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How long?

(33 Posts)
hidingbeneathanamechange Wed 30-May-12 01:38:08

I have been married for 12 years, and during that time DH and I went through some tough times. Our marriage was not good, and marred by a lack of communication. However, over the last year everything did start to turn around. Issues seemed to be resolved, and I thought we were happy.

2 months ago DH confessed he was unhappy, said there was no OW, said we needed to work on things, and we did. Everything seemed great, we went away on holiday, had fun, laughed a lot, generally cleared things up. After about a month of this he started to withdraw again, stopped having sex with me, and eventually confessed to an affair. This apparently started 7 months ago, lasted 2 months, and now is mainly text/email based as he can only see her when he is in NY on business (she is an overseas colleague).

I have now moved out into a flat, and we spend some evenings and weekends together, and are supposedly working on it. When we are together it is great, we have a lot of fun and generally enjoy each other's company. During the week when he is away on business he broods, can only see the downsides, and is in communication with OW.

I am being reasonable, and can see why the affair started. I'm not angry, or jealous, just very very hurt. I haven't asked him to end it, merely stall and cut off communication whilst we try to make a go of it.

The thing is I don't think he can cut the contact. He says he needs to clear his head, and everyone in RL tells me constantly not to rush things, not to make any rash decisions. So what do I do? How long do I wait? Obviously if he does not break contact we are setting ourselves up to fail, and no amount of working on things will help.

Any advice, other people's experience would be a huge help. I'm feeling very lost.


NatashaBee Wed 30-May-12 02:11:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovemy3kids Wed 30-May-12 04:26:43

I agree with NatashaBee - he needs to cut ALL contact with the can you work things out and move on if he's still in contact? Why have you not asked him to stop contacting her? Why are you allowing him to have his cake and eat it? Value yourself more and TELL him to stop contacting her....else you'll never move forward - and he'll have the best of both worlds!

wildswans Wed 30-May-12 04:49:02

Do you have any DC? You don't mention any so I'm assuming not. I would, therefore, take control of the situation and say that you should not see each other for three months so that he can 'clear his head' and you can decide whether or not there is any future in this relationship.

I have no doubt that he will 'choose' you - whether or not you will actually want him back is another matter.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Wed 30-May-12 04:54:40

Wow....This guys got it all. Have some respect, set some boundaries, live your own life and let him get on with his and his woes.

I understand you must be hurting but to me, you are just condoning his behaviour.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Wed 30-May-12 04:55:41

Have some self respect

stainesmassif Wed 30-May-12 04:58:42

Sorry to hear about this, you must be feeling dreadful. Your husband is behaving terribly. You have to take some control back - you cannot trust him to make the 'right' decision and ATM he doesn't seem to need to.

Fourlegged Wed 30-May-12 05:10:48

I agree - you deserve better

He will also respect you more if you walk away and don't allow this behaviour - at this moment you are condoning it by not telling him to stop

Walk out for 3 months and give him his space so he will never begrudge you that

You have to be his choice if you guys are to work or you will not have a marriage

You deserve better - that is the rational thing

hidingbeneathanamechange Wed 30-May-12 07:44:40

Thanks everyone, hearing an objective opinion really helps. I have asked him to stop contact, but he won't, so I will do as you suggest and give him his space to work things out in his head.

Mama1980 Wed 30-May-12 07:56:13

Please have some self respect this behaviour is appalling. What does be mean by saying he won't stop contact?! I'm sorry but that shows a lack of remorse and commitment to you. I as the others have said would cut all contact for at least 3 months sort out what you want/think and then decide how you want to proceed. I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation. Can you possibly go away for a bit, have a break/rest etc to clear your head? Take care

PooPooInMyToes Wed 30-May-12 08:10:08

I have asked him to stop contact, but he won't

That's terrible!

If i were him and i wanted things to work with you i would do everything i could, including never speaking to this woman again and probably changing jobs. He's not even trying. He's got it too good!

If i were you i would assume that as he is still in contact with this woman that my marriage was over. I would also refuse to share my husband! I have too much self respect for that. At the moment he's not even risking losing you so why should be bother to make the effort.

Actually he's not worth keeping if he expects you to put up with this. It shows such little respect and regard for your feelings. What an arsehole.

crowface Wed 30-May-12 08:25:49

I agree with what everyone else has said. Your husband is being very selfish and disrespectful and you deserve far better.

21YrOldMan Wed 30-May-12 08:33:15

Sounds like my ex.

The last word of that sentence is the key one ;)

hidingbeneathanamechange Wed 30-May-12 09:54:58

Thanks everyone for your comments. They do help me. I love my DH, and the affair was as a result of difficulties in our marriage not just a roving eye. He is at least now being honest with me so I have to respect him for that. Where we end up is anyone's guess, but as someone said I have to be his choice if we are to succeed.

I guess it is a case on onwards and upwards smile. I am looking to restart my career so will focus on that. It will be a distraction and an opportunity to return to the old independently minded me.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 30-May-12 10:37:05

the affair was as a result of difficulties in our marriage

Myth, myth, myth.

It was always his choice to either work on issues in your marriage, or to choose to have an affair.

If you buy the explanation that "the affair was as a result of difficulties in our marriage", you are effectively allowing him to be absolved of responsibility for his own actions.

Don't. He didn't have to stick his cock in another woman: he chose to.

oldwomaninashoe Wed 30-May-12 10:57:14

In your OP you say "the marriage was not good" Add to that he does not want to cut communication with the OW. "WANT" being the key word here.
Is this really all worth it? He is not committed is he ? If the marriage was not good is it really worth the effort to try and save it?
Would it be better to go your seperate ways now and stop trying to flog a dead horse.

solidgoldbrass Wed 30-May-12 11:22:48

Look, sorry, but you have separated. You've moved out. It's no longer up to you to tell him who he can and can't see. He wants her more than he wants you so let him go and move on with your own life.

foolonthehill Wed 30-May-12 12:16:15

your marriage was not good for you either.
Somehow you managed to avoid falling into another man's arms.hmm
HE CHOSE to invest himself in another woman instead of making things better at home.
Now he is choosing to place you (his wife) on EQUAL footing with a transatlantic fling?? whist supposedly working out what he wants????
Actually he is waiting to see if she will have him.

Glad you have a career and hope for the future. Please make sure that YOU make your decision and don't just wait for him to bestow himself on one of you untilsomeonehe--fancies--more--happens--along
sorry for all you are dealing with op

hidingbeneathanamechange Wed 30-May-12 13:37:43

The views on here are so harsh, they make difficult reading. I know he is not committed, but to me he is worth the fight. We have 12 years history, he has only known her 7 months, and never had any time with her other than illicit snatched moments. Who could not get caught up in the heady perfection of that.
I am just destroyed to be honest, but will as suggested give him space and focus on my future.

PrettyPrinceofParties Wed 30-May-12 14:59:19

You said before about giving him 3 months. I think, tell him that. Don't have contact in that time and at the end it's you or ow. If he chooses you then you can demand he cut all ties with her.

Do you feel you'd be able to trust him again? So sorry. I'd be angry as hell that he'd created this mess then is indecisive about whether he wants you and refuses to cut contact with her. Sorry to sound harsh, but he's messing you about and you're letting him. I think you need to toughen up so that he learns to respect and consider your feelings, as at the moment he's only looking out for himself.

Xales Wed 30-May-12 15:07:25

I have asked him to stop contact, but he won't = he wants contact with her more than he wants to make you happy right now. You may consider him worth the fight, he does not unfortunately think the same as you right now because he doesn't believe you would walk away from him (or he doesn't care if you do).

I would say don't tell him you are giving him 3 months. Give him the space (3 months to yourself) but don't tell him the time limit.

Please also consider a trip to an STI clinic. Condoms don't prevent all problems and oral sex can pass some on.

Also if he comes back after the 3 months insist he gets checked as you will not necessarily know what he has done during that time.

skyebluesapphire Wed 30-May-12 15:46:51

I too struggled to deal with people's opinions when I first posted on here, but they all turned out to be right. I understand where you are coming from because it is all so raw to start with and you are full of hope and want to believe the best. I had support from here right from the start and people continued to support me even though I didnt take their advice and it all went tits up, nobody said I told you so, they were all here for me.

My head is now out of the sand and I can see the situation for what it really is, although it has taken me a couple of months to get to this point....

I wish you well, but dont let him walk all over you.....

hidingbeneathanamechange Wed 30-May-12 16:31:19

This is so hard, because I know the women on here have either been through this themselves, or held the hand of someone else who has, so speak from experience. Thank you all, what I've read has gone in, even though I don't want to hear it. I will look forward in life with a view of making a success of myself, without reliance on anyone else. I will never give up hope, but I won't abase myself any further.

Fairenuff Wed 30-May-12 18:01:46

Why do you want him anyway.

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about your feelings, he wasn't faithful to you, he clearly doesn't love you . . .

He is not the man you fell in love with. If you met him today for the first time and he treated you like this, you wouldn't give him a second glance.

It's hard when a relationship ends. But it's much easier to heal if you let go.

Cut off all contact with him. Get on with your life. Eventually, when you are ready, you will meet someone who really adores and appreciates you and knows how to treat you as you deserve.

Keep posting if it helps, there are lots of us here who can hold you hand and help see you through this difficult time x

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 30-May-12 19:41:37

Yes, he needs to see what he is losing if there is any chance of making things work. As it is he is having it all and has no respect for you and is putting OW first rather than investing in his marriage.

You need to detach yourself and insist on boundaries.

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