Pregnant and fed up of DP

[tiredmummytobe]

I have namechanged for this. I am 3 months pregnant with our first child and I'm really beginning to get fed up of DP's attitude. I don't know if it's hormones or if I am justified in being utterly pissed off.

We both work full time. Fair enough his job is manual and is quite tough physically where as mine is office based. However, I come home from work and have to do all the cooking, cleaning, washing. If I didn't do anything he would literally live on shop-bought sandwiches and crisps and the plates would mount up and just sit there until they start to go mouldy.

He works as many hours as me but completely different shift patterns so he is at home every single day until 1pm sometimes 2pm. I on the other hand leave the house at 8am and sometimes don't get home until 8 or 9pm by which time I am knackered but still have to cook and do the housework.

I also resent the fact that he is so fucking miserable a lot of the time. He whinges about such trivial things and stresses me out when I could do without it. He also keeps complaining that we haven't had sex in about a month now. Every time we get into bed he says 'do you know how long it's been?' I have told him how much of a turn off it is and that perhaps if he changed his attitude and tried kissing me and a bit of foreplay rather than moaning then perhaps he wouldn't have had to wait so long.

Is it me or is it him? And how are we going to cope if we are like this before the baby has even arrived?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YANBU... Has he always been like this and you've just not noticed before or has he changed a lot since the pregnancy began? There is a sadly all-too-common problem with first babies which is that the woman 'grows up', looks forward to the new arrival & starts acclimatising for the new responsibility but the man remains immature, resents any restrictions on his lifestyle and rebels against responsibility. Some people never get past this

I think it's a case of 'start as you mean to go on' and you need to talk. Housework has to be shared or else, you're right, when the baby arrives you'll be doing all the above and looking after the baby 24/7 as well. Being miserable for no good reason is just a bad habit. On the sex question... he thinks 'sex' = 'you like me' and 'no sex' = 'you don't like me'. Again it's time for him to grow up and understand reality. If he can't get his head around 'knackered' = 'I want affection and practical help, not a shag' then he is going to find the early stage of parenthood really tough to deal with.

Good luck and put your foot down.

[HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans]

Erm hard to say really if he has always been like this why on earth are you together, let alone having a child with him

[PurplePidjin]

Tell him you only shag adults and he'll get his leg over when he starts acting like one!

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

You don't "have" to do all the cooking, cleaning and washing, no. You choose to. That is different. So, he would live on crisps and the washing would pile up if you didn't do it all. And?

He knows you'll do all the housework and cave in if he does none. Try not caving in, and showing him you're serious about wanting a more equal division of labour. Definitely join words to action and talk to him about what you want, too, and see if he is willing to grow up about it. Maybe he isn't.

Badgering you for sex is the sign of a true arse. Maybe he is willing to grow up about that, or again, maybe he isn't. You decide what your limit of acceptable behaviour is.

What trivial things does he whinge about, and why does this stress you out?

[tiredmummytobe]

He hasn?t always been like this no or we wouldn?t have lasted this long. He used to cook and clean as much as I do but I can?t pinpoint when it all changed.

He has already said when the baby comes I need to be the one getting up in the night because he has to work the next day and I don?t. Err.. yeh at 2 o?clock in the afternoon I told him I don?t mind doing it the majority of the time but he needs to help me out sometimes because I need a break as well. He pulls a face when I say this. Just like this morning when I went to work, I asked him if he would put some washing on for me and he just pulled a face and raised his eyebrows. He has a day off today and doesn?t have any plans so why he can?t turn the washing on I don?t know.

He moans about work, he moans when he has to let the dog out, he moans because there's no food in the fridge The fridge is never empty but if there's nothing that he can't just shove in the microwave then there is no food.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

OK, his behaviour is shite. And he has no incentive to change - he's king of the castle and that suits him fine: he doesn't need to lift a finger, and his things are magically washed, and food magically appears. It's easy! All he has to do is wait you out or growl a bit. And he's already letting you know how little he intends to do for your child.

He's perfectly happy with this situation, but you're not. So: what are you planning to say or do now?

[Loonybun]

I left my dd's dad when she was 6 months old for similar (she is now 9). Why look after two children when you only have obligations to one? He's not caring, sharing or helping you out.

Is he happy about the pregnancy? I suggest he needs to know you will leave him if his behaviour continues. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. Who would!!!

For the record I am now remarried to a lovely dh who does everything equally with me, he was up at 11pm last night unloading the dishwasher and folding washing after a full day at work - I am currently on maternity leave 35 wks preg with our first child together.

Don't put up with it. He is being an arse.

[tiredmummytobe]

Yes he's happy about the pregnancy. The baby was very much planned and wanted by both of us.

I decided this week that I wouldn't do anything around the house and hope that would give him a hint that he was expected to do something. But the house is a tip and we are going away tomorrow so if I come home and it's not done I will have to do it all tonight.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable because I had the bank holiday off and he didn't. But he was off tuesday and today.

[tiredmummytobe]

When he says that I'm the one being unreasonable I start to believe it. That's why I needed to post because I thought maybe I am the problem.

[Loonybun]

Then basically he is just a chauvanistic arse. And he expects you to do it all and knows you will. So unless you tell him you will leave unless he helps out then he will continue like this.

Is there anywhere you could vanish to for a week or two saying you need a break to give him a shock?

One of the funniest memories I have is of me showing my ex how to use the washing machine when he was about to move out as he never did anything to help and didn't have a clue what to do - it suddenly dawned on him he'd have to do everything for himself.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

You are not the problem.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't rely on hints because stubbornly lazy people are quite capable of ignoring them when it suits. They'll happily walk round great heaps of crap until the cows come home. You need to be quite specific about what needs doing and then you have to work out between you how it's going to get done. Expectations have to be set and agreed or one of you (and it'll be you) will get increasingly dumped on and taken for granted. Or worse... accused of being a 'nag' because you're always having to remind him.

He won't like it but it has to be done.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

You are not the problem.

But why are you saying 'please can you put the washing on for me'? Presumably his clothes also need cleaning?

[GoPoldark]

No, you don't have to do it all tonight. Simply DON'T. If that means you don't go away, maybe that is more important - to not go, to say 'things couldn't get organised because half of the couple involved didn't pull their weight. What a shame, both lose out.'

You NEED to sort this out now, either way, BEFORE the baby, because having this as the status quo when your baby gets here will a. make you far more liable to suffer PND, or at the very least have a miserable time and b. will reinforce to him that this is the way it's ALLOWED to be - if you basically muddle through doing everything with a newborn too, he literally will look at that and think 'I really will never have to do anything, it will never be busier than it is now and she can still do it all, I can still get away with it.'

I would suggest that tonight, instead of running around doing everything, that you get home, get in the bath, and get ready for bed, telling him that plans have changed for tomorrow - you won't be going away, you'll be having a big discussion. Because you are at the end of your tether, and you have realised that you neither want to live with or bring your child up with a lazy, selfish, moaning, miserable, boring, entitled tosser. Who you no longer even want to sleep with, because having to run around practically wiping the bum of your partner AND then listen to them moaning instead of at least being grateful to you for doing everything, all the time, for them, is the least attractive thing you can possibly imagine.

He'll start to moan and whinge/ get angry. I suggest you decide before this even starts that you are beyond anger. Let him rant, with your face tired and expressionless. And then just ask him if he wants to stay together or start making plans to separate. Repeatedly. Until he sits and listens. And make it clear that you have reached the stage where you KNOW it would be easier to live without him, even with the baby (especially with the baby) than with him. Frighten him. Then take it from there.

[GoPoldark]

Oh and no you are not the problem. He is a lazy twat, simple as that. I guarantee you that you would have an easier life in the long term without dragging this dead weight behind you - be assured of that, and bear it in mind when you speak to him.

[tiredmummytobe]

Oh he has already done his washing so it's not that he doesn't know how to operate the machine.

[AgathaFusty]

Why do you have to do it tonight if it's not done?

Walking back into it after a holiday might be the wake-up call he needs.

[dondon33]

I don't think he's going to "get" leaving mess for him, probably will just complain to you about it.
Sit him down and explain to him that as your Dp and the father to your baby it is not fair for him to leave everything to you. He needs to man up and accept some responsibility both for your home and for your well being. Anyone who has been pregnant (and their caring partners) know exactly how tiring it can be. OK you both work full time but your hours are crap tiredmummy, it's a hell of a long day for you. Appreciate that his job is manual but seriously 30/60 mins of cleaning daily is not going to kill him. He needs to get his arse into gear and make some kind of routine before baby arrives. I agree with what Gopoldark has said - shock treatment is a tactic that could be effective. Good luck xx

[bogeyface]

Did his mother do everything for him?

I noticed that when I had my first child with my ex H he changed from a man who could quite competently wash, iron, cook {(well, sort of!) clean etc, into a man who couldnt do any of those things.

At counselling, when we were weeks away from splitting, he was coaxed into admitting that as soon as I was pg, I became the mother, the grown up (mentioned above) and therefore it was my job to do all these things as his mother had always done them.

Sadly, nothing changed and we did indeed split up.

[PooPooInMyToes]

He sounds like a twat!

[pollyblue]

Oh God, threads like this make me want to sit in a corner and rock in despair.

Men like this, Christ...words fail me. He's a poor bloody excuse.

Look after yourself and the baby and do bugger all for him. Interesting that he's done his washing. I would do absolutely nothing for the lazy pillock and that includes 'marital relations'.

is it really 2012? is it?! And we still have petulant so-called grown-up men to deal with.

Personnally OP I'd just tell him to fuck off, but I'm having a bad day

[HepHep]

Fuck me, he sounds like an arsehole. Men like this only get worse once the baby arrives, sadly.

You're not the one with the problem. Don't EVER let him make you think that. He's being the cunt here, not you.

What is it with these men that seek to punish women in any way possible, whenever they can? I'll never understand it. You both have a potentially nice setup which could be equal and respectful and full of love, and here he is acting like a twat.

I can't stress enough that you should run very fast away from someone who treats you like this when you are pregnant with their child, but I know it's easier said than done.

[HepHep]

x posts, polly :) yy to rocking in a corner in dispair...

[pollyblue]

[YourFanjoIsNotAHandbag]

If you do nothing and let it build up and hope he cracks...isn't that being as childish as him?
You are a grown up, so is he, sit down and work out a plan for housework as it is clearly impossible for you to work full time, carry his child AND do the housework.

As for getting up in the night, it's not to give you a break, it's because IT IS HIS CHILD TOO

Just speak to him. Calmly organize a plan that works for both of you.
If you keep saying, can you do this chore FOR ME it is effectively saying its your job.

It could be he is very clueless about the amount of work it takes to run the house.