Sister is a junkie

[Fog23]

Just looking for some kind words ti help me deal with my v mIxed feelings please.iMy sis is in her 30s and old enough to know better but always been self destructive (in her opinion cool). Earlier this year her ds went to live with her father. She then drove her car whilst high. I live aboard. Now the baby has been taken from her and is with family. I offered to take the baby but not the preferred option as I live aboard.My dh and db are fuming with her for the hurt she caused. My mum is broken hearted. I feel guilt for not being there, getting on with my life. I feel I let my sis and mum down. I feel relieve that baby is now safe it has been hard to sleep worrying about it, but knew her dh family were watching closely. I feel despair for her two kids not having their mum. I fear she has nothing to live for now and will od. I fear she will sleep around and have more babies and they will be born addicted and end up with me/in care. There is such shame it's hard to open up to people. This is why this anon forum is so good. Pls help

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

First thing to understand is that your sister is responsible for her behaviour past, present and future. She is not a drug addict because of your mother or because of you. She is not a junkie because you have a good life and a family of your own. She will only give up her addiction when she is motivated to do so and, if losing her children isn't motivation enough, then she is unlikely to change. There is nothing you can do to change the path she has chosen. You have let no-one down.... she is doing that all by herself.

Her children are very fortunate to have relatives in their life that care for them and provide stability. They will benefit from not having a self-destructive mother as a role model. As for any future children, cross that bridge when you come to it.

There are several charitable organisations that exist to help the relatives of addicts. Maybe you'd benefit from talking to them? Good luck

[Snorbs]

You have not let your sister down.

Please, let me repeat this because it is very important: YOU HAVE NOT LET YOUR SISTER DOWN

Your sister has let herself down. She has let her DH down and her children down. None of that, none of it, is your fault. Neither is it the fault of her DH or her children or your mother. Sadly you're all having to deal with the fall-out from her actions but that doesn't make you responsible for it. It's just the shitty end of the stick of drug addiction.

If someone is determined to put drugs in front of their family relationships then you cannot stop them. She is pursuing a course of action that is her choice to follow. She is preferring to check out from real life in favour of a drug-induced haze. One day she may choose to put the drugs aside and get clean but until that day occurs there is sadly nothing you can do to stop her.

Maybe she will feel she has nothing left to live for. She'd be wrong of course but that may be how it goes for a while. Or maybe she will see that her drug addiction has cost her so much that she doesn't want to lose anything more and it will be the spur she needs to get clean.

Whatever happens, what she chooses to do from this point on is her responsibility. If she really is determined to continue her downward spiral then there is nothing you can do to prevent that. There is a saying in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon (the friends-and-family offshoots of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous) that describes this well - "let go or get dragged."

[Fog23]

Thank you much for your support. It's hard to think clearly at the moment and a relief to hear you say it's not my fault. And you are right about the children being blessed to have such a supportive family. I hadn't thought of it like that. I have such a knot in my stomach with it all. I did try a helpline this am but it went to voicemail. I'll try again later. Thanks so much for listening.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

In our family there were one or two very serious alcoholics - now dead, thank goodness. Like the 'Dementors' in Harry Potter, they were very skilled at sucking the heart and soul out of anyone that came too close. No amount of help could save them but a lot of people in our family got very damaged trying. Marriages were wrecked. People got sick. None of it was worth it.

Do try again with the helpline. Good luck

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

She is your sister and she has an illness that may well kill her.

There is lots of help and support out there for the families of addicts - depends where you are.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

I have worked with Addaction in the UK and they are very good.