time I was back at work full-time trying to manage work and a baby on my own. I suffered terribly with PND after a horrific 3rd degree tear and was in a lot of physical pain still. I asked him not to go but he still went.

DD is now 8 and he has been going to these conferences every year still. We now have a 2 year old dd and yep once again he has swanned off to his conference. I have been at home struggling with work and looking after two children while he is away. Last week was a nightmare juggling nursery and school drop off and pickups without him. I've had a few texts from him while he's been out enjoying meals and drinks with friends.

I am totally fed up. Hasn't helped that while he's been away I've also had to cope with the boiler breaking, dd's bedroom window breaking (due to severe wind, so it is hanging off the frame) and a poorly cat who had to go the vet.

I am raging. I told him this year I didn't want him to go as I can't cope with everything on my own but he went. His excuse is that its good for his professional development. He's never had a job offer or other opportunities resulting from his attending the conference as far as I can tell.

AIBU to tell him if he goes to the conference next year I will divorce him. It sounds harsh but I am sick of being left on my own to cope. He is meant to be going to another non work related conference next month although he hasn't decided yet if he's going.

He left Wednesday morning and wont be back til very late Sunday night. In the meantime I am barely coping . Trying to find a glazier to fix the window, a plumber to fix the boiler and entertaining two children plus a sick cat.

[Mintyy]

I think its a bit ott to divorce someone for going away for 4 nights out of 365, yes, tbh.

[HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey]

Divorce maybe a bit ott but it sounds like he's not very worried about your feelings, what does he say when you say you don't want him to go?

[Dropdeadfred]

Just book yourself a long weekend away ASAP .... Then he might appreciate how you feel

[QuestionTime]

Sorry but I think that YABU. It's once a year and conferences are a bug part of the business I'm in also. It wouldn't look good if I didn't attend - a huge amount of networking and manoeuvring goes on at them. I'd really resent my DH telling me not to go. Sorry.

[manicbmc]

Book yourself a nice long weekend spa break. Then leave him to it.

[JumpingThroughHoops]

'coping' for 4 days? Divorcing him if he goes again? I think you'll find 365 days a year alone, coping would be a damned site harder.

Networking, within profession, is a good way to stay a head of the game, keep the feelers out for better job offers, see what competitor companies are doing etc.

You need to grow up a bit and realise what he does is put bread, butter and some jam on your table.

frankly if you cant phone a plumber, carpenter and running a cat to a vet you sure as hell wont cope as a single mother.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Erm no offence but you sound like you have bigger problems than a conference.

I go to a 3 day conference every year and fully expect to continue when I have DC. It is good for professional development: I don't get job offers there (well, I did once) but it's about people 'seeing your face' at the big annual get-together, about being part of the who's who in your profession. I always give a paper there.

I would expect DP to just cope for that time, just like I will give him time off.

If he is fine the other 361 days of the year, I don't see the problem. But I get the feeling he's not.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Jumping that is a bit harsh - OP said she works too so why assume she should be grateful for him being the breadwinner?

[morlando]

Well if not divorce, what? I'm sick of him just swanning off and leaving me to it. He decided he wanted a family and yet acts like a singleton. If the conference was necessary for work then of course I wouldn't complain (well not as much!) but basically it's just a jolly for him, he gets to relax in a nice hotel while I am juggling work and childcare.

I am in a very fragile mental state right now and am barely managing to hold down my job and look after two small demanding children. He knows this but doesn't seem to give a damn.

[redskyatnight]

If it literally is just the 4 day conference once a year I think YABU - these things are mostly about making contacts and getting to know people and have invisible benefits - or will have in the future. If he goes out a lot and this is the final straw I agree perhaps he needs to rethink his committments.

[manicbmc]

What is he like when he's home?

[FallenCaryatid]

You sound very martyred, which is never a good thing in a relationship. My OH and I have always attended conferences and gone places separately for our areas of interest, but we do it equally and share the childcare. We also holiday together.
He shouldn't stop doing something he enjoys because you're having a hissy fit, you need to stop whinging and do something for a long weekend yourself whilst he takes care of the children.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Well like I said, you sound like you have bigger problems that you need to talk about.

I mean, to be fair, it's hard to judge what 'necessary for work' means. My boss just assumes I will go to our annual conference and help represent the dept. Of course he wouldn't fire me if I didn't go, but it would stand out. We're in a recession - people are being made redundant - you stand out a few too many times and you might be one of them.

But when you say he acts like singleton what else do you mean?

[FallenCaryatid]

None of the conferences I go to are necessary for my work, they are just fun.
Mostly the same for OH.

[morlando]

revolting I repeat (already said this twice) the conference is nothing to do with his job. He is lucky that his boss is understanding enough to let him attend as he has to take 3 working days off to go. If he didn't go it would not affect his current employment whatsoever.

[Merrylegs]

You sound very anxious and he is obviously not picking up on that, dismissing it or thinking/believing that you actually can/should cope.

It is not unreasonable for him to go away for four days once a year under normal circumstances.

But your reaction suggests the circumstances might not be normal.

How would he be helping you if he was around? Would he be the one to call the plumber or take the cat to the vet, or would you be able to do that - would it just seem less insurmountable if he were with you?

[FallenCaryatid]

What's the problem with discussing a more equal split and you getting time and space for yourself?

[TheEternalOptimist]

Is it really just this conference? You seem very annoyed with him if that is "all" it is.

If he normally shares the responsibilities of having a family then I would say YABU.

A four day trip once a year should not leave you feeling so ragged that you are thinking of divorce.

[PoohBearsHole]

My dh does 2 x 4-5 day conferences per year, at least, it is always over a weekend and usually at the same time all my help (parents/ils etc) are away. One time when heavily pg we had a builder come into our home, the build had finished long before and they hadn't notified me of this action and I came back to find dirty marks on the stairs and skid marks in my loo.

I did however manage to get a locksmith, change our locks, call our solicitor and go to my first nct meeting on my own where everyone thought I was on my own and didn't really speak to me .

However although dh gets drunk (and last year got so drunk on the flight with a colleague that he forgot to get my much asked for and wanted duty free) and comes back grumpy and in a different time zone I can appreciate that him being there is good for his face value. He has incidentally never been given or offered another job BUT I know that he has had people call him years later asking for something/work related. Its not instant but it does happen. Unless he is going to a Sci Fi conference I think yabalittleu.

You will cope for four days, its only 4 days.

[Rachog]

I would say yabu but if you are really struggling then maybe he could have given this year a miss.

Under normal cirumstances I would say that 4 nights is not unreasonable though, everyone deserves a bit of time off.

[mumto2andnomore]

I don't see the problem with him going as long as you book a nice weekend away with your friends once a year too, it will do you both good to have a break

[FallenCaryatid]

'Unless he is going to a Sci Fi conference I think yabalittleu. '

I used to go to the Discworld convention...should I not have?
OH didn't mind and managed two children and his job. I also went to proper archaeological conferences and did clever stuff too.

[morlando]

merry because he hasn't been around this week I have had to sort out the nursery and school drop offs. As I commute to work and have an 08.30 start this means it has been an incredibly difficult week. I have had to take time off from work so that I can do the drop offs which has not gone down well with my new boss (started new job 3 weeks ago). I have had to leave work early in order to pick up my dd from after school club which finishes at 17:30 - I normally dont get home til 18.30. So there has been a lot of stress for me.

I did ask DH if he could change his flight times so that he could at least do the drop offs on Wednesday morning, he said he could, but then didn't as he knew I'd have to somehow cope without him.

8 months ago he went to another conference in New York which involved 5 nights away from home. This was also to do with his professional interests and not work. I wasn't working then so it didn't affect me as much.

[AlpinePony]

So next year why not go away with the children to centerparcs rather than worrying about "coping". There are a myriad of methods to work around his absence but you seem determined to make yourself as miserable as possible - what are you achieving by this? You're miserable, your children and cat probably are too and I'd say it's a pretty good incentive for your husband to make the most of it.

Stop being such a victim and loosen up (and book a nice hotel for next year!).

[quoteunquote]

If he didn't go it would not affect his current employment whatsoever

maybe not but does he feel if he didn't have these few days of "a jolly", that he wouldn't cope with the other demands of work and home,

maybe you could learn by his example and find some sort of respite that would meet your needs, so you feel less drained.

I do recognise your frustration, but rather than take away from him, you need to give to you, that way you will both be happy.