Advice on DH. Can't put my finger on it.

[eyesopen]

Hi there Mumsnetters

I just wondered if I could get some advice about my DH. Longish story so sorry. I met my DH over ten years ago through mutual friends. I had been warned off of him as he was a bit of a ladies man so initially we were just friends and we would see each other at the pub or at BBQs etc. One evening we got chatting and I realised we had a lot in common. He's quite a outdoorsy sort of guy, very charming and funny and I love any active sports so one weekend we went on a really long walk together and lunch and I ended up staying over at his flat. You can guess the rest! Long story short - we ended up going out together but I always had the feeling he maybe saw other women just on the side. Nothing proved. After dating for a year, he announced that he was moving jobs and was going to live abroad and would I like to join him. I was initially very excited but then felt daunted that I would miss my friends and family. We ended up being away for 18 months, I wasn't particularly happy but I was with him so and before we returned home he proposed and said he couldn't imagine life without me! We moved back to the UK and nearer to my family, I was having visions of us spending lots of time together but he was always away with work, on trips, seminars etc and I started to feel pretty lonely. Added to this after our wedding we had problems getting pregnant and I felt like DH blamed me. He said that I took all the romance and fun out of trying and sometimes this made him feel unsexy and his words "a sperm donor".
After trying for 2 years I got pregnant and we now have a much-wanted DD aged 1. The main problem is this, we don't have sex anymore and haven't since I got pregnant. Intially I was happy to have sex but my DH said the thought of the baby was off-putting. (??) Knowing that my husband has been highly sexed and has slept with a lot of women I am wondering whether he is seeing someone else. He doesn't seem unhappy anymore, but before when we weren't doing it he seemed snappy and annoyed at me. As most people know here, babies can be a real passion killer and after I gave birth my body and intimate areas felt very different. Always been trim, enjoyed sex but these days I feel tired, old and fat. I don't want my DH to think I don't trust him but I have this niggly feeling that I'm sharing him with somebody else. Also when we were first seeing each other he said he had slept with 'about 30' women but then a friend that knew him before we were together said it was 'closer to 100'. Any advice much appreciated.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

What do you want to do?

Do you want advice on how to stay with him or how to find evidence that he is cheating?

I always say trust your instincts.

[RancerDoo]

Have you discussed the lack of sex with him lately?

Plenty of people go off sex for a bit on becoming parents (and new fathers have a massive drop in testosterone).

[defineme]

I think you should talk to your husband.

I don't think number of lovers is important.

I think lack of desire is a problem in a relationship, if he doesn't want sex and you do then I'd suggest counselling/lots of talking. As for if he's having an affair, how would we know-I think you need to voice your fears?

Why have you never asked him about this before you got married-did you not mind being non-exclusive then?

[eyesopen]

I want to know whether he is cheating on me. I have checked his phone a couple of times when he's been in the shower but nothing incriminating just work and his sister. Also sometimes he has told me he is going to be on the way back from somewhere and I have tried his phone and it's been switched off. Also sometimes he comes home from work and seems 'distant' and I feel more like his flatmate than his wife. I have tried to be more 'sexy' in the bedroom but the baby will then start crying and I'll feel like an idiot.

[eyesopen]

When we were dating I kind of knew he had a Friends with extras who lived in town and it didn't really bother me as I knew it was just a fun thing and what we had, a proper relationship, mutual friends, potentially a life together was worth so much more. sorry to drip feed.

[likeatonneofbricks]

hmm, if in hte past he knew you were ok with his 'friends with extra' he probably thinks you still would be ok now, and just turning a blind eye. Phone off, distant, no sex - sounds like yo may be right.

[eyesopen]

Oh god. I thought when we were dating if I put 'demands' on him that it was off-putting as a friend of mine was finished with for asking her man 'Where it was going'. I think I have become more a friend to make babies with to my Dh and he gets his sexual fun with someone else. He also likes to watch porn but is usually careful and deletes the history. (i know this after looking at the comp the morning after I had been at my mum's house)

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Maybe you should be looking at why you are with him and why you allow him to do those things.

He was pretty open about not being sexually exclusive before so why should he change now?

If you are really unhappy then you need to talk to him about boundaries. I very much doubt he will want to change though

[MadAboutHotChoc]

(P.S I hope that you both are protected from STDs...)

[TheHappyHissy]

I think TBH, you'd do better stopping and thinking for a bit and understand what your deal breakers are in this relationship.

You turned a blind eye to his shenanigans in the past, and he thinks it's OK on some level. the number of partners is kind of relevant in that it shows he views women more as a commodity than he ought to.

Adding in the extensive use of porn, even on your MUM'S PC this clinches it.

He won't change, he feels entitled to live and think as he does.

What YOU need to work out is IF this is how you want to spend the rest of YOUR life? Married to a man that has no respect for women, and one with whom you have a platonic relationship with.

You deserve better than this. Anyone does.

[AnyFucker]

I think you need to take this man off the pedestal you have him on

he ain't special, he's just one man

there is a theme all the way through your posts...you think you are not good enough for him

you turned a blind eye to his infidelity when you were, in fact, a committed couple

you though, you are special

you have given birth to his child, and he should be cherishing you

if he isn't, you need to be having a very good think about why that may be so

[ashesgirl]

Have to agree with others - I think you have very low expectations of him.

And as for your friend who was dumped for asking where her relationship was going, sounds like she had a lucky escape. Good grief.

[ToddlersRFab]

I could be reading about me.... and my relationship with my ExH.

Get your friends and family around you, and stop turning a blind eye, although I didn't have the courage to do this.

My exH eventually walked out and straight into another relationship. I was left a wreck and 8 months later I am nearly getting my life back on track with my 4 year old DS.

My advice is take control of the situation and plan for the worst. If the worst doesn't happen then fabulous but if it does, then make sure its on your terms.

PM if you need a chat.

[eyesopen]

Thank you for the advice. I see that I let him behave in a way that suits him because there's part of me that thinks he's going to leave me a single mum. Something I know I would hate.

Toddlers - I'm so sorry if my post was upsetting but interesting that you husband behaved in a similar way. Similar situation?

My dh has never been ea or aggressive towards me so sometimes it is easier in the real world not to rick the boat. Pathetic I know. I am lucky to have a dd and nice-ish home.

Even if I confronted my dh I think he would pretend he didn't know what I was talking about and then make me feel like a was being a bit of a fish wife and making a fuss.

I sometimes wish that if he was seeing ow she would turn up at out house and I'd have some proof.

Btw dh didn't view porn at my mums. I went to her house with dd and he was at home doing work. I checked when we got back the following morning when dh was at wk.

[CrispyCod]

What does DH do for a living? Does he have a lot of freedom to be in and out of the office where he would have opportunity to conduct an affair?

[eyesopen]

He is a civil engineer so often travels to different sites around the UK and periodically has to go abroad.

[eyesopen]

Do other mners think confronting is a good idea? Is a PI going too far? Should I snoop? :0 can't believe I'm writing this.

[garlicfucker]

You are way too keen on not rocking boats.

You friend didn't get dumped for asking where the relationship was going. She got dumped because the other person saw it as not going anywhere! By carefully not asking, you've implied that you're not bothered about where/how your relationship is going - you've made yourself into a convenience.

What the hell are you going to "confront" him about? An affair for which you've no evidence? A perfectly normal sexual doldrum while baby is small? You need to organise a good old sit-down Proper Talk about issues in your relationship, how each of you is feeling, and so on. If that looks like confrontation to you I despair.

[garlicfucker]

I'm sorry, I do feel sympathetic to your worries and I don't think he's been fair or direct with you. But it's hard to address anything while you're this scared of being upfront with him about your feelings!

[Arana]

You need to start talking to him - not Talking, just have a conversation about your relationship.

But one thing to bear in mind - if he's canny enough to delete his internet history, he'll be very very careful with evidence relating to other women.

[AnyFucker]

"he has never been EA to me"

Even if I confronted my dh I think he would pretend he didn't know what I was talking about and then make me feel like a was being a bit of a fish wife and making a fuss.

yes, he has and he is

that is what emotional abuse looks like

you are too frightened to tell him how you really feel in case he leaves you

[eyesopen]

I agree I think I need a serious talk with him and be upfront. I'm just hoping he won't use it as an opportunity to say "actually I'm sick to death of you bye!". If he is seeing somebody else what if he is more into her than just sex? She might be younger, sexier etc without DC? when I have tried to talk to him before he's said "oh god do we have to go over this again" and "you're happy aren't you?" kind of making me feel ungrateful iyswim. Does anybody think it's strange that sometimes he comes home, won't kiss me hello saying "I'm all dirty from work" then go immediately go the shower.

[AnyFucker]

if by talking to him you think he might grab the excuse to fuck off with another woman, then you have your answer

for me, that woud be better than deliberately putting my hands over my eyes and my ears and shutting down my brain

no man is worth losing your self respect for

you have the right to feel safe and secure in your relationship

if you don't, and you have no way to express it, then you have no relationship at all

[eyesopen]

AF - I'm not sure that's what I thought ea sounded like. Sometimes I'm sure I do sound like a fish wife! :)

[eyesopen]

You're right AF. If I don't feel secure enough to talk to him we don't really have a strong relationship. There is part of me that feels out of all the women he's had he picked me to be his wife. I would hate to lose that.