Fed up with my life - I just want to leave it all behind

[Summerbum]

Sorry if this sounds a bit self indulgent. I just need to vent somewhere and MN has been great for helping me in the past.

Marriage to DH seems like it is going down the pan, counselling hasn't helped, I'm just frustrated with him and our endless arguments over silly trivial things that then end up major things. Now we have big blow ups in front of the children which I think is becoming damaging.

I've posted about DD before and think our arguing is affecting her, at 5yo, she has been causing me real stress with her fibbing and taking other children's stuff from school, I caught her today with more taken things and despite me asking her, she flat out lied, so she has had tv and priveleges taken away. She always seems naughty and I feel I am constantly shouting at her.

My DS who is nearly 2 and 1/2 is turning into the child that I can only describe as like those kids on Supernanny. Tonight after 2 and 1/2 hours of tantrums, pooey nappies, crying and refusing to go to sleep he finally exhausted himself onto me, and fell asleep, I know at midnight though he will awake and once again scream till he is carried into our bed till morning. I should also point out DD is hell to get to sleep too, she too nodded off at the same time, thankfully sleeps.

I've also fallen out with my mother, we already have a fractious relationship but she was supposed to come round and help me tonight but at the last minute cancelled saying she was tired. She seems to know when I feel crap as I can always rely on her to make me feel worse when I need her at difficult times.

I'm also feeling I've lost all my friendships. My life revolves around the children and their never ending classes and playdates. I have no girlfriends I can have a night out with, the mum friends I do talk to are quite shy and don't tend to socialise outside kids and family. I've tried getting out and meeting people but all comes to nothing, counsellor suggested but no lasting frendships where I can have a banter and confide in my crap days.

I just feel tired, tearful and just want to escape it all. So totally sad and fed up with everything.

There it is all down here, if you read and tell me to pull myself together, I've tried, the glass is half empty for me currently. Everything feels pointless.

Sorry for rambling.

[EclecticShock]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, is it always like this or is it just a bad day?

[LineRunner]

Crikey, you poor thing. Maybe you need to pull back and forget the never ending classes and playdates and focus on getting though the day with one nice thing in it for you, one nice thing for your DD and one nice thing for your DS.

I'm sorry your DH and mother aren't helping as you need - have you told them very specifically what you need? I used to say things like 'I need help,' and to be frank I never got any. I might have been better off giving them a list.

[Summerbum]

Thanks for listening, just need to vent before I do something stupid.

DH helps with kids a lot, we'v both struggled this last few months with the DC mainly due to their bad sleep patterns and general bad behaviour. I do love them dearly but they do seem to have taken over my life, something which has never been a problem until now. I feel I have lost my identitity completely (I know you do when you become a mum) and who I was in the past has gone completely, it's rare that I get me time until after 10 on a week day. At weekends we take in turns to have some respite but the evening's schedule is hell as both DC do not seem to know that bedtime is parenttime and we both have to help each other.

We've been affected by DC, DH works hard in the week and tired at night we communicate only to shout at each other over the DC.

It probably sounds like it is just the DC causing this but it's a number of issues that are getting me down - the loneliness and lack of social life, my relationship with my mother always putting me down, criticising my parenting and then if I need help, absent or takes her a long time to come and help unless I breakdown on the phone.

Just feel like the glass is half empty or totally empty currently, sorry for the poor me ramblings.

[EclecticShock]

It's hard, especially with the added extra of your mum. Do you have the energy to speak to your partner and see if you can work out a way to stand together regarding your dcs behaviours? You need some time to yourself or you will go mad.

[Summerbum]

Thanks EclecticShock, I think I am going bonkers, totally fed up.

I was so tempted to just walk out on them all tonight.

[SecretPirate]

Hi

Just wanted to say that I could have written everything you've said myself, so I know exactly where you are coming from.

I too have a crap marriage, 2 small badly behaved children, an annoying mother and no life to call my own.

Reading your posts and identifying with it so much has made me realise actually that this is what had now led to my 'other problem'. I have another thread on here - 'my heart is aching for a man I can't have'.

I really don't know what the answer is. Things I am thinking of at the moment include trying to rekindle old friendships that I have neglected and getting my youngest into nursery. I am really really desperate for time out of the house, bug this is a lot easier said than done.

[EclecticShock]

I don't think you're alone in feeling like this. I certainly have at times. Take some time for yourself if you can. It will help you come up with a battle plan to get though this rough patch. You sound very capable just ground down... You'll come back :)

[Summerbum]

SecretPirate, I've just seen some of your postings and I feel for you in your situation, that must be hard, good luck with it all.

I'm not tempted to be unfaithful although I'm convinced that DH has been, although he denies it.

EclecticShock - this bad patch has been on and off for the last few years, I try things and then the same sadness/ crap / unhappiness comes back with a bolt.

DH gives me respite and time away from kids, I took up some art classes and volunteering but the people there I didn't click with and it was hard to form lasting friendships. My old friends are still single or have moved away, I've fallen out with one recently as I had to cancel a get together becaise my youngest was ill.

Just feel like I'm in a black hole. I can hear DS stirring now, here we go, into our bed for the night..it's like Groundhog day/night.

Appreciate your encouragement on here.

[EclecticShock]

I wish I could say something more useful. My brain isn't really functioning tonight... Anyway, here if you want to vent, it can help.

[Summerbum]

Thanks Eclectic you've helped just by replying.

[oooohhhhyes]

Hi there, I sympathise; I have different problems but they leave me feeling like there's no way out and I can't see light at the end, like you, so I just wanted to say hi and that there are sympathetic people out there ...and it's good to vent a bit, it does help relieve the pressure. How are you doing?

[Summerbum]

Hi ooooh, DS is in bed with me and DH husband is asleep on the couch downstairs.

I'm off to bed although I do feel restless.

Thanks for the sympathy, I feel bad as there are far worse situations on here but I needed to come on here as was goiung to explode otherwise..

[Summerbum]

Meant to write thanks oooh

[oooohhhhyes]

ah, look after yourself and try and have some good sleep if you can. Keep venting, it does help, doesn't it! You sound very down, things will start to feel better at some point, hold onto that reality. Sleep well.

[humblebumble]

You sound exhausted.

I have some of the same issues as I have 2 small children 4 and 2 that give me very little time to think or breathe. I have very few real friendships. I wonder if it is part and parcel of being a parent to young children? I am hoping it is going to get easier when they get bigger.

I try not to over schedule as I find we all get exhausted.
I started running as an exercise to get away from the children and to feel better about myself (it's fallen by the wayside a bit recently and I've noticed I've started feeling down about myself again).
I've tried to initiate one night out a week with either a friend or my DH. It's hard when nobody seems interested but I still keep trying all the same.

I find I don't really have anyone to share my true feelings about things with. Most of the time I put up this facade so that I seem happy. I mean, who wants to talk to a grumpy person. However, I am pretty rubbish at doing that, so I must come across as crazy! I mostly lurk here because I don't have anyone to talk to.

My family live a long way away, and tbh I think they are just busy with their own lives.

Don't underestimate the fact that you aren't getting any down time or sleep. It really does impact everything. Is there any way your DH could help more at bedtimes/nightimes?

Hope things look better for you in the morning.

[TheEndIsntInSight]

Could your kids be sensing the tension between you and DH and acting up accordingly? My first advice would be to agree with him to take your troubles behind closed doors and start to show a united front. Do you do stuff as a family? I think you've got a lot going on here and you need to tackle one issue at a time. Once your kids (and you) are sleeping properly you'll feel stronger about addressing other issues.

[MrsHoolie]

Humblebumle is right.....don't underestimate the tiredness and the lack of time to yourself.
I work and have to do lots of evenings. My kids are 4 & 2,the 2 year old is clingy and is a crap sleeper and it really pushes things to the limits. My job is my break,I don't have a hobby (DP plays golf) but I do love going to work as its sociable and a break from the children.I even relish the train journey as it's the only time on my own! My best friend lives around the corner with her her kids of the same age and we hang out alot(she is a SAHM). If I didnt have her I would feel exactly as you do I think.
I'm afraid I don't have much advice for you but as you can see from the replies there are many Mum's like you.You never know what goes on behind closed doors.
Have you looked on mumsnet for your local area forum?sometimes people arrange meet ups.

[Chandon]

Goodness, when my children were that age our marriage went through a very rough patch.

I used to fantasise about escape, any escape. I have stood by the front door with my hands on the handle, I have also once lost the plot and threw all our plates onto the floor out of frustration.

Life with 2 kids who sleep badly and tantrum is really really hard.

I am sorry, I do not remember how we turned it around, but we did.

Somehow. it is possible. But it is hard work.

First step is to be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack, and get out of the house on your own at least a few times a week. (to work, to swim, or just to sit in the library to "study" ie get some peace".

Second step is to get the kids to sleep. Rule out any medical reasons, then make them sleep in their room, and their room only. if they tantrum, ignore. The worst thing to do is to give in after a massive tantrum, as they then learn having a big meltdown helps them get what they want. It is hard to be consistent and it takes time to work. Most kids need regular meals, regular bed times, not too much sugar (maybe you do all that, I don't know :)) If I mess with these basic rules, my kids still go bonkers (witness yesterday, late party, no proper dinner just snacks+ cans of coke= mad behaviour)

Make a plan.

[mamalovebird]

I only have one DS but I could have written your OP a few weeks ago. DH & I both work and DS is 2.5 years and very headstrong. We haven't had a break since Christmas and recently we had been arguing all the time. DS sleep was starting to get disturbed and I'm sure it was because he subconsciously heard us shouting when he was sleeping. His behaviour was also becoming difficult.

We've just had a week away in a caravan and it was lovely. I just think we waited too long for a break. I needed it, Dh needed it and I'm sure DS needed it. Nothing fancy but just spending time together, going for walks, playing together, not being at home where chores seems to take over. It's done us the world of good. We were all just plain and simple knackered. Can you get the opportunity to spend some time all together, away from home, so you can just focus on each other?

My mother is a pain in the ass but I made the decision when DS was born that whilst I'm not going to cut her out completely, I'm not going to let he bother me either. She is a game player but I'm wise to it and quite frankly don't have the time or energy to give it any headspace.

I hope you can work it out. You sound like you need a well deserved break :)

[timetoask]

OP, having small children is very tough!
I think you and your OH are both extremely tired, when tired we all snap and forget all about the good times. Believe me, my husband and I have been there.

You have several issues that you need to solve. I cannot help with the social loneliness, because I have the same problem and have no idea how to solve it.

Break your issues into small chunks and solve them one at a time.
I suggest you start with a sleeping routine. Your children are not sleeping well and will be tired, and therefore difficult.

I put my children in bed by 7:30 max, start doing that, and put them back if they get out of the bed. Easier said that done, but if you stick with it (be brave, be patient) it will eventually work and you will feel more human.

[Coxy7]

Hi guys/ summer

Just reading you're story and you're completely normal we all go through bad patches even when we're in different circumstances.

My story is slightly different as in I dont have any kids(not for the want of not not trying as we have been for 5 years) so there was a lot of anger between my husband and I. I also have the sister in law from hell who has caused my brother and my family so much heartache you would turn in you're grave it I told you the stories.

We got to the stage were we just couldn't speak to each other without arguing,again over the most ridiculous things. I got my self in a very dak place and used to think suicidal thoughts I just wanted to curl up in a ball and never wake up. I had serve anxiety and panic attacks and had to leave my job.

I eventually went on to a mild antidepressant for 6 months which helped tremendously, did marriage counselling and then a year later i found acupuncture.


The acupuncture is amazing and it has relieved all my anxiety. We still have our moments as I'm sure we all do but because I'm a much calmer person I don't get wound up so much which has helped me cope so much better.

I'm also thrilled to say that with the help of Ivf we are now expecting in January.


The acuputure is expensive tho but I think it's worth it, my lady is also like a therapist so it's kind of 2 in 1..

1 thing she did recommend was to write my husband a letter with all my angry thoughts which I did. But then not to give it to him but to burn it. I know that sounds silly but it really helped.

Sending big hugs..

X

[amillionyears]

Not being flippant,but have you actually thought about buying or getting supernanny books form the library?
They may be a good starting point for you,even if you only agree with 2 or 3 points in there.
Never read any,but my guess is they have lots of things in there that you may find helpful.

[Summerbum]

Thank you all for your kind words and support, I appreciate them. I will log in later, as during the day it is crazy here with the wild ones to even contemplate trying to reply.

I didn't sleep well last night as not only did I have the kicking toddler in bed with me, I felt generally overwhelmed, headf*cked and upset. I just want to escape everything and everyone.

Right, best go and get dressed. Thanks for your support MNers x

[Chandon]

kids should really be in their own bed.

Not because of being mean and strict, but because the parents need a good night sleep too!

[Summerbum]

Thanks again for your advice, and Coxy congratulations on your baby news, I bet you are both so excited, please don't let my current experiences put you off!

I've kept them off the sugars today, they have only had apple juice and funnily enough their behaviour has been better, although we did have a smashed fairy globe before bedtime and two bumps to the head for DS but both no problem tonight with bedtime . I will try and be tougher through the night as I want DS to get used to his own bed, we've invested in a bed lamp.

DH and I had a chat tonight and have agreed to make an effort not to argue in front of DC, i have to try and remember what our counsellor said, so hopefully we can sort out our marital issues.

Mother and lack of social life will be my next challenge. I've not spoken to her today, I think it helps me if I'm not around her too much as my emotions change when I'm around her. She drives me mad and always seems to undermine me upon reflection, so for my fragile mental state it's best I don't contact her until necessary.

Right, my mood has got better throughout the day, thanks again for all your advice and tips, I'm glad to hear that these feelings are normal x