Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Aspergers Hubbies - is there an opposite condition?

(111 Posts)

Have a lovely husband. Really, a lovely man. Everything I suck at, he's great at, and vice versa - we should have the happiest marriage because we complement each other perfectly...

...only, he's sooooo Aspie it's astonishing - and I am, well, the opposite.

It's all come to a head (after ten years and three kids) and I started looking into separating, the lack of affection and refusal to compromise has worn me down, and I gave up trying. But, by Jove, that did the trick!!!

So, now, he's actually listened to me, to what I need and how I'd like it if we were a team. We sat and talked for an hour, instead of him going and buying compost, which is what he wanted to do. Seriously, that's a first! He said he loves me, that he wants me and he will do anything to sort it out - he's genuinely not realised how unhappy I have been. Which is remarkable symptomatic.

I persuaded him to take the AQ test - he scored 37, anything above 32 suggests aspie tendancies. Average score is 16. He challenged me to take the same test - my test result is 4.

So, he's one end of the spectrum, and I am the other. He says that is a disorder just like aspergers, only sregrepsa...

It'd be bloody marvellous if there is a "label" for being opposite of aspie, he'd really understand that!

Anyone heard of anything as bonkers like being TOO empathetic?

Am chuffed to bits, I really love the eejit man.

NameChangeaGoGo Sat 19-May-12 22:00:21


PooPooInMyToes Sat 19-May-12 22:02:20

Hairy. 30 isn't that high i don't think.

katcatkat Sat 19-May-12 22:02:27

I have diagnosed bpd and probable aspergers as well and know that the are not opposites.
I am married to a guy that is probable aspergers and it can work but it's not easy

PooPooInMyToes Sat 19-May-12 22:03:47

I've never understood bpd. What are the main characteristics?

katcatkat Sat 19-May-12 22:10:40

It's modern name is emotionally unstable personality disorder. It means I find it hard to control emotions and often do inappropriate things.
Many people with the condition self harm or abuse drugs/alcohol. Many people have w history of abuse in childhood.

solidgoldbrass Sat 19-May-12 22:17:34

I got 16 but thought the test was a load of old cock as most of the questions were either 'Couldn't care less' or 'don't know' as far as I was concerned.

cheapskatemum Sat 19-May-12 22:23:45

I've often thought that extremely empathetic partners go well with AS partners, as they forgive them & learn about the condition (if they didn't know about it beforehand). When DS2 was diagnosed with ASD, I started wondering whether DH has AS. I would describe myself much like you, OP. I think if I wasn't like that, I would have told DH to shove off eons ago (we've been together 27 years). I once collapsed in the bathroom too (think I had swine flu, but was trying to carry on regardless). DH's response was to ask for DS2's respite home's number so he could take him there as there was no way he could stay at home if I wasn't well! My friends think I have the patience of a saint etc, but I just love him for his good points, though it has been very tough at times.

I have also heard of couples where both partners have AS, and can see how that might work too.

garlicfucker Sat 19-May-12 22:27:53

Can I just stress I'm not proposing BPD as an "opposite" of anything? I repeated what I've heard said fairly frequently, about both Williams Syndrome and BPD, by people who are not experts. That's all smile

Amber, autism is a diagnosis (or diagnoses). I have some very strong 'autistic' characteristics but am not autistic because I don't have a full set. I'm social, empathetic, etc; also prone to systemising, obsessing and hyperfocusing. I realise it offends you when people write imprecisely about autism (and I've probably expressed that imprecisely, too!) so please accept I have no wish to annoy you.

OP - you sound lovely smile I am envious, actually, but I guess I'll just have to settle for being crap with names/faces although great at learning tons of stuff in one go. The news often makes me sad but I've NEVER cried at it! [hard-faced cow emoticon]

garlicfucker Sat 19-May-12 22:29:24

Cheapskatemum and OP, I think you are saints grin

mercury7 Sat 19-May-12 22:47:03

I scored 35

devilinside Sat 19-May-12 22:51:27

So, if people with ASD are lacking in empathy, why are they not all psychopaths then? sorry, I hate all this aspie = no empathy.

I believe empathy is on a spectrum, and people with asd are just as likely to have it as NTs (just that we may find it harder to show it)

mercury7 Sat 19-May-12 22:55:20

I think I have bucket loads of empathy, so much that I find people overwhelming and prefer to spend most of my time alone confused
Solitary habits apparently lead to high scores on that thar test

aleto Sun 20-May-12 08:20:58

DH scored 47 on the AQ test and I scored 9. I am very empathetic but staying with him has been very hard and I have often felt like walking away.
We have known for the last few years that he has Aspergers but haven't yet sought a formal diagnosis. Just knowing what has caused all the difficulties in our marriage has been a relief and like the OP and Cheapskatemum I now have ways of dealing with Dh that I wish I'd had 20 years ago!

Wow, so there's a few chalks and cheeses! That's really good to hear, I'd be lying if I said me and DH were a perfect fit - it's bloody hard work most of the time, but getting easier. Mainly because I'm too stubborn to leave the bastard, ha ha ha

For instance, DD is in hospital. Should get home today, she's ok, just another asthma attack. It would not occur to DH to take time off work, to sort childcare or to visit her. In fact, when DS1 was 10 weeks old he was in hospital for a week, and proper poorly in HDU. DH didn't visit because "he's unconscious, there's no point" and was outraged that I wanted him to come for MY sake because "what am I supposed to do with dd?"

Took me a loooong time to process that one. I thought he was an utterly selfish tosser for years.

Though, to be fair, he is a bit of a selfish tosser too. Most folk blessed with a Y chromosome are, right?

Anyhoo, glad I checked on here before going back to the ward. Cheered me up. Perhaps we should start a club - Poles aPart Partners?

And, actually, see what you are saying about how folk like me are all very nice?

It's not that, it's more that given that DH doesn't need people. He'd live like a hermit quite happily... but, he chose to share his life with me. And that's very flattering.

And I'm a sucker for flattery.

spendthrift Sun 20-May-12 13:50:54

Op, am about to pm you.

MoaningMinnieRisesAgain Sun 20-May-12 14:40:26

hmm I got 33 but I do not feel I have AS traits especially - I empathise etc but I just hate change and not keen on being sociable.

I certainly recognise some AS traits in DH but again I don't think he actually has AS at all, he is just stubborn and is very picky about what social situations he is comfortable in (often the opposite of my comfort zones TBH)

naughtymummy Sun 20-May-12 14:59:40

Just got 11,a lot to do with being soltary

LongWayRound Sun 20-May-12 15:28:28

Is this the test everyone has been doing? It's the first that came up when I googled aspergers quiz, but there are others.

I got 30, FWIW.

Some0ne Sun 20-May-12 21:55:19

41. That's oddly reassuring, I always thought I was just crap but now maybe I have an excuse grin

overtherainbow2 Sun 20-May-12 23:44:00

This thread has made me feel so emotional reading all your stories. I have been feeling so close to leaving DH recently as I just couldn't cope with feeling so alone in our relationship. DS is borderline Aspergers and I have suspected for a long time that it is the same for DH, but somehow I expected that he should be able to rise above it as he's an adult. I think I have lots of thinking and reading to do before I throw away what is otherwise a wonderful marriage. Thank you!

lisad123 Mon 21-May-12 00:03:21

I think me and dh had same level of scores. His very high mine very low!

Hebiegebies Mon 21-May-12 00:45:06

Longwayround, I got a 9 on that test, but it seems to have a different scoring system to the one OP describes

My DH must be in the 30's if his behaviour tonight is to be explained

NadiaWadia Mon 21-May-12 03:59:24

I think that test is a load of piffle, and badly devised.

I scored 22 and I have loads of empathy (honest!) shedding tears at things on TV all the time, as the OP described. I have a good imagination, like reading fiction etc.

Yet I am very shy/bordering on social anxiety disorder, so like mercury7 said, my answers to questions on socialising pull my score upwards. Dr Baron-Cohen (? any relation?) and his team do not appear to have taken this into account and seem to be defining personality characteristics very simplisticly and rigidly. Doesn't seem very scientific to me.

cheapskatemum Mon 21-May-12 17:42:45

Thanks, Garlicfucker, I too am a sucker for flattery! Sacha & DR are related, can't remember exactly how: great nephew & uncle, maybe?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now