The difference between family and friends

[JinnyClaypole]

Right now I'm finding my friendships a lot more satisfying that my relationships with family. I didn't have a very good family life as a child - nothing evil, just no real nurturing and a lot of putting me down - and I left home young to find that people didn't really behave like that to each other and in fact could be lovely and encouraging and fun.

Fast forward about 20 good years and I'm feeling it again. I've married into a family where my husband is a bit of an outlier - he's bright and funny; his family are nice enough but very focussed on the superficial, and love to talk about themselves. Don't like 'difficult' stuff. Keep it light, keep it light.

I find when I talk about the things I like, the things I'm doing, I get almost nothing from his family but a 'Mmm' and a nod. (I have to listen to them talk in great depth about their projects, so it's not that they are taciturn people.) I grew up with this and were it not for the intervening happy years, I'd just feel that it was a normal reaction towards me. It hurts, though.

Lately I've been feeling it in my family too. Talk to dh: he is thinking about work and emails that he has to write. Talk to oldest son: get no response. Partly it's his age but I have this nagging feeling that it is me and that I'm just someone who isn't worth responding to or chatting to or - my god this would be nice - sharing your hopes and dreams with...

I don't want to go on at people and get into that sort of 'it makes me feel worthless when I get a minimal response from you' conversation because it just isn't their sort of thing, but I haven't a clue what to do. I've been dealing with it by not talking about myself at all (can't then be hurt) and smiling and nodding as best I can when they talk about themselves (in-laws) or just getting on with life and pretending this is normal family life (my family). I think I could be doing something better though, I just don't know what it is. Help!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's a question of 'hats'. What hat you're wearing in a situation. Friend, sister, in-law, partner, mum. We are all different things to the different people in our lives and the way we relate to each one varies hugely. I'm sure the conversations my DS (12) has with his mates are totally different to the ones he has with me and I wouldn't expect it any other way. I know I'm a different person and talk about different things when chatting to my best friend than when I'm on the phone to my mother or my boss. I would expect a partner to take more of an interest in me but, quite honestly, sometimes I just want a girly gossip with a friend and my current b/f is talented in many areas but pretending to be interested in gossip isn't one of them.

'Hats'.

[JinnyClaypole]

That's a good way of describing it. I think I'm feeling it because there's been a change - I definitely didn't feel it was like this even two years ago. The division is so marked: if I want to be myself, I go to my friends. Around all my family now, I'm somehow a bit empty and not particularly noticeable (bit like when I was a kid).

I'm trying to pretend it doesn't matter but of course it does.

[JinnyClaypole]

(It isn't really gossip I'm talking about btw...more 'what I'm doing in life and how I feel about it and what I would like to do and how the country is going and what's the latest new thing' etc etc.)

[amillionyears]

I am a little confused, I think ,but will attepmt to answer.
First of all,from the little you have said about oldest son,I wouldnt be too concerned about him.You havent said his age,but if he is anyway near teenager,grunts and nods a lot of the time,are to be expected.They become a bit me me me at that age.
Wasnt sure if you had serious issues about your DH or not.
And you sounded like you had nice friends to talk to,and your other children were responding to you normally.Have I got this right?

[JinnyClaypole]

Yes son is 9 and I'm not concerned; dh is worried about work and we get on great when he does relax, so I'm not overly worried. DD is at the age when she never shuts up

I'm sad that there is no 'sanctuary' for me within my family, only outside it. I don't know why it's changed and I don't know what to do. I definitely don't expect my children to want to be my friend, and my own parents are a dead loss. But I do want dh to be a part of my social life (if that makes sense) and I would like to get a better response from his self-obsessed family. I just don't really know how.

[amillionyears]

ok,I get things a bit better now escept the
still didnt get the dh being part of your social life bit.

Not sure there is anything to be done about the inlaws.
You are probably doing better than some MNs on here with their inlaws.I should look out for or search some of the old threads on here about inlaws.

My guess is that only way you will be able to join in with their lives is to act a bit more superficial yourself when you are around them,and talk with them superficially too.
It doesnt sound like it is you,it sounds like you have been a bit unlucky with the inlaws,but probably fwiw,you could have ended up with a lot worse.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I tell you what happens in my family that completely ticks me off makes me smile wryly... They don't take me seriously!!! Without wishing to trumpet-blow I've got various qualifications, a responsible job in a field that is quite demanding, and friends often seek me out for advice. But within the confines of my loving family this means jack shit. I am clearly still the geeky teen that left to make my fortune :) Christmas is hell