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dodgy texts?

(68 Posts)
Beaker1983 Thu 07-Jun-12 15:23:05

I found a string of text messages in his phone from a female colleague none of which were overtly sexual or pointed directly towards cheating but are making me feel extremely worried that he may be having an emotional affair.

The first time I have ever snooped in my 7year relationship I found a text arranging to have lunch with her when I had previously tried to arranged to spend the day with him but he had turned me down. The second was when he had been off work sick for a week and she sent him a text telling him she misses him and referring to him as graybear, he sent one back equally as intimate calling her by a nickname based on her surname saying he couldn't wait to see her. The third major message that concerned me was on her birthday where he told her she was getting more and more beautiful. He never, ever sends me messages or talks to me in such a loving way. They text each other at least 4 times a day, more that anyone else and always with a overly friendly tone even if the topic is workbased.

We are barely ever intimate anymore and I'm now 8 month pregnant with 1st child and am feeling so vulnerable, he used to talk about her all the time but recently is reluctant to talk about her, last I heard she was on the verge of splitting up with her partner, I have tried to find out if she is single but not sure.

I have no idea if I am just being paranoid or if he is being inappropriate or if something is going on. Im scared if telling him what I have seen because I know I shouldn't have been snooping.

Can anyone offer me some sane advise cos I'm very much short of it here...

MudCity Wed 02-Jan-13 07:20:00

Really feel for you. However, don't feel guilty about snooping right now. You snooped because you had doubts. Sit him down and say you need to talk about your relationship. Focus any conversation on your relationship rather than what is going on with the OW. Ultimately, it is your relationship that really matters here so talk about how he is feeling about it. That is a good, non-blaming way of initiating the conversation. If he is unhappy or feeling unloved then it will encourage him to open up and talk about it with you and not with the OW. You want to be the one he has emotional intimacy with so look at creating opportunities to make that happen.

Of course, all this is easier said and done but if he feels you are going to attack him then he may not open up and you won't get anywhere. Try the touchy-freely approach first. Let him know he is loved and how much you want him.

I know, I know...I would be furious, I really would. While that may work, it may also drive him away. Only you know your DP and only you know what may work. Some DPs need anger and fury to get through to them, others need a touchy-freely 'let me try to understand you' approach.

Get him talking. If he feels you understand him and you can get that intimacy back he will not need the OW.

Good luck. Really sorry you are having to go through this. Take care of yourself.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Tue 01-Jan-13 16:55:55

I'm so sorry that you are still going through this.

But it's going to go on and on and on and on and on......

Frankly, I also think you have enough evidence. What more do you actually need?

MudCity Tue 01-Jan-13 16:50:09

I'm so sorry for you too. No advice. Just a huge amount of sympathy.

You sound lovely. He sounds immature and stupid.

He absolutely doesn't deserve you.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Tue 01-Jan-13 16:50:01

My story - My XH was texting OW over 100 times a day. I discovered this shortly after he walked out on me saying he didnt love me. I discovered this in April, he said he was supporting her and vice versa.

I tried to see the best in this and believe that there was nothing going on. I begged my XH to come back and he refused.

We were divorced in November after I realised that even if he changed his mind, I would never trust him again anyway. He deceived me by ringing, emailing, facebooking, flirting with, texting her all behind my back.

Her H trusts him as he is his best mate. hmm

Your H needs to face up to the reality of what he is doing and that it is unacceptable. The only thing you can do is walk away from him to shock him into what he will lose.

There is no way that he can justify what he is doing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:47:13

"But he told me there was an office rumor that they were having an affair."

Best place to hide a book is in a library. Best place to hide the truth is to dress it up as a rumour...

So come on, what's your next move? What are you going to do concrete in the next 24 hours that is going to make your life even a little better than it is right now?

HecatePropolos Tue 01-Jan-13 16:41:52

Sweetie, if that man says good morning to you, you should check your watch before replying. And you should probably just save yourself the time and slip on your nightie.

You have only his word that there's anything going on beyond their affair that caused problems at work. How can you know he didn't make up the other issue in order to confuse things for you?

What do you want to do? What do you want to happen?

I think you can safely say that he's not going to give her up.

So the ball is in your court here. What do you want? You can't have him faithful to you, he isn't going to let that happen. So - what now?

What proof do you need?

I need to see X...


When you get it, what will you do?

If you don't get it, what will you do?

It is really shit. I am so so sorry for you.

Beaker1983 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:35:52

Her being suspended was due to an alleged offence with a minor. But he told me there was an office rumor that they were having an affair.

Feel really fucking stupid about all of it

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:35:48

So go to your family. No need to wait for more proof or torture yourself any further. No need for big confrontations where he can hurt you with more lies. Pack your bags up, go to your family and then book an appointment with a solicitor. What are you still holding out for? That he's been telling you the shiny truth all this time? That he'll say it's all been a big mistake and beg your forgiveness?.. hmm

shotofexpresso Tue 01-Jan-13 16:34:01

Oh god just read all of this , what more do you need? do like feeling so disrespected? do you not want kick both of their faces in, throw him out of your house? set them on fire?

wheres the fury?

Beaker1983 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:32:21

The gym is near his work, he works in a kind of social workerish environment so he takes the young adults he works with there.

I would leave him mainly because I hate this house and would prefer to move closer to my family. While I have told what's going on so both mother and sister would let us stay whilst we were getting everything sorted

HecatePropolos Tue 01-Jan-13 16:31:09

I apologise for the bluntness of my last sentence. I didn't mean to be so heartless. It was born of anger at the way he is treating you and a desire for you to see that you don't have to have this 'proof' that you think you do. I promise you that I do understand waiting for this concrete irrefutable proof that may never come, as if you don't have the right to leave without it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:29:09

Don't you have a car btw? Could you get a taxi to the gym and confront him when he either doesn't show up or strolls in with Little Miss Nickname?

HecatePropolos Tue 01-Jan-13 16:29:07


you've got texts, you've got intimate 'pet names', you've got lies, you've got meetings, you've got a fairly good idea that they've been behaving inappropriately at work which has led to problems for them there (this is my interpretation of the workplace investigation, the sanctions, the ban on them being in contact, her subsequent relocation to another department, etc. It just smacks of workplace affair in breech of company rules, although I may of course be totally wrong there), you've got him being romantic with her - saying how beautiful she is, you've got him prioritising time with her over time with you, you've got him building a social life with her, you've got him getting cosy with her family members...

With the best will in the world - What more proof do you need? To walk in and see him bending her over the rowing machine?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:25:05

Why are you the one walking? You have a baby don't you? And why are you still talking about proof? When he leaves for a legover with his 'colleague' at the gym tomorrow (and who travels that far for a gym???), pack his bag, leave it on the step and bolt the door... You've got more than enough proof as it is.

ohfunnyhoneyface Tue 01-Jan-13 16:20:04

This is awful!

He is obviously cheating- he cares more about her than you or his child- selfish prick.

Leave them to it- he has risked his job, your only source of income, for HER!!

Beaker1983 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:19:55

I'm beginning to think I may need to grow a pair smile he is going to the gym tomorrow ('on his own') but has arranged to meet her there, it's a shame it's 45 miles away I really want proof before I walk...

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 01-Jan-13 16:11:02

"why the continued lies if there is nothing for me to worry about?"

Because there is a lot for you to worry about.... not least that he thinks you are utterly stupid for keeping on swallowing the very tall, very stinking pile of crap he keeps dishing up. He's an A-Grade, Olympic standard shit and the quicker you show him the door the better.

HecatePropolos Tue 01-Jan-13 16:03:38

They're at it.

It is as plain as day.

He isn't going to stop.

You have to decide if you're willing to live in a thruple, or not.

I am so sorry.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 01-Jan-13 16:02:21

Do you have "mug" tattooed on your forehead ? sad

badinage Tue 01-Jan-13 15:59:43

Sorry love, it's abundantly clear they've been having an affair for at least 6-7 months and there's no way it isn't physical.

Why are you putting up with this? They are treating you and her partner with complete contempt.

Offred Tue 01-Jan-13 15:55:55

It isn't his relationship with her you have to worry about basically, it is his relationship with you. He is shutting all over it by lying so much. It is very disrespectful and I would see it as a sign that he did not view me as an equal in the relationship.

Offred Tue 01-Jan-13 15:52:56

(Even if he did say he would stop lying, he has no intention of actually doing it)

Offred Tue 01-Jan-13 15:52:14

sad I would say at this point it doesn't matter if he is actually having a physical relationship with her or not. I might call it an affair anyway but even without this his continued and consistent lying I don't think is something I would want to get past.

Beaker1983 Tue 01-Jan-13 15:36:24

Um hi smile feeling a bit sheepish replying on this thread considering. I did confront OH regarding the texts and he talked me down by explaining that this was a misunderstanding the other woman was depressed and he was trying to cheer her up.

Since then things have been tense esp on the subject of her. She had major problems at work which lead to accusations that lead to her being suspended. My OH was categorically told he was not to have any contact with her on pain of looking his job (must admit to being v happy with that) ..... Then found out that to get around this ban he was texting her mother!!! Who kept going into his workplace and giving him presents for my child. I checked his phone again and found a text saying that they had met up (with her OH) which he had lied to me about. I again had it out with him and he said he had lied to 'protect me'

We agreed that he wouldn't lie to me again about meeting her. Since then she has been moved to another department and the restrictions have been lifted. He texts her a huge number of times every single day. I'mrreally not comfortable with any if this but recently he has been going to the gym 5+ times a week (he loves going to the gym) before DD was born this was something we used to do together but he told me he was doing on his own. I know for a fact that he is meeting her there and is lying about it

I'm so sick of the lies, I'm still pretty sure there is nothing physically going on but I really don't trust him, why the continued lies if there is nothing for me to worry about?

midwife99 Fri 08-Jun-12 06:34:50

Hope the confrontation went ok & you're alright sad

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