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regretting divorce

(38 Posts)
reluctantmpvdriver Thu 03-May-12 20:07:19

Has anyone out there ever regretted getting a divorce? Struggling with decision to divorce and wanted to share others' experiences.

susiedaisy Thu 03-May-12 20:55:47

Regret? absolutely not, but i feel saddened that his behaviour was so bad that I had no other choice!

bjf1 Thu 03-May-12 21:01:31

Agree completely with susie.
you must have a reason for even contemplating divorce in the first place, so something obviously wrong in the marriage.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 03-May-12 21:02:55

Divorce was no fun at all and was against a lot of what I believed in, but it had to be done. I'm actually rather enjoying not being married these days, and am certainly not in a hurry to share my life with someone else. I don't regret the marriage, though, because my fabulous DCs came from it.

bjf1 Thu 03-May-12 21:03:04

BTW I am on my 2nd divorce, so I am either addicted to wedding cake, or just have a knack of picking complete twonks.

ToothbrushThief Thu 03-May-12 21:12:11

what others have said. I regret bitterly my need to divorce. I believed whole heartedly in sticking at it, keeping a family together etc etc

Do I regret my divorce? No

carlywurly Thu 03-May-12 21:17:31

Ditto what everyone else has said. Regret only the need to do it.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 03-May-12 21:45:54

Yup. ditto.

I regret only that I was in that situation, but I am proud of myself for making the best, and most difficult, decision I've ever had to make.

Mumsyblouse Thu 03-May-12 22:46:28

I think you are possibly in the wrong place to hear about people regretting their divorces, because most people on here are trying to work out if their marriages are saveable and see divorce as the solution, not the start of the problem (as indeed it is for many people). If you have spent ten years agonizing over whether to go through with a divorce, you are more likely to have a million reasons to support your decision, and for many people it is the right one.

In real-life I do know people who have regretted it, my father for one. But once it's done, it's done in their case and everyone has moved on. But if he could have reversed time, I think he would have done.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 03-May-12 23:40:13

I have this theory, probably half-baked, that people who take marriage very, very seriously are least likely to jump into a divorce without being sure it's the right thing to do. It's not a thing to go into lightly and even less to come out of lightly, particularly if you have children. I, for example, and I'm sure the other posters on this thread, did all the agonising first so I don't need to agonise now. I'm so certain now, but at the start of proceedings it was quite scary. Fortunately XH obliged by behaving like a complete dick, thus proving that my decision was correct.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 03-May-12 23:42:27

... dammit, that was a rubbish post, I reviewed it three times and it still doesn't read right. Note to self: never post late at night.

reluctantmpvdriver Fri 04-May-12 09:22:12

Thanks all

How did you get to the point that you were so certain Annie - I feel like I have been agonising over making the break for the last year - but things have been pretty damaged between us a lot longer - maybe the last 3 years and I cannot see a way out. I have got to the point were I cannot think of anything else - it is on my mind every day every minute and I am just so exhausted by it that I feel that the only way to get relief is to divorce. But I have this constant nag that I maybe it's the wrong thing to do - maybe the marriage is saveable and I should try harder. I read somewhere that it is the hardest decision because you always have that nagging feeling that perhaps things could have been different.

frumpet Fri 04-May-12 09:34:41

I am in a very similar posistion , in my heart of hearts i know it is over , but having been in this relationship for 10 years and having children there is a tiny part of me that thinks ' it might get better' , perhaps its just a tough patch , perhaps we should try relate ? I am constantly planning an exit stratergy

Mumsyblouse Fri 04-May-12 09:43:17

Perhaps you are asking the wrong group of people: if you ask people who are divorced I'm sure most took a very long time to come to that decision and won't lightly regret it (there may be a few, but I'm sure most people wonder why it took them so long).

You might be better asking people who are still married: have you ever had points at which you wanted to get divorced, and what stopped you? I certainly have had, I know several people who have had trial separations and stayed together too. I think it is possible to get to a real crisis point (after the 3 year build) up and get past it, but only if something significant changes to stop the divorce momentum, if you see what I mean. In my case, it was caused by my husband getting very depressed and horrible after losing a lot, and was solved by me not kicking him out even though I was very tempted! But the situation has changed, I could not have carried on much longer in desperate unhappiness.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-May-12 09:50:06

If you're in two minds that would suggest going for a separation first. It's a big shock to the system to make a clean break Day 1 but you could do it in stages, work out if life is genuinely better or worse when he's gone, and take it from there. However, there does come a point where you have to... as my friend would put it... piss or get off the pot.

susiedaisy Fri 04-May-12 09:56:53

It is exhausting when you are really unhappy in a marriage it consumes your every thought, it blights every event and emotion that you have and the sadness radiates from you in the end, I wrestled for five years with my unhappiness before I had the strength to finally begin divorce proceedings, it became alot clearer for me to proceed when I realised I didn't love him at all anymore he had been so awful towards me and the kids that it finally killed the last bit of love I had for him and I just knew what I had to do! But like I said it took five years from when I began to think about it, to actually doing it,

SarahBumBarer Fri 04-May-12 10:48:17

I don't have any nagging feelings of doubt several years down the line. However I don't think I realised/accepted that it was the right decision until around 6 months after we split. The first few months were scary even though my marriage was shit and I was in shock at the split despite the marrigage being crap for years. But 6 months down the line I realised how happy and confident I felt and I KNEW that I would never ever have been able to gain that happiness and confidence within the marriage.

Wittsend13 Fri 04-May-12 10:48:33

I regretted my divorce. At the time I didn't, but as time goes on, I do. I know I did the right thing though and he is now very happy with someone else. I wish him all the best. I did have a amicable divorce and we were the best of friends. I do know I was very lucky and we never had kids so that was a bit easier.

I feel better with time now and I hope you do too OP.

mampam Fri 04-May-12 11:34:07

I know a couple who got divorced, the guy got married to someone else, the marriage lasted a couple of weeks and he went back to his exW, they are now remarried and living happily ever after smile

MissFaversham Fri 04-May-12 12:56:29

I had a friend who's H cheated on her. She filed for divorce but backed out at the last minute. He cheated again. Not sure if she filed again after that due to her having to removed herself removing herself from our friendship.

I said you should carry through what you started "divorce him, you can always marry him again if he has a head transplant you want".

rosemarie1 Thu 10-May-12 19:13:22

Please please Reluctant and Frumpet, sort out what is making you unhappy and deal with it. You need to be able to put it behind you or to move on otherwise that constant feeling of not being sure will just sour the relationship. I was in the same position from about year 8 into our relationship and the feeling never went away. Now 17 years later (25 years together in total) he has walked out on me, when I am in the worst position I have been in in our relationship, overseas, a job a dislike, a mortgage I cannot afford, less money than I would have had if I had left 5 years ago when I tried to leave and he begged me to come back. I don't regret the separation, but I do regret my change in circumstances, be careful not to mix up the 2. I do miss going out to dinner on impulse, holidays, having someone to share things with. Right now he is pushing for us to sell the house and I feel like he has screwed up my life entirely. You will be far better off if you take control of the situation yourself, at a time when it best suits you to do so!!

reluctantmpvdriver Fri 11-May-12 08:55:19

Thanks for you advice rosemary - I equally scared of getting a divorce and or regretting it as I am scared of not getting a divorce and then regretting it ! I know that the right time is now from practical point of view. If I wait to long I will really lose out financially so I have to get a move on but I just feel like a rabbit in the headlights - incapable of moving. I am going to tell him today that I want a separation at least and see what happens.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 11-May-12 09:51:32

Sorry mpv, you asked me a question days ago but I lost sight of the thread. (Terrible habit of posting and wandering off, and never use "threads I'm on"!)

I never thought of divorce as an option. I did find, though, after years of him pressing the same buttons, they began to wear out, so that him threatening to emigrate without us, for example, at first had me begging him to stay, look at the positives etc; later on I no longer believed he would, and eventually I was offering to buy his ticket.

I had a bit of an online emotional affair at the last knockin's, something I'm not at all proud of. It didn't go anywhere or last long, but it reminded me how the love of my life should have been treating me (and how little effort it would have taken; the party of the second part only had to throw me a little compliment or show he had been thinking of me/listening to me and I was like a puppy with two tails). XH rang up his sister and told her we were getting a divorce so I could be with this other man, explained how we would organise the finances and joint childcare, perhaps she would like to come over and share a house with him when her own divorce was finalised etc. I listened to this and thought what a great idea (except for the living with the other man thing, that was never part of the plan!) Of course XH never meant a word of it, but once I'd seen the light there was no going back.

For a few months longer I continued to agonise, mainly about how it would work with the DCs. He told them I was leaving them all to go and live overseas with "OM" (who by that time had dropped off the scene) and they were understandably devastated and bewildered. Also he was sort-of the main carer for the youngest so I risked losing residence of my wee babe. However, I realised my mental health was seriously going downhill and that I had to get out soon or be carried out by the emergency services! But the way he manipulated and lied to get the DCs onside eventually confirmed that I was right to be "breaking up the family" as he put it. It wasn't doing the DCs any good being in that atmosphere either.

By the time the house was sold they had all pretty much stopped blaming me, but still felt safer with him because it was what they were used to. Gradually, though, I think they realised who it was who had made the family home habitable, and they began to migrate to mine. These days my house is the home base and XH dips in occasionally to take them out. So it all worked out my way in the end... but it didn't half hurt to start with.

I just look at him (when I don't have a choice) these days and see a strange dried-up shell of a creature who I can't imagine ever having had positive feelings for. I loved that man? Suppose I must have done. It's quite hard to imagine these days. We've been divorced for four years.

PostBellumBugsy Fri 11-May-12 10:18:08

reluctantmpv, I have been divorced for 7 years and 80% of the time I feel glad that I am divorced. Occasionally, when times are tough, I feel a sense of regret - but I still wouldn't want to be back with ex-H.

susiedaisy Fri 11-May-12 12:24:31

Post I know what you mean, I have been divorced for about 6 months although separated for 18 and I have tough days where I think, god I wish I had a dp to lean on, and to share the burden with, but there's no way in hell I wish I was still married to my exH, I know I absolutely did the right thing in divorcing him!

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