Inlaws from Hell

[OliveandJim]

I don't know if it's me being completely unreasonable but I've reached breaking points with the in-laws...DP and I had a faboulus DS last year in April and we've seen his parents once since (just after the birth). DP fell out with his mum about letitng the baby (new born) cry it out (we siad it was a bad idea), tried to apologise immedilately afterwards but she has since refused to speak to him (did not speak to him last November when they met at a funeral). She has then blamed me for the fall out. DP's sister joined into the debackle, I was emailing her as I was very upset and she forwarded all my emails to the mum. By August last year DP's parents deicded not to speak to us anymore.
In December we invited DP's sister to meet us, she has four kids and we wanted DS to see his cousins (my family is in France so he doens't get to see much of them). She mentioend she didn't wish to be in the same room as me, so we let it be. Then in February her 5 year old had to go to hospital so I suggested to come visit with DS to offer support, she never took me up on the offer even though she goes every week to Hospital. We invited them again for DS's birthday and were turned down. She has now accused us of not making the effort to go and see them in Herts.
Sorry, this turns out to be a long post. I want my DS to know his family but I just hate them so much, DP cried after the argument with his parents and I can't get on with his sister who is an absolute hypocrite.
What shall I do, I feel like I'm prohibiting my DS from knowing his family but at the same time they have been odious to us and still refuse to admit it. All I want is an acknowledgement, not even an apology but they can't bring themselves to say hands up we may have hurt and upset you. What should I do?

[LaurieFairyCake]

Is there any chance your SIL let her babies cry it out, she then told her mother who assumed it was the ordinary thing to do - she then repeated it to you, you said it was a 'bad idea'

It then becomes translated into that actually you are criticising your SIL's parenting indirectly.?

If this is not the explanation then drop them. And no six month old needs to see their cousins so don't bother trying to foster a relationship between very young children as it doesn't mean anything yet.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

In answer to your last question I would primarily concentrate on your own family unit and ignore his whole toxic family. They also sound horrible and overreact badly at any perceived slight to their own questionable behaviours. Note too how you've been made to feel its your fault; toxic people never accept any responsibility for their actions nor ever apologise. His mother chose not to speak to her son, you yourself played no part in that.

You will never receive any acknolwdgement of wrongdoing from these people. These unreasonable and dysfunctional people do not play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations so trying to get them to see reason is actually a futile exercise.

Seems that his sister has chosen to take his mother's side over this; this also often happens within such dysfunctional families as well.

You and your man did not make them this way; they have and are actively chosen to behave as they do.

You may want to read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward. It explains the dynamics of such dysfunction pretty well.

[ifeelloved]

Why would you want these people in your child's life?

If friends treated you like this, would you be so keen to keep in touch with them?

I can't stand all this shit about family being so important. When they behave so badly they're not important and you should be relieved that you have nothing to do with them.

Btw,I love ,y family but have really distanced myself from my natural dads family as they don't do me or my family (me, dh and dds) any good, they bring nothing to the table iykwim

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

They do seem to thrive on drama and nastiness, don't they?

Why do you want your DS to have a relationship with these people? Sure, they bear the tags "Grandmother", "Aunt", etc. But their behaviour doesn't match what you presume a "Grandmother" or "Aunt" should be like, does it? Your enabling a relationship between them and your DS won't magically morph them into decent family members: they would still be the same people they are, but directly able to inflict their toxic behaviour on your son.

Also second Attila's rec that you read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward.

[diddl]

I agree-why would you want your child to have contact?

And it isn´t you-it´s them who have huffed & stopped contact.

[OliveandJim]

Thank you all so much for your comments and recommendatons... Will go get a copy of Toxic In-laws.
I just feel guilty as DS adores his childminder's parents. They came to visit for 2 weeks from Romania and he got loads of cuddles and kisses from people with whom he is not even related. They loved playing peekaboo all day long with him and had inifite patience.
I was hoping we could swap, keep them and drop the mean ones! The thing that kills me is that none of them seem able to reason the other ones. DP's father reacted by writing DP off the will and reprimande dhim for apologising via text. His sister is still not capable of admititng her parents could do anything wrong even when confronted to her brother pain. How blind one must be to ignore a sibling's pain or a child's pain for that matter.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

So develop a friendship with your childminder's Romanian family, and/or any other people who you feel are good and loving towards your child, and who are people that you want to have a relationship with.

If your built-in family is inadequate, choose your own family of friends.

The more you describe your in-laws, the more they sound like hopeless drama-llamas.

[diddl]

Yes-he can have "honorary" GPs!

[MilitaryWag]

People like this really piss me off. Refusing to speak to you indeed...... let them get on with it. Make no more contact. They are smug in the fact they CAN treat you like this because they probably believe that because you are family you will put up with it and continue to try and reach out. I will bet my last pound that YOU withdrawing from them will, over time, make them think. Seriously.... what a bunch of absolute nasties. I wouldn't give them the time of day

[ifeelloved]

But he won't have that kind of relationship with his actual grandparents because they are incapable of it. Break free from them now, don't let them do to your children what they have done to their own.

I no longer see my natural father or my mums mum, my girls don't need them in their life and don't miss them, we have a great group of friends who genuinely care for my girls (as do I their children) far better than blood relatives if you ask me

[Anniegetyourgun]

I don't think you need to be too upset for your DS. Lots of children manage without any grandparents for one reason or another. I'm very sorry for your DH, though. These are his own parents who have picked a ridiculous row with him over how to raise HIS baby (taking the harsher side of the CIO debate, I notice), blanked him at a funeral (!) and refused his attempts to apologise. It must be a horrible shock to him even though he presumably knows what they are like. Would you or I ever treat a son like that? I think not.

[StillSquiffy]

You've two choices really:-
1)leave it be and enjoy a less stressful life without them in it.
2)Be the bigger person, prostrate yourself and apologise profusely, telling them that you must have been the unreasonable party, and can they forgive you both for the greater good of the extended family.

It really is as simple as that. Make your choice, move on. Otherwise the stalemate will just continue. We held a wake a couple of weeks ago where one side of the family walked out of the room every time another side walked into the room. It was a mother and son who'd had the original argument, but the extended family had split into a 60-40 kind of support group, and it was pretty awful to watch.

The original argument was quite petty and happened 12 years ago.

[OliveandJim]

Stillsquiffy, I have apologised, wrote a pretty heart-felt letter last July where I admitted that my language to the sister was unacceptable (the emails she forwarded), that I had been blinded by anger etc... But I made a point that it was our choice as parents how we raise our DS and whether or not we leave him to cry. The letter was met with a threat (behave now you won't get another chance) a stab, btw you are unduly concerned and your child has an anus (reference to SIL's 5 year old being born without one) so let him cry and I was summoned to Bucks, which I kindly declined (we're busy now, perhaps later). It was after that they decided not to speak to us any longer.

Annie, I do feel terrible for DP, he still suffers from it and as much as he knows them, he had managed to avoid conflict before hand by pretending to be someone else and mostly avoid his mum's poison, still feels guilty for telling his mother off though, blames himself for the row. He's asked me not to talk to them anymore and not to mention them anymore. I've decided to respect his wish but I can't help feel so upset with these people. This is the biggest life changing event in one's life and they've offered no support, no comfort, no valid advice. Their self righteousness is making me sick.

And it will probably still be like this in 12 years time I'm sure.