Just found out DH not been paying mortgage and now have 15 days to sort it

[carocaro]

That's is really, he told me he had been paying it OK every month, promised me after we had 18 months of nightmare due to unemplyment/redundancy and the bank were great at the time. We were on a scheme to pay the normal mortgage and some extra.

DH's explanation is that he lied because he gets paid at different, albeit, the same times each month and just did not sort payments properly and it all got in a mess. No excuse really.

I spoke to them and they said they just need to do income and expenditure sheet and work out a repayments, they guy was very sympathetic on the phone as I got upset.

I just feel sitting here now in the house I love and worked hard to pay for when I was working, feels fake and could be taken away so easily. Why does my Dh not get this? He earns enough to pay the mortgage and promised me he had been.

This happened to me when I was at home with my parents, and the house was taken away due to a failed business. He knows this and how horrible it was when I was younger, but does not have capability to pay the £ every month.

How can the reason to leave someone be becuase they can't pay the mortgage?

[catsrus]

[Jinx1906]

Get your DH to pay the bill straight away if he has the money in his account. If not get some fee advice from your local Citizens advice bureau as soon as possible. Perhaps they can put your mind at rest. If it were me I would not let the weekend go over this. I would speak to them straight away.

[fedupwithbt]

Hi Carocaro

so sorry to hear you are having to deal with this, Ii also experienced the loss of a family home when young and it has affected me all my life also so i know some of how you feel.

My first thought is that (and this may be an unpopular opinion) that you need to take control of the family finances soomehow. Would your DH agree to this. When I left home my own Mum always said that no matter what else happened you paid your mortgage/rent and then did the best you could with whatever was left. It seems like your DH hasn't really grasped this or perhaps he feels, having experienced understanding from the bank once that he can keep expecting this (unlikely in my experience) .

Also hope you don't mind me just wondering out loud but is there any possibility you could become the one soley earning to cover the mortgage? Just a thought as if i was in your position it would be the lesser of two 'evils' if that makes sense, as i could not live with the worry.

Whatever, I think you need to have a very serious discussion with your DH and lay it on the line that this may even be a dealbreaker for you, and see how he reacts.

[bogeyface]

I would be pissed off about that, no doubt, but I would also be asking where the hell the mortgage money has been going if he hasnt been paying it.

Depending on where the money has gone, would decide whether I left him or not.

Can you check bank statements, credit card bills etc?

[Mother2many]

It's so hard... Can his work set up to have the money automatically taken out and deposited in the mortage?? I'm glad they are trying to help out you since obviously your DP isn't concerned about it!!!

My DP is also terrible at paying bills. He's away all week, (home only wknds) and I get tired of disconnection notices too. Our last hydro bill I finally decided to open (in his name only) was $1, 000 Cdn! SOO, he hasn't been making payments for a very long time.

I hate walking around our trailer park and bumping into our managers, who tell me, "DP is late on pad rental again".... I attempted to be a friend of hers but because of this...it caused an underlying issue between us...

I also lost 2 homes when I was growing up due to bankruptcy.... It was hard, and still is when my dad talks about the old days....

[LineRunner]

I think you need to talk to him about where the money has been going. That's a lot of money to simply fritter away. That's a massive lie to tell.

And I'm so sorry you have the stress of this to get through.

I agree with fedup that you need to take control of finances at least for the time being, to protect the roof over your head and your own interests.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You wouldn't be leaving him over the mortgage. The bigger problem is that you're not party to the family finances. If you had access to bank accounts and statements you would have spotted straight away that payments hadn't been made. Being kept in the dark and then being let down and lied to just compounds the problem.

If you can't afford the house, if your debts are too high or your outgoings too large for your income, then you need to look at that as a team and decide how to tackle it. If he has plenty of cash coming in, take charge of it... he can't be trusted.

FWIW they are unlikely to take the house away. Lenders these days would rather reschedule and keep people in their homes. They tend to lose more by repossessing.

[redrubyshoes]

What did he think was going to happen OP? The bank would just let it go?

[carocaro]

The thing is we have had this dicussion before, more than once and he keeps promising me he will do it but he always lets me down. We have been together since we were 16, (now 38-39) I was looking after the children til the youngest went to school in Sept and have had some work in that time and have set up a business from home which has just started making some £. I did that as I could not get a job in my previous profession as I was up against those made redundant recently whereas I had been out of the market for 4 years.

Its such a easy to fix dealbreaker on his part, that is what I can't fathom.

He says he is paying some of the arrears next week when he gets some expenses owed. I could be in charge of all the ££ but he has to expense trips etc and they £££ comes through at different times, so it is not as simple as get paid on the last day of each month and pay your bills straight away. I still could do it, that would be just great as I so do fucking everything else anyway.

[izzyizin]

Why weren't the mortgage repayments made by direct debit from his bank account each month?

What has he done with the money that he's not used to repay the mortgage?

Has it been piling up in his bank account, or has he spent it on gambling, drink, and wild, wild, women?

It seems to me that the pair of you need to go through your joint income and expenditure with a fine tooth comb and, if your dh isn't capable of ensuring that his family has a secure roof over its head, it may be expedient for you to manage the family finances.

[carocaro]

RRS - your quess is as good as mine and I have known the man for 25 years.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

Why can't you see the bank statements etc? Get online access set up and take control of the family financies.

Where is the money going - gambling, drink, drugs, other woman, that's what I'd want to know.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

Sorry x post

[carocaro]

Its all online with hsbc

[margerykemp]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time of it. Sounds like you DP is just no good with money. Is he good at other things to compensate? You mentioned you do everything else, is this the straw that broke the camel's back?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So do you have access to the HSBC account online? Do you check it regularly?

[kilmuir]

take charge. he has had plenty of chances.

[Chandon]

why is it YOUR job to sort it out, and not his?

I mean, that is fair enough, I pay the bills in our house, but that also means I have full access to any money coming into our joint account.

If you have the responsibilities, and he has the cash, then it is not a great set up!

Could he borrow some money of relatives?

[FizzyLaces]

You are me a year ago. My DP lost his job and built up loads of secret debts (except I have always paid the mortgage) which meant we couldn't buy a bigger house (we are stuck in a shoebox). I kicked my DP out for a few months, as I just couldn't trust him and he really let me down. He came back in Nov with a much better attitude and after having some counselling. I was having a helluva time with loads of things and I realised he is great at domestic stuff, with the kids, supports me in my work and I do the money. (I also love him and enjoy his company which helps) It has solved a lot of problems although as a full time working parent it is an added responsibility. My Dad was dreadful with money and my Mum took control too BTW.

I still have wobbles about trusting him, but I have learned he just can't do money. I know it is abit like admitting defeat and he should learn, but it is a damn sight better than losing my home and I'm not perfect either.

[wheredidiputit]

So was he paying the morgage just late or not paying it at all.

If hasn't been paying it at all where has that money gone.

[MadameChinLegs]

I would be concerned about the arrears
I would be more concerned about where the money went
I would be even more concerned about the lies and the fact that if he was finding it difficult, he didn't come to you and speak to you about it.

As and when you get things back on track, money wise, I think you need to furnish yourself with account details and tbh, take control of all credit cards too.

[luckybun]

Very siimilar situation to me but it was loan not mortgage for us, which went from initial 28k and when I found out that he hadn't been paying it it has risen to 40k! and for me it was the straw that broke the camels back I'm afraid, he is a nice guy but was useless at everything else so there wasn't really anything to compensate - we have been separated for 3 months, he has moved out and i am feeling more relaxed and so so so much calmer being in control and knowing exactly where every penny goes.

[timetoask]

When I was 12 my mum finally had enough of my dad's terrible house finance management. She took scissors and broke all his credit cards in half and took control of finances. Thank goodness, don't know what would have happened otherwise!
They are still together after 50years or marriage btw

[LineRunner]

So where has he been spening the money. Do you know? Do you not want to know.

[LineRunner]

spending sorry