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How do I meet a man who doesn't just want sex?

(474 Posts)
hatesponge Mon 07-May-12 13:47:26

Just that really.

I have tried the whole online stuff. If we go on a date and there's an attraction between us, there is always the expectation it will end it sex. Sometimes it does. And I never see them again. Not the end of the world, itch scratched and all that but part of me thinks well we had a decent time, why not see me again? And on the dates where there's an attraction but nothing happens (well maybe a bit of kissing but no more) I never see them again either, because obviously sex was the motivating factor and, as they didn't get it, they've moved on to an easier conquest.

It's EXACTLY the same in RL too. I meet men through work, friends etc. And then nothing, whether stuff happens or it doesnt. Sex - or more specifically one off conquests - appears to be the sole motivation.

I'm sure there must be some men who are not like this. But I don't seem to be able to attract them, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. It can't all be down to luck surely?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-May-12 14:13:24

I've never tried online dating as I suspect many use it to scout for shags. IRL I've had a lot more success with men when we share an interest and hang around as part of a group than the whole one-on-one 'dating' business which, you're right, is loaded with expectations. If we like each other enough after that, it seems to last a reasonable amount of time. Have trouble getting rid of some of them actually! <Stealth brag>

hatesponge Mon 07-May-12 14:16:51

I don't really have interests in that sense. But the men I meet in RL are no different really. I havent had a second date in nearly 4 years (since my last relationship ended). I meet men once and that's it.

squeakytoy Mon 07-May-12 14:18:37

what is happening on these dates.. what do you talk about with them?

you are getting the first dates, so attracting the men doesnt seem to be the problem...

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-May-12 14:19:29

Maybe it's you? It's not a line I'd normally take but if it's been 4 years I'd be wondering what it is about me that puts people off a second viewing. I suppose it's leaving yourself wide open and you'd have to have a pretty thick skin to do it, but have you ever asked one of them why they didn't call back?

amillionyears Mon 07-May-12 14:19:58

I would work up some courage and ask them.And ask people around you what they think.Personally, for me, I would rather know. And the answers may surprise you.And may be rather easy to fix.

amillionyears Mon 07-May-12 14:20:33

Crossed post with Cogito.

hatesponge Mon 07-May-12 14:24:02

What do we talk about - it depends, anything and everything. The last date - from memory we spoke about work, careers, places we'd been to, things we'd enjoyed doing, just the usual chit chat. I'm a sociable person, and attract similar sorts of people, so not like we're sitting there in silence or anything.

I haven't ever asked why they didn't want to see me again - I never hear from them after so if I did text and ask why I doubt they'd reply tbh.

hatesponge Mon 07-May-12 14:26:40

People around me are mostly astounded I am single. That's not me bigging myself up Samantha Brick style-y, it's the truth. They can't offer any explanation other than that I'm an independent successful woman (which apparently some men find scary). They think perhaps 'nicer' men are intimidated by me, so I tend to attract the more confident, only after a shag, type.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-May-12 14:27:09

It's got to be worth a shot. Maybe one of the ones from RL rather than internet dating bandits? Make it clear that their comments won't get their rabbits boiled or anything smile

I don't know, but I'm marking my place to see if there's some tips for me grin

squeakytoy Mon 07-May-12 14:29:32

Have you ever been on a double date, or gone on a blind date with a friend and her partner? If not, then do that and see what feedback you can get from that maybe.

hatesponge Mon 07-May-12 14:32:37

The last RL guy disappeared on me. We had arranged to meet, he stood me up. Not sure I'll get anywhere with asking him as he never replied to my texts asking where he was.

I've never been on a double date. However I have met men many times when out with friends, exchanged no's etc - the RL guy mentioned above was one of those. I met him on a night out with my BF who said she thought he could not have been more interested. She was very shock that he stood me up.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-May-12 14:33:45

Independent and successful can be intimidating for some, I suppose. I remember the first date with my current boyfriend ... normally I'm trying to keep the conversation going but he's such a blabbermouth chatty type that I didn't get a word in edgeways beyond 'oh really?', 'how interesting' and 'tell me more about yourself'. As a result I probably came across as more demure and girlish than is really the case. (Obviously he has since met the real me and luckily wasn't too shocked)

Maybe you need to try something similar as an experiment? Play it shy, talk only about them and hit 'em with the real you when you've got them snared! <Realises that sounds deeply calculating emoticon>

amillionyears Mon 07-May-12 14:41:50

Independent definition is free from outside control.Do you want to stay independent?
If you want a relationship with somebody, you may have to be prepared to compromise on some things.

hatesponge Mon 07-May-12 14:45:51

I had a date back in February in which I let him do most of the talking, was (for me) fairly quiet etc. He is very clever (I never attract clever men) so was too busy being both surprised and impressed to be terribly talkative.

It didn't make any difference. He has since made it clear he's happy to booty call me at 11pm at night, but he has no interest in actually dating me. I haven't seen him again, because I think I'm worth more than that.

hatesponge Mon 07-May-12 14:49:14

I mean independent in the sense that I manage on my own. I have had to - I have no parents or family other than my DC. It is just me and them. There's not really an alternative to being independent in those circs.

I'd like a relationship. Right now I'd be happy just to get to a 2nd or even 3rd date though!

amillionyears Mon 07-May-12 14:50:51

I agree you are worth more than that.
The next thing I wish to say, and I dont mean this to come across wrongly, is,do the guys know each other, and have in any way a wrong idea about you.ie are you seeing guys who know you and talk about you behind your back and expect certain things.

Sunshinedelacruz Mon 07-May-12 14:54:37

This has happened to me too, loads of times. Too many! I always thought I didn't get a second date because of the way I looked or something similar. Then one time I decided to ask the date why I didn't get a follow up and I also asked a trusted male friend. The date told me it was obvious to him that I didn't want a boyfriend. In my conversation I had made it clear that I wanted to travel so he assumed I wouldn't be getting into a relationship. I hadn't even realised I had spoken so strongly about travelling. My male friend said I can be aloof if you don't know me and i give nothing away. He also said i give the impression that I am very tough therefore would not blink at a not being called back. He also said I'm not clear in what I mean. Ie i rely on hints and my body language is closed. He also said i can be a bit negative and I give an impression I don't care. It wasn't a good appraisal but it was true and it has helped me no end.
Sponge Im not sure whether a 360 type appraisal is the best thing to do but it was helpful to me to see how I came across to others. It was totally different to the impression I thought I gave out.
So I worked on being less aloof and it's so much better. I say things now like 'it's so nice to meet you' and I am much less negative. It just feels better and my twat radar is still tuned.
I'm sure you are neither aloof or negative but there may be little titbits you can pick up from A very trusted friend.

amillionyears Mon 07-May-12 14:55:34

Other ideas, and again, absolutely no wish to offend,might you dress in a certain way that may suggest things to certain men?
Im going to get a flaming if i am not careful
or put this thread off track for you
so apologies in advance if this happens.

amillionyears Mon 07-May-12 14:58:20

Good post from sunshine
I think it is indeed a case of playing detective about it.
I would also ask if you think you are attracted to certain types of men, and they let you down.Broaden your horison[cant think how to spell that}maybe if that is the case.

AKissIsNotAContract Mon 07-May-12 15:02:09

What dating sites are you using? Have you ticked the correct boxes that you are looking for long term relationship? Do you only date guys who are looking for the same?

I had similar problems, I asked a male friend to read my profile and he suggested I made some changes, which I did. A month later I met DP and we are now engaged. We met on POF.

hatesponge Mon 07-May-12 15:07:46

a million - No, the men definitely don't know each other. Re how I dress, possibly. I wear stuff which is flattering but shows off my figure, I lost a huge amount of weight last year so don't go round in a sack. I don't go all out though - on dates I tend to wear skinny jeans and an evening-y sort of top (I mainly go on evening dates because of work & children). A bit of cleavage (I have a large bust so that's inevitable), but nothing outrageous. Am not rocking up in a lycra mini or anything!

Re sites, I'm on POF atm. I was on Match in the past. I've tried OKcupid and Oasis too. My profile makes it abundantly clear I don't want a one-nighter or anything, and I've had second opinions on the profile to make sure it reads ok and makes me sound interesting (it does, apparently!).

Sunshine, what you say is interesting. Unfortunately I don't have any male friends who would give me such an honest appraisal, the only ones who know me well enough think I'm wonderful blush and wouldn't criticise me however much I asked! Which is lovely of them but not helpful.

amillionyears Mon 07-May-12 15:17:17

Next thought.And this one is a bit ugh sounding too.I have a friend who has a high pitched voice.And several men have commented that they find this off putting.Havent told my friend.Too afraid to.
If that is the case, I always have assumed that a voice coach could fix this if my friend wanted to.Still too scared to mention it to her though.

moomoo1967 Mon 07-May-12 15:18:59

I used to internet date and despite me actually saying in my profile that I was not up for an "intimate encounter" I still used to get offers !
Eventually I met DP and it is our 4 year anniversary today but I don't know what actually made him want to see me a second time. I used to arrange dates in the day time so that there was never the oppurtunity for the guy to try and initiate sex, some asked for a second date, some didn't. It is really hard to try and work out why so good luck, sorry that I have no other advice

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