In 2009 I met a handsome, lovely guy who unfortunately lives in London, while I'm in Yorkshire. We didn't see each other very often so kept it casual, but fell for each other. This was when I was 19. I hadn't had a proper relationship before and thought I was missing out I was stupid and I made a huge mistake and agreed to go out with a guy from College - 'd'p. We have been together for 2 and a half years now and I don't know why.
'D'P can be very controlling. I have no friends left because he doesn't like me seeing them and my parents love him (he moved himself in with us quite early on). He doesn't like me wearing make up or dressing nicely to go anywhere. My bedroom (still at home) has been taken over by his stuff. He wants to have children and regularly moans about the fact I have a coil. This is stupid because he doesn't have a job and we could never support a child.
In that past two years I've put on a lot of weight and have no self confidence. I'm nothing like I was, I hate how I look and have been drinking every night to cope. I am a huge mess and I blame DP, although I know it is ultimately my own fault.
I am still in contact with the other guy. I always have been. I know this is selfish, but i want to be with him. I want him to be there for me if I ever get the courage to leave 'd'p. I hate myself for what I've done and what a mess I'm in. He (in ldn) is giving mixed messages. One day he loves me, the next he can't and he hates me for what I've done. He wants to be with me, he doesn't. I'm beautiful then I'm a whore and a slut with a 'mashed up cunt from all the disgusting use' (I've only ever slept with dp). He says he is jealous, then he doesn't care.
I feel so lost. I'm frightened of leaving my dp and the one I love not being there for me, although it's what I deserve. I'm frightened of moving DP out - chuck it all on the drive for him to collect? I don't know.
I'm sorry for the long post. I sound such a selfish fucker. I absolutely hate myself but have no idea what to do. Ready for a huge flaming.
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I am a stupid fucking selfish cow.
CouldYouPleaseCallMeCordelia · 04/05/2012 21:02
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