When do you just let a friendship fizzle out?

[HomeEcoGnomist]

Someone I'd considered to be one of my closest friends really feels like she's now an acquaintance.

We both work FT but live only 15 min walk from each other. I have 2 boys, both born before her DS. When Ds1 was a baby we'd see each other a lot, both with and without him. After DS2 arrived, it did get harder, but I was hopeful that once she had her baby, we'd have more in common - and would be doing things that would be child focussed. In fact, it's been the opposite. We never get invited along to things (park trips/lunch etc) and even when we take the initiative, it feels like they will accept our offer as a last resort (and not if another, better offer might come)

Last 'incident' was being semi-invited round with only 2 days notice - for her birthday, which has always been an important get together in previous years

I guess I have answered my own question...am just a bit sad that a friendship of almost 20 years seems to have ended and I don't know why

[CrispyCod]

Friendships change over the years. One of my closest friends lives in the next street and we can go months without contact then go through a brief spell where we see each other a lot and it's as though nothing has changed.

Another friend disappeared out of my life for a few years and then drifted back in. Lifestyles change I suppose especially when kids come along and you then meet new friends as a result.

[veryconfusedatthemoment]

I had exactly the opposite - supported friends when they had their children. When my DS came along (after 5 years of IVF) the indifference was shocking. Some "friends" havent even met him and he is now 6.

I am terribly sad by it but just dont want to be the only one who makes the effort.

It is for me quite telling that when I do phone and their husbands answer, the stock response is" oh hi very confused havent heard from you in a long time" . Couldnt my friend ever phone me?

[knowotumean]

as i read on here-when-friendships make you feel crappy not happy -they need to fizzle

[Mumsyblouse]

I wouldn't end it, just let it lie for a bit. If you don't feel like asking them round, don't. But sometimes friendships do suffer from our busyness, if you are all working full time, and want to do family stuff on weekends, then there's little time for just hanging out with friends, which is a shame. I would not ask all the time if it weren't reciprocated, but equally take your chances where you can, perhaps you and your friend could go for a night out once a month rather than trying to coordinate families, going for an inpromptu birthday is actually quite nice I'm not sure why you are so bothered, perhaps they just left it late to arrange or didn't check with people so early this year.

It's nice to know people who knew you when you were young and getting out there, I wouldnt' ditch it, just perhaps keep it low-key for a while and see if the opportunity to do more comes in the next few years, you never know, I've found it often does, esp after the very early baby/toddler years (which it sounds like they are in right now).

[HomeEcoGnomist]

Thanks for your thoughts, I wanted to get some new perspectives

I totally get that friendships change - I suppose I just feel a bit disappointed that I'm not in the "inner circle" any more. On the face of it, I thought us both having kids would mean more joint outings that we all wanted to do (vs previously doing something that was child friendly before she had one)

I was trying not to get too touchy about the birthday thing; 2 days to sort a babysitter is quite tough, then I was told on Sat am I had to confirm in 30 mins as they were going to the supermarket! I am trying really hard not to feel petty/paranoid as I think that's a slippery slope. But even DH commented that it wasn't so much an invite as a 'better let you know this is happening but won't be bothered if you don't come' text.

We have a lot of shared history of really fun times, I just want a bit of that back! Maybe I do need to suggest just the 2 of us get together.

Will mull it over, thanks again for your thoughts

[izzyizin]

Jeez, you were given 30mins to confirm as they were going to get food for a birthday party?

What kind of ill-mannered tight gits are they?

Let this 'friendship' rot lie and don't make any more offers to them.

[springydaffs]

People change

[mrstgrlvr]

I think it's healthy to acknowledge what friendships are (and equally are not) and let them go when the time is right. It's not easy but it can feel liberating too - especially when you can focus on the positive things in your life. I think one of the foundations of friendship is being with people who make you feel good about yourself. It doesnt sound like your friend does this for you any more.

I've just recently started to let a couple of peripheral friendships go - both with people I like, care about and enjoy their company in many ways. But both are unable to confess any doubt about how they handle difficult things in their lives, raise their kids, deal with relationship or work problems. I'm open and honest about mine, and their portrayal of perfection kept me feeling bad about myself. We relate to each other less, so I don't seek them out any more. It feels ok to do that. Hope you feel more at peace with things soon.

[ninah]

when you are sick of it
overthinking op

[janelikesjam]

Really agree with alot of what Mrstgrlvr says.

I think these kinds of sadnesses are just that, sad parts of life. In "Friends", the American TV sitcom, they always make up, and their friendships always survive. But real life is not actually like that kind of fairytale. Its real and wonderful and sad.