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dodgy texts?

(68 Posts)
Beaker1983 Thu 07-Jun-12 15:23:05

I found a string of text messages in his phone from a female colleague none of which were overtly sexual or pointed directly towards cheating but are making me feel extremely worried that he may be having an emotional affair.

The first time I have ever snooped in my 7year relationship I found a text arranging to have lunch with her when I had previously tried to arranged to spend the day with him but he had turned me down. The second was when he had been off work sick for a week and she sent him a text telling him she misses him and referring to him as graybear, he sent one back equally as intimate calling her by a nickname based on her surname saying he couldn't wait to see her. The third major message that concerned me was on her birthday where he told her she was getting more and more beautiful. He never, ever sends me messages or talks to me in such a loving way. They text each other at least 4 times a day, more that anyone else and always with a overly friendly tone even if the topic is workbased.

We are barely ever intimate anymore and I'm now 8 month pregnant with 1st child and am feeling so vulnerable, he used to talk about her all the time but recently is reluctant to talk about her, last I heard she was on the verge of splitting up with her partner, I have tried to find out if she is single but not sure.

I have no idea if I am just being paranoid or if he is being inappropriate or if something is going on. Im scared if telling him what I have seen because I know I shouldn't have been snooping.

Can anyone offer me some sane advise cos I'm very much short of it here...

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 16:50:04

There's absolutely no need for you to use the word 'sorry', honey, as he's the one that's got the explaining and the apologising to do.

Again, act on midwife's advice; if he doesn't end all contact with the ow he loses you, his home, and his pfb.

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 17:07:56

Don't say sorry!

likeatonneofbricks Thu 07-Jun-12 17:23:59

saying a polite 'sorry'' won't change the gist of the talk or that the main issue is his behaviour. OP doesn't have to say it, but as she's feeling guilty about snooping it might help start conversation, and show that she does normally respect privacy. It's not some grovelling apology grin - that remains his job.

Rudawakening Thu 07-Jun-12 18:25:50

I had an affair with a married work colleague a long time ago when I was single. This is definitely how we were. I would say 100% they are having an affair either emotional or physical probably both.

So sorry you're going through this.

TheEndIsntInSight Thu 07-Jun-12 18:44:39

I too had an affair with a married work colleague a while back and this is exactly how we were. I'm sorry sad

AnyFucker Thu 07-Jun-12 19:01:00

I am really sorry, OP

I think it best if you screw up your courage and do as midwife says

I think you are considering just hoping this will blow over if you keep your gob shut

well, this ain't the 1950's and this ain't the set of Mad Men

you deserve much respect as the imminent bearer of his pfb and he is not giving it to you

I agree with everything said so far, but I am concerned at your fear of raising the issue

Beaker1983 Thu 07-Jun-12 19:08:15

I'm am too! I have to do it though, I think I'm more worried about not doing it correctly... I want the truth, I want to be able to corner him to make sure I get the whole truth. This is not the first time its happened to me although the last time (who was my first love ironically) he came clean immediately without me having to argue with him. I was a lot younger then but it totally destroyed my confidence.

Thank you for the advice, he should be home soon... not been this nervous for so long

AnyFucker Thu 07-Jun-12 19:11:00

you sound lovely btw

something2say Thu 07-Jun-12 19:35:39

Thinking of you x x x

clam Thu 07-Jun-12 19:37:21

Do NOT allow him to derail the conversation by banging on about you reading his texts. That is SO not the issue.

Charlotte1234 Thu 07-Jun-12 19:40:28

Be brave. Good luck. x

izzyizin Thu 07-Jun-12 20:11:06

Fingers crossed for you, honey, and sending waves of Warrior Woman vibes through the ether to sharpen your sword of righteousness.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Jun-12 20:28:31

Hope it's going OK, OP

midwife99 Thu 07-Jun-12 20:38:12

Let us know if you're ok later sad

tryingtobestonger Thu 07-Jun-12 20:38:41

Feeling for you. I went through something very similar when my DD was 8 months old. I found lots of text messages on his phone and he admitted it when I confronted him. He said he would finish it and we talked about him moving jobs and us going to Relate to work on our marriage. Sadly I didn't follow through on these things and he has just walked out 16 months later as I found out the affair had continued. It was kept incredibly well hidden!

My point is - if he is having an affair and you decide to work things out (which I hope you do for your baby's sake) please please make sure you follow through with any plans you put in place to work on things. Make sure he doesn't have any contact with OW at all!!

He wasn't too worried about me reading the text's in the first place as the shock of me discovering them and him unable to deny them really overshone any angst he had with me for doing so. I therefore wouldn't worry too much about this - I don't think he can deny them at all. He did however soon get a new phone that had a password on it so I couldn't ever check messages again..........

MissFaversham Thu 07-Jun-12 20:50:38

Another one here sending "strength" vibes to you sweetheart.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 07-Jun-12 22:05:28

This link may help:

idontbelieveanymore Thu 07-Jun-12 22:35:38

Hope you are ok op

midwife99 Fri 08-Jun-12 06:34:50

Hope the confrontation went ok & you're alright sad

Beaker1983 Tue 01-Jan-13 15:36:24

Um hi smile feeling a bit sheepish replying on this thread considering. I did confront OH regarding the texts and he talked me down by explaining that this was a misunderstanding the other woman was depressed and he was trying to cheer her up.

Since then things have been tense esp on the subject of her. She had major problems at work which lead to accusations that lead to her being suspended. My OH was categorically told he was not to have any contact with her on pain of looking his job (must admit to being v happy with that) ..... Then found out that to get around this ban he was texting her mother!!! Who kept going into his workplace and giving him presents for my child. I checked his phone again and found a text saying that they had met up (with her OH) which he had lied to me about. I again had it out with him and he said he had lied to 'protect me'

We agreed that he wouldn't lie to me again about meeting her. Since then she has been moved to another department and the restrictions have been lifted. He texts her a huge number of times every single day. I'mrreally not comfortable with any if this but recently he has been going to the gym 5+ times a week (he loves going to the gym) before DD was born this was something we used to do together but he told me he was doing on his own. I know for a fact that he is meeting her there and is lying about it

I'm so sick of the lies, I'm still pretty sure there is nothing physically going on but I really don't trust him, why the continued lies if there is nothing for me to worry about?

Offred Tue 01-Jan-13 15:52:14

sad I would say at this point it doesn't matter if he is actually having a physical relationship with her or not. I might call it an affair anyway but even without this his continued and consistent lying I don't think is something I would want to get past.

Offred Tue 01-Jan-13 15:52:56

(Even if he did say he would stop lying, he has no intention of actually doing it)

Offred Tue 01-Jan-13 15:55:55

It isn't his relationship with her you have to worry about basically, it is his relationship with you. He is shutting all over it by lying so much. It is very disrespectful and I would see it as a sign that he did not view me as an equal in the relationship.

badinage Tue 01-Jan-13 15:59:43

Sorry love, it's abundantly clear they've been having an affair for at least 6-7 months and there's no way it isn't physical.

Why are you putting up with this? They are treating you and her partner with complete contempt.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 01-Jan-13 16:02:21

Do you have "mug" tattooed on your forehead ? sad

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