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Aspergers Hubbies - is there an opposite condition?

(111 Posts)

Have a lovely husband. Really, a lovely man. Everything I suck at, he's great at, and vice versa - we should have the happiest marriage because we complement each other perfectly...

...only, he's sooooo Aspie it's astonishing - and I am, well, the opposite.

It's all come to a head (after ten years and three kids) and I started looking into separating, the lack of affection and refusal to compromise has worn me down, and I gave up trying. But, by Jove, that did the trick!!!

So, now, he's actually listened to me, to what I need and how I'd like it if we were a team. We sat and talked for an hour, instead of him going and buying compost, which is what he wanted to do. Seriously, that's a first! He said he loves me, that he wants me and he will do anything to sort it out - he's genuinely not realised how unhappy I have been. Which is remarkable symptomatic.

I persuaded him to take the AQ test - he scored 37, anything above 32 suggests aspie tendancies. Average score is 16. He challenged me to take the same test - my test result is 4.

So, he's one end of the spectrum, and I am the other. He says that is a disorder just like aspergers, only sregrepsa...

It'd be bloody marvellous if there is a "label" for being opposite of aspie, he'd really understand that!

Anyone heard of anything as bonkers like being TOO empathetic?

Am chuffed to bits, I really love the eejit man.

Joanna112 Sun 27-Oct-13 13:58:44

This is exactly why I feel the need to set up a 'one stop shop' resource/site for us NT partners. I am the same - completely opposite ends of the spectrum to my AS partner, and I desperately need all the input of social life, sharing, sense of humour etc. We need to connect with others like us!

Whilst I love my husband, I also know it's highly unlikely I'll get all this 'other stuff' at home. The website is my plan to provide that 'other stuff' for us all smile I want it to provide information, support, recommended reading, qualified (AS) counsellors, forums for conversation - possibly even a sign up that gives geographic location so that people can set up/join support any local groups.

I want this new website to be up and working as soon as possible. If you/anyone is interested in helping design the site or have any comments about what should go on it - and what shouldn't - let me know!

Diagnosis saved my marriage. I'm going to write about this in a post on the new site once it's up and running.

gussiegrips Thu 15-Nov-12 20:24:02

Gladiolus - it's a common side effect of being born with a Y chromosome. Bless their cottons.

NettleTea Thu 15-Nov-12 12:29:51

I got 18 on the AQ, and 77 on the other one (with a 142 for NT)
I think I need DP to take a look, as when I put what I THOUGHT he might put, from many years experience! I got 38 on the first one. but of course he really needs to do it himself.
have my suspicions about DS too, especially as he reminds dp alot of how he was as a boy

tinkertitonk Thu 15-Nov-12 11:46:27

42 here. Beat that.

And I wasn't even trying.

gladiolus Thu 15-Nov-12 07:01:11

He's not on the spectrum. He did the tests and came out NT. But he does have issues of his own, and yes he can be a bit of a dick smile

gussiegrips Wed 14-Nov-12 23:13:50

Gladiolus - I am sorry that your dx has not been helpful.

The fact is, you can be AS and a bit of a dick, or you can be NT and a bit of a dick.

I am saying that your DH is being a bit of a dick. Those sorts of comments must be very difficult, and hurtful for you.

Is it possible that he's on the spectrum?

neverputasockinatoaster Wed 14-Nov-12 22:54:35

On the AQ test I score 27.

On the other I score: Aspergers 74/200
Neurotypical 134/200

DH is an (undiagnosed officially) aspie. I can't rememebr what he scored on the test but it was high.
DS has just been diagnosed as Aspie.

DH is marvellous. I will admit that there have been times when I've felt a bit lonely but mostly he's amazing.
My Dad also has many many aspie traits. My mum doesn't 'speak aspie' (as Tony Attwood says) but I suspect I do.

I was suprised at my AQ score I think. I thought it would be lower than that. However I do do a good line in shutting down when stressed.

gladiolus Wed 14-Nov-12 22:39:45

My marriage was not helped by my dx of Aspergers at all. According to my 'd'h it just meant I had an excuse to stop trying, and blame all my many faults on my AS.

Things he has said to me include recent gems of "You could be normal if you tried. You just can't be bothered." and "Why can't you just be f***ing normal?" and "I thought I was marrying a normal person!"

He refuses to read up about it or try to understand it at all.

helpyourself Wed 14-Nov-12 22:02:29

flamin that's impressive!

gussiegrips Wed 14-Nov-12 21:46:35

Am loving that this thread's been resurrected!

I do understand that ASDs are a vast, ehm, spectrum - but I think it's really helpful to see that so many relationships are surviving with one high and one low on the AQ.

It's heartening because, clearly, there are qualities associated with AS that are really positive in long term relationships.

It's nice to read about them, instead of the grind of complaints and difficulties that the literature shows.

It's not easy - but, NT/NT doesn't seem to be either (for evidence of this, please see relationship boards...)

We're all a wee bit wonky.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Wed 14-Nov-12 21:00:58

flamin I'd be amazed if a non Aspergers Swede didn't score quite highly. Not dismissing it at all, but it's quite a blunt tool.

Tis true though. There has been proper peer reviewed research into it's accuracy. I read the paper years ago (when I was being assessed) and was surprised as I thought it was quite simplistic for such a complex condition. The research found it was almost 100% accurate for teens but lessen off to 97% in adults.

HeathRobinson Wed 14-Nov-12 20:28:06

I got 32 on the test.

gladiolus - 'Certainly, if I get bad news, my first response is to go very very quiet. I am internally analysing my feelings. It's almost as if I'm thinking, "Okay, how should I be reacting to this?"'

That is exactly how I think if there is bad news about an elderly relative, for example.

So weird that it's not just me.

TwelveLeggedWalk Wed 14-Nov-12 19:36:32

I scored 19. Fascinating. I think I'm just like NadiaWadia and scored a bit higher because I'm shy and not great and small talk with people. Certainly don't think of it as lack of empathy or inability to perceive people's emotions - if anything it's the opposite, I'm nervous of being boring/accidentally offending someone etc so tend to get a bit squeaky and tense and so don't always make great chat!

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Wed 14-Nov-12 19:24:46

I got 30 and DP got 31 when we did this. Sparking a hilarious conversation in which we established that no, it probably wasn't neurotypical to automatically memorize all car number plates.

I got 48 on the AQ test, and 135 on the other one.

I did the AQ one a few weeks ago and told my DH - as soon as he started reading up so many things about me suddenly made sense to him.

helpyourself Wed 14-Nov-12 19:07:34

flamin I'd be amazed if a non Aspergers Swede didn't score quite highly. Not dismissing it at all, but it's quite a blunt tool.

MoelFammau Wed 14-Nov-12 18:49:31

The reason I took it with DH is that we're having serious relationship issues and - call me slow - I'd never thought of DH having Aspergers. I just found him intensely annoying. His obsessions, his pedantic nitpicking, his failure to understand why I'm upset... Knowing this does give me more patience and the knowledge to not take it personally. Hard though it is!

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Wed 14-Nov-12 18:16:45

helpyourself research into the AQ test show it is accurate in all but 3% of cases.

closethefridgedoor Wed 14-Nov-12 16:53:47

I scored 42 and I was diagnosed with ASD last year. My dx was on the NHS, but I've been in the system for years due to MH problems (due to unrecognised ASD). I think it's much harder to get referred if you're working, have functional relationships etc, as it's clear your needs are much lesser than someone like me. The ASD has affected my ability to work, maintain a home and relationships. I rarely cry - actually I don't think I have for at least six years, and we've had two family deaths within that time.

DH scored 10, although I'd still put him as somewhere on the spectrum personally - he's very high functioning, works in IT, but doesn't socialise and is not really communicative. He's very intelligent though, and appears to be sociable but I see it as learned, not instinctive behaviour. That works very well with me, we are quite an insular couple! And we don't spend ours talking through stuff that is supposed to happen in 'good' relationships, don't phone/text through the working day or when we go abroad or anything. Neither of us see the need for it.

helpyourself Wed 14-Nov-12 16:37:01

I scored 4. Not surprising, but I wonder how 'culturally blind' that test is. And whether a shy non autistic person would score highly?
I certainly realised that I was unsuited to teaching because I 'over empathise' I now work mainly 1:1, I still do some training, but just couldn't cope with the stress of identifying with each and every one of a class of 30+.

lisad123 Wed 14-Nov-12 16:20:06

That's the thing with ASD, everyone is different and most people can get by without a dx and are fine. My dh holds down a fulltime job, drives, has friends, married with two kids and sports that he enjoys. The only time I would ever recommend a dx is if its going to help in some way and your Asd is so bad it effects every day of your life and its impossible to function.
My dh knows he is likely on the spectrum, he gets so wound up by himself but we do just fine.

AnyFucker Wed 14-Nov-12 16:12:47

I scored a bang-on average 15

Damn that normative shit !

B1ueberryMuff1n Wed 14-Nov-12 16:06:26

Thta sounds a bit like my brother lisad. i remember once we agreed to meet at such and such a place at 3. i bumped into him by chance at two 45 but he was gravitating towards the meeting place, cos we'd said we'd both be there at three. i told my parents and they were laughing. he got cross!

SantasStrapOn Wed 14-Nov-12 16:02:25

I think it's pretty easy for the results to be skewed if you have other problems. I'd answer strong yes to anything involving not wanting to do something sociable, or involving teamwork, reading people. Not because I have Aspergers traits, because I have an intense mistrust of people.

lisad123 Wed 14-Nov-12 16:01:07

I'm not telling dh score, but will say both our DDs have autism.
I am very sociable and very good at it. One thing to say, dh loves being with people, but isn't great at it grin
He never gets the social cues of being a dh. Last night I was playing badminton, I said can you run me a bath at 10.30pm so I can just climb in straight away. I got home earlier than 10.30pm so he didn't run me a bath. He never considered it might still be nice to do that for me. He assumes everything that is routine will always be routine, so I cook dinner,no clean the house, I get the kids dressed ect. It drives me mad.
I have tried all sorts but sort of given up trying now blush
He is a wonderful man, loves me no matter what and is a great dad.

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