Haven't posted on here for ages but its all gone wrong again....

[gremlindolphin]

Have had problems in the past and MNetters have be very supportive but things have been going well for ages (a year) until the last two weeks.

DH very tired and stressed as a lot of overseas travel recently and very grumpy and controlling with me and the dcs for the past two weeks. I have tried talking to him, ignoring him, shouting, being nice - the whole lot.

Tonight he has suppassed himself by hiding my car keys because I don't deserve a car, hidden all the phones in the house because I didn't put the one downstairs back on the stand, tells me that I obviously don't give a shit about him, I am lazy, I see friends too often, I need to get a job and he doesn't want to be anywhere near me.

None of these things are true, I am not perfect but...

There are lot of things going on in my life at the moment and this is making me feel very miserable.

Just want some reassurance and hugs as I am not getting them here!

[Olympia2012]

Hiding phones? That's worrying. In fact it all is.

[tribpot]

There are lot of things going on in my life at the moment and this is making me feel very miserable.

What does he say when you tell him this?

Hiding the keys and phones sounds both incredibly immature and incredibly controlling - I can't imagine ever doing that, can you?

[foolonthehill]

And he is being unreasonable, controlling, disrespectful...is this a return to old form or is it new OP??

[tallwivglasses]

What a tit. He's treating you like a naughty teenager. Is he much older than you?

[notoriginal]

I don't know your past issues, and don't want to sound dramatic, but could there be an OW?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

hiding car keys, withdrawing phones, telling you that you "don't deserve" such and such and belittling you (lazy, should get a job) is all controlling and nasty fuckwittery that is just not on.

What problems is it that you had in the past? Were they with him, and of the same nature? What made you believe that things had been resolved in the past year?

[gremlindolphin]

Past issues are all controlling ea type stuff interspersed with great times.

He is the same age as me.

I thought we had it all sorted over the last year but this is just mental. I am not coping well and keep crying which doesn't help.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I thought we had it all sorted over the last year

Why? Did he resolve to change and go to therapy? Or was it just an extended "nice" bit of the cycle of abuse?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Of course you're crying - this is awful. Crying is OK.

[gremlindolphin]

I thought we were normal again as he has been behaving like the lovely friend I fell in love with again. I am learning again that when he has episodes like now he just changes the goalpost and that whatever I do he wants more - ie house being clean and tidy all the time - why aren't I painting it, doing more gardening etc etc.

[foolonthehill]

Yes, gremlin, that is the problem with EA he will expect to be told "wow you kept it up for a year!!! well done of course you can let the mask slip a little now that you are stressed/tired/working hard".

The truth is that proper non EA nice people don't have the mask on, they don't do this stuff ever, they apologise, work hard, appreciate their loved ones because they know they are not the only ones who count in the world.

If your DP has not had significant intervention (perps course) and shown significant understanding of his problems (not just ways to plaster over the cracks for a while.) then this cycle will continue. He has no reason to stop it.

What will help you right now??

[Lueji]

Foolonthehill is right.

You have to decide what you want to do, because he won't change, not permanently.
He was capable of being better for a year, so he knows his behaviour is unacceptable. He just doesn't want to change it.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Do you have a good friend to speak to and get some RL support?

Would you like to speak to the understanding, sympathetic and knowledgeable people at Women's Aid, to sort your feelings out? 0808 2000 247

Do you have a therapist?

[amillionyears]

The other 50 weeks of the year, when things were going well, was he tired and stressed then?

[NicNocJnr]

I agree it just sounds like he's reverting to type. This is the pattern - it takes a great deal of energy for these types of people to be 'nice' and live unselfishly within the family. It takes a toll on them to not be the centre of attention.

I am sending you hugs, I don't know about the reassurance - I can reassure you that you are not all those things, you are not deserving of that treatment but I can't reassure you about anything else because with known form and no attempt to get help to change permanently I think he's made it quite clear he'll go so far and no further and expects you to take up the slack and do as you're told.

More hugs for you.

[sadanduseless]

So sorry, OP that things are bad between you both; when this happened to me, it was because P had another woman. Have you considered this?

[AnyFucker]

why does him being "tired and stressed" equate to the right to control, belittle, dehumanise and abuse you ?

you are making excuses for him

you need to stop doing that

[fiventhree]

Wow, he thinks he is your dad, then, and a nasty controlling and unsupportive one at that.

This really really isnt on. I think if he thinks he can tell you what to do, as though you are some kind of chattel, then you have no long term future together.

My H has been dealing very well with his own 'control' issues recently, and at counselling, which it sounds like he needs too.

My h's issues were centred around the need to hide information from me, as opposed to telling me what I must do, so more manipulation in some ways.

I think your h sounds like a bully. Also, your car is your car, and the house phone is jointly owned. How dare he.

However, I think the main thing here is why you let him get away with it. I noticed that you said '...I'm not perfect but'. You dont have to justify yourself like this, either to him or yourself. I think you need a long think and maybe some help regarding why you allow him to belittle you in this way.