Am really scared

[dontcallmehon]

This year I am due to leave my full time teaching job to be a SAHM ( well I do a lot of tutoring - so will work part time I guess). However I feel as if everything is falling apart and I am worried about how we will survive.

dh has spent lots of money in the past without telling me - on gambling and alcohol. He will lie and deceive quite convincingly. He now has no access to my card and pays his salary into my account so I can manage the bills. However I recently discovered he'd spent £900 on a credit card behind my back. It was set up so that the full monthly payment would come out of my account and we were using it to build up his credit rating. He changed it to the minimum payment, so I wouldn't immediately notice.

He says he spent it over time on beer and that he is an alcoholic. As far as I know - he hasn't had anything to drink since - until tonight when he had a beer at a friend's house. I wasn't happy and he started shouting, saying he feels like he's in prison.

He keeps saying he doesn't care. He then broke down and said he feels numb and doesn't care about anything, even the fact that our dd is having an operation next week. He is ringing the doctor tomorrow.

I have signed up with a supply agency and am just so worried that I can't keep the family together. Dh has hurt me so much I am struggling to support him. I am trying to mark GCSE papers and have to send a sample off to be checked tomorrow. Am worried everything is going to fall apart and I will lose my home. Feel silly for giving up my job even though I hated it.

[Ahhhtetley]

Don't want to read and run, but it sounds like he needs professional help rather than it being left to you to sort it out.

[dontcallmehon]

He is going to the doctor. I find him quite scary when he is shouting and crying.

[dontcallmehon]

Tbh, I am not sure he is an alcoholic - as he seems to manage without a drink when he chooses to.

[cestlavielife]

Next time he is shouting and crying call 999
Let paramedics assess him it sounds like he is heading for a crisis breakdown.
Has he ever been diagnosed with mental health probs before ?
Does he work ? What will you Live off ?

Could you get your job back ?
Make sure he gets to gp tomorrow but remember you can call 999 Any time and they will
Take him to a and e for assessment.
Also you should call gp tomorrow and explain your concerns about him

[cestlavielife]

Do you have family and or friends you can call on for support ?
Also go talk to your own gp about what is going on.

[dontcallmehon]

Yes he does work full time. I was intending that we would live off his salary and my part time income. I'm now not sure what will happen. I can't get my job back. Am looking for supply etc as I get paid till end of August.

[dontcallmehon]

No he hasn't been diagnosed with mental health probs before. He thinks he is depressed. I will get another job if I need to.

[TheCountessOlenska]

Poor you.

Because of my own family experiences I tend to lean toward alcohol being at the root of these situations. Just because he can "manage" without a drink doesn't mean he's not an alcoholic (or well on the way to being one). Alcoholics are keen to shout about "breakdowns" and needing to see therapists etc to cover up the real problem - in my experience anyway.

Sadly, you can't help him with his addictions - only he can do that. You need to find a way to be financially independent imo.

[dontcallmehon]

I want to set up my own tutoring business and was hoping supply and the tutoring I do at the moment would help me to do that. It feels like a cruel twist of fate because I earned enough to keep the family by myself.

[dontcallmehon]

To be honest, I am really trying to be sympathetic, but I didn't react well to him saying he didn't care about anything - even our daughter's operation.

[happyAvocado]

I think there are many types of alcoholics
I guess now is good time as any to ask for help for you and him and the rest of your family
Perhaps talk to your Gp or there must be some charity (and I don't mean AA) to ask for advice

[Abitwobblynow]

The advice to call 999 is very good - when he is faced with the consequences of his behaviour (the attention of society), you will very soon ascertain whether he is genuinely distressed and out of control, or having a tantrum.

Full grown men having tantrums ('acting out') is very scary and destructive for the people around them.

Tell him very clearly that next time he shouts and cries, you will call the police/an ambulance. Tell him clearly now (the boundary), and then DO IT (the consequence).

I just find it interesting that he got distressed when you were calling him on his behaviour.

Good luck I wish you strength and fortitude. Al-anon is vital for people who abuse alcohol. What they teach is detachment and boundaries.

[cestlavielife]

Either he really does not care in which case he needs to leave because what is the point?
Or he is in need of professional help but him staying has to be on condition he gets real help
For his issues.

Either way you have to accept you going to have to hold it altogether .

[cestlavielife]

Maybe your dd operaton is your turning point here

If he can't show interest then get other support friends family and ask him to go elsewhere,.no pont having him around when dd needs full attention. He is an adult.
Give him option to go to gp seek help.

Address the finance issues.

[dontcallmehon]

I am really quite cross, because it seems he has waited till I had left my job to do all this. He says he feels numb and the only emotion he feels is anger.

[Bucharest]

Any good points with this man or is it all always as crap as you have described?

I'd be asking myself less what to do about the tutoring and more why am I with this loser in the first place.

[Glabella]

Its hard to judge from just a few posts, but him saying he feels numb and only feels anger is almost word for word how my Dh felt when he was depressed. His psychiatrist said its common for it to show in this way in men especially. Maybe he has been putting a brave face on, and now you've left your job he feels more responsibility and can't hold it together. My Dh did similar- it was my pregnancy that caused the depression to finally show itself.

[cestlavielife]

if he feels anger he needs to leave - you cant risk bearing the brunt of his anger nor can your DC.

he has to go to GP today and show you he is seeking help. maybe he needs some diazepan on hand for the weekend just in case anxiety levels rise...?
othewise he has to go elsewhere to sort himself out.

but if he lashes out in any way or is scaring you then etc call 999 and get him/have him taken to a and e for assessment. they have on call psych help on the weekends too - the holiday may be critical time .

keep a mobile on you fully charged this weekend.
be prepared to walk away from him and call for help if he is literally "breaking down" and acting scary.

"in sickness and in health" means taking action to call in the profressionals if you need to.

he is telling you things, giving you clues - tellin you he feels anger...that aint good... call his GP. call out of hours service or call 999 . put you and DC safety as priority. if he really having a breakdown he could "burst" at any point.
i made mistake with nowexp of not calling 999 when i should have done even tho the signs were there. dont make that mistake.

or is there someone you could call eg his brother/uncle/friend to take him off to a and e if needed ?