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Relationships

What are your hopes and fears? What is the deep stuff you share with your DP?

16 replies

Anna1976 · 11/05/2012 05:47

(Reposted from accidentally putting this in Chat after a night awake)

What are the big things that you would expect to know about your nearest and dearest? How would you actually feel intimate with someone?

Through numerous posts on here about unhappiness in my relationship, people have made the point that my criteria for the relationship being functional are shallow, and instead we should have shared love and shared outlook and taking care of each other through thick and thin kind of stuff.

My DP and I do not share any of the big stuff, we don't discuss anything about our lives other than day to day logistics. We don't discuss shared interests or non-shared interests. He hasn't answered when I've told him I love him, in some years. He refuses to discuss anything about children or marriage or what he wants out of life. We don't discuss sex because he doesn't want to talk about it, and won't listen to my "whining" (which are pleas to discuss it because it's so awful). For many years i have had opinions or daydreams about what I would like my wedding to be like, what my children would be called, what I would want to do with them to nurture them, what kinds of schools they might go to, where we might all live, etc. - I have never discussed any of this with him, because he won't talk about anything so confronting. No surprises that I'm not married and not planning to have children any more, and not planning to buy property with him.

However, he is friendly and loving on a day to day basis, and would probably be horrified if I said I was leaving because I am sick of living with a 12 year old flatmate who treats me like some kind of housekeeper/FWB figure with zero intimacy except in the form of hugs and terrible sex once every few weeks.

Before I go overseas next week I am going to try to say "this is not a real relationship, other people actually know what their partner thinks about the big things in life, other people's partners will discuss children and mortgages and sex and love and what they want out of life, not just say "well I'm happy, why do you drag everything down all the time?"".

What else would you be sharing with your partner? I don't even know where to start (my parents didn't have any normal sort of relationship. DP's do but he somehow remains oblivious to how it should work).

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NicNocJnr · 11/05/2012 06:33

Sorry but wtf? He'd be horrified you were leaving, after that list?? OMFG - good luck to you OP find a grown up.

We discuss all of your above things.

  • What has happened in our pasts - our life experience, what made us who we are. Where do we come from? Where are we going.


  • What we want to do together, or separately - joint hobbies, days out, girls/boys days out.


  • The kids - when did they happen?? Shock no, but what we wanted for them, how they're shaping up, how happy they are, should we be doing anything else all that parenty shite.


  • Sex life. Fond rememberences or plans for new stuff.


  • Everything - why have I got such a bloody itchy foot? Where did x go? Why did you move the bathroom cabinet round. Where did that extra kid come from?


  • Thoughts - we often have disussions about topics (often sparked by a tv prog or the news) and how we form the conclusions, we challenge each other. It helps to to get to know the other in wider sense than just the household stuff. It also reaffirms the bonds of resonance I find. Are we still singin from the same hymbook or is the other person getting new ideas/opinions from outside your twosome. So when you change you change together or in a mutually acceptable way.


  • Feelings hippy - We are interested in the other, we want to know how they're getting on. We can sense or see if somethings off and we want to help. Are you stressed? why are you xyz? Can xyz help you feel better?


  • Bills/Money - all of that. Changes to the budget whatever really.


  • Daydreams/wishes/in an ideal world I would...- all of that stuff, hopes, fears, retirement plans, moving to the country/town/internationally, running a pub, so, so much.

Whatever comes up that day at work or at play.

There's so much we talk about really. We know each other inside out. In most cases one of us would be able to reliably predict the answer/response to a question asked of the other. It helps to navigate situations that need resolving when the other isn't present - I trust DH to make choices about anything that wouldn't upset me or go against what I feel is 'right' and vice versa. We don't agree on everything but we get the differences of opinion of the other and factor it in.

Unhelpfully the biggest things we get out of our intamacy is the ability to just be. We can be present but not engaging with each other without it feeling isolating or worrying there is some upset or unfriendliness going on. We can lead individual lives and get involved with things quite intensely without it feeling like it's taking away from the relationship. Intamacy gives us a freedom actually - we don't need to be attatched to each other to feel closeness. It is a huge question I think is different for everyone depending on type, temperament and what their priorities are.
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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/05/2012 08:06

Anna, do you really need other people's confirmation that they have fulfilling relationships in order to accept that yours isn't?

You are not fulfilled. That is reason enough. Your feelings ARE valid.

Why do you want to try and say "other people have such and such" to your 12-yr-old flatmate of a P? Respect your own feelings first! It is enough to say "I, Anna1976, want X, Y and Z in a relationship, and I am not getting them with you." Or even to say that to yourself only. You don't need his understanding to leave a relationship you are so unhappy in.

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NicNocJnr · 11/05/2012 08:20

Also that ^^

I can see though that being able to outline a plan for verbalising your thoughts coherently would be helpful. I would just say I'm out but I can see that clarifying that xyz is why could help with firming up the ground for you to walk away on. Also it may actually be constructive for him. Doubtful, but you never know.

I've also been in a position of wanting info like this to help see me through, make the decision finally or to reflect on why I did afterward. I'm not adverse to giving reason and expanding on your choice - you said he would be horrified, it would seem a kindness to make it clear to him but I do agree there is no need to have to justify yourself.

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Anna1976 · 11/05/2012 08:41

HotDamnLIG, I think I'm looking for what I would need to work on to salvage this or to be sure of myself to firm up the ground on which i walk away. I don't really know what i'm doing with relationships. I realise my feelings are valid but am trying to build a context where we can try to make it work.

nicNocJr, thanks for the candid portrait of what clearly works rather well Smile


Am at work, but will return tomorrow.

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MrsPtoBe · 11/05/2012 08:54

What do we share? Everything.. just..everything! Past, present, future and everything in between from the big stuff like our plans to emigrate when the time is right to the tiny things like should we start using olive spread instead of sunflower lol..I couldn't live like you live, nor could my h2b, to not be able to discuss your hopes and dreams with the person you love? You only get one go around in this life, Anna, why on earth would you waste it on someone who won't let you live it to it's fullest?

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blapbird · 11/05/2012 09:04

I think you should get out and experience the joy that can come from being with someone you are spiritually, emotionally, sexually compatible with, the it's more likely you will be able to weather any storm.

I am not talking as someone from a perfect relationship myself, yes we are best friends but our sexual compatibility is in question at the moment, however we love and respect each other enough to try our best to under stand each other and if we ever grow apart because of this, I think we will still remain good friends because that's what we were when we started.

Your situation sounds very unhappy, life is so short you need to prioritise being happy and getting away from this poisonous man.
Good luck. Smile

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dondon33 · 11/05/2012 09:10

Anna I'm sorry and I do sympathise but I can't see why you are with this man. How can you plan your life with a person who doesn't deem it necessary to share with his Dp what his long term plans are?? What if you found that he doesn't want children but you definitely do? why waste X amount of time with him.

  • he doesn't tell you he loves you :(
  • Doesn't listen to your whining which I'm assuming is what he calls it when you try to discuss
  • You don't speak to each other.
    Why would you want to be with a guy like that.- Friendly and loving on a daily basis- is just not good enough.
    You are a grown woman with rights and needs from a relationship Anna and he is not meeting any of those. You need to sit him down and tell him, be firm that he WILL listen to you and your opinion then tell him how you feel, tell him you are thinking about leaving if the situation doesn't drastically improve, don't pussy foot, be as straight and as brutal as you need to be,he needs to hear it.

    If he doesn't have enough respect for you to at least hear you out then run Anna, as far away from him as possible and find some one who deserves you. You see from what some other posters are writing about their relationships, it doesn't have to be this way and you don't have to settle for shit partner.
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Ragwort · 11/05/2012 09:11

You need to get out of this 'relationship' - I have been married over 24 years and to be honest those sort of conversations have somewhat dwindled (but do still happen) from the initial frequency but seriously, in the first few years of courtship Grin and marriage we talked about this sort of stuff endlessly ..... you are not with the right man. Sad

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/05/2012 09:14

I realise my feelings are valid but am trying to build a context where we can try to make it work.

You want to try and salvage things and "make it work" with a man who won't even listen to you?

Please don't hit your head on that brick wall too long or too hard.

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dondon33 · 11/05/2012 09:17

Just noticed your other post Anna
Of course your feelings are valid, as are your needs and wants. It doesn't matter if this is your 1st or your 21st relationship, you don't need to be an expert to know he isn't treating you properly. I'm going to assume your DP is not a complete idiot, he will know himself that he is not treating you properly, it's a question of what he wants to do about it once you lay everything out for him.

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Mumsyblouse · 11/05/2012 09:21

Well, I actually talk with my friends! I also know a lot about my friends' desires, plans for the future, thoughts about children, and so on. So, I wouldn't call this a 'friendly' situation at all.

I agree with those who say you don't need to justify why you are leaving (it's actually fairly obvious) and compare yourself with others. You are right, there is more out there than this type of not-disliking each other flatmate relationship.

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NicNocJnr · 11/05/2012 10:23

Sorry if it sounded dickish Blush all I was trying to do was list faithfully the things I think it's really important for us to keep talking about and that keeps us current, close and working as a team to make clear how much your partner is taking from you in terms of, what is imo, very important, essential communication.

Please don't feel this is meat as poorly as it may come out (bear in mind I'm a bit of a wally) but I was not surprised you are not overly satisfied with your sex life. Yes he may just have a bit of a rubbish technique but that could be overcome, as many things can, but if tomorrow he turned into Cassanova the sex would not be satisfying iyswim - although I'm of the view no-strings sex without 'love' can be mind blowing, there is something that can't be replicated and, for me, the intimacy is a huge part of the actual action...I think I'm trying to explain it stupidly - but like ape ritual grooming reaffirming relationships, healing rifts etc - it can be all things. It can be used as a tool to aid other methods of being close, for it's own sake and also as a food for intimacy - leading on to sillyness, musings or just opening the way to talk. You are not able to use it for those things because even in a time of closeness he is fundamentally disconnected from you. Is it everybodies way? No but it can be used in all those ways and more we probably haven't thought of. I think I would find the fact that he can withold all of that from you when you are generally meant to be at your closest (and most agreeable). I can't not go on in his head? He must think about things surely, he's not an amoeba!

You have no boxes ticked in the spiritually/intellectually, emotionally, sexually list - so you can't talk to him about any of it, you are being taken away from on every score. I think you know you deserve better. The majority will probably say he will not be able to provide it, I agree, and think you should move on to pastures new. But if you decide to outline it then I think it's fairly obvious it is a whole core values shift change - and that is not possible for many people.

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/05/2012 10:38

dickish? wally?

You are wise, compassionate, AND funny on this board, NicNoc. Don't do yourself down!

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Anna1976 · 11/05/2012 10:43

NicNocJr you are anything but dickish and a wally, you are totally right Smile.
i should get off Mn and concentrated on work

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Anna1976 · 11/05/2012 10:49

btw something that really resonates is the "are we singing from the same hymnbook". No, we're not. It is really horrible to be making stuff up on the spot in front of him, when I am repeatedly asked about life plans (we are going overseas on sabbatical to a place where the locals seem to think the only way to relate to me is through my nonexistent kids); just because somehow I find it easier to come across as a career-minded anti-children person who knows my own mind and will answer without input from him, than someone who can actually get her partner to have that conversation Sad

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NicNocJnr · 11/05/2012 11:21

Hotdamn - my life is a bit comedic! But thank you Thanks

Anna - I think the way is clear. It isn't for everyone but for me children were a need, non-negotiable. I need transparency, I certainly need trust and respect - dealbreakers all of them. Am I slightly more complicated in my needs than others...well possibly but fundamentally I think those things should hold true for eveyone (apart from children).

The real crux of this is - you have dreams, wants and aims in your life. They are as important and relelvant as everything else. Being in a relationship is not always plain sailing, of course not (we are not always best buddies if you wake that baby I swear to God I'm shutting your balls in a drawer but we usually are) but the fundamentals should be based on a shared vision of your life together and the knowledge that you can work together to achieve those things. However you manage the day to day the fundamentals need to be in place. If you had a report of a dog that was being fed and was kept in the house but was ignored, never walked, played with or stimulated you would say - feeding and feeling like you love it is not enough, you must meet all their needs for them to be happy and healthy. If you were told of someone who had the same needs met as yours - what would you say?

Also I'm working too Grin my boss is awesome though and this morning let me play with a kitten and come in in my pjs my boss is me Grin Grin

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