Want a relationship with MIL

[nancerama]

DS is 11 months old. MIL has only seen him once and never cuddled him. She remarried just before I married DH and appears to want nothing to do with her "old family". FIL died just before DS was born, so my poor boy has no grandparents on his dad's side.

My mum loves him to bits and sees him twice a week, but I'm so sad for DS that he will never have that relationship with his other grandmother. I am desperately sad for DH too. He puts on a brave face, but I know he misses his mum.

[nancerama]

Sorry, that was a shockingly worded post!

What I'm getting at is that I am sad that MIL isn't overbearing and interfering and would show some bloody interest in her ONLY GRANDSON.

[DontHaveAtv]

I know what you mean. My mum is really the only Grandparent that really bothers with my children. My Dad doesn't and their other grandparents are too far away and just not as interested either.

On the plus side my mum is a brilliant Nan and my kids lover her to bits. As does your mum love your ds. So I feel that my children are lucky to have My mum who is there for them as some people don't have any loving family members at all.

[AThingInYourLife]

Sorry, but this is disingenuous, bitchy bullshit.

What you really wish for is a normal mother in law who wants to see her grandchild.

You don't really wish you had someone in your life who caused problems in your marriage and who was a toxic influence on your child.

No need to belittle the real problems of other people just because you have different problems to deal with.

[fedupofnamechanging]

What ATIYL said. No sane person wants an overbearing and interfering mil, causing damage to their relationship and undermining you with your children.

[nancerama]

AThing for every poster struggling with a toxic MIL, there are several posters griping about little things their MILs do that wind them up.

I'm aware that there is a HUGE difference between being a bit interfering or being abusive, disruptive and toxic.

It was not my intention to offend those whose marriages and family lives are seriously damaged by damaging MILs.

[quoteunquote]

that's a little harsh athinginyourlife,

It's not very nice when someone who is available chooses not to engage with your child,

nancerama, could it be that MiL feels that because she detached from family, she is slightly nervous that she might be overstepping the mark to reengage now? she might just need gentle encouragement.

She might have unaddressed issues from her earlier life, and is confused how to aline them with the new circumstances.

I would keep opening non threatening doors, and making encouraging noises when she does manage to interact, she might be slightly afraid of rejection, so keep going in a gentle way.

[Lambzig]

While I am glad I dont have the toxic parent thing at all, and I dont think you mean you would like that, I do have sympathy with you about the uninvolved PIL.

My PIL dont want anything to do with DD as she was conceived through IVF and they dont approve for religious reasons and say she is not a 'real grandchild' like their grandsons. Breaks DH's heart, but its best to focus on the people in your DSs life that do love him.

[AThingInYourLife]

So your intention was just to offend people who want to have a bit of a bitch on an anonymous forum about their MILs?

It's shit that your MIL has no interest in your son, I can see why you find that sad and hurtful.

Just not why you needed to post by making a dig at other women?

[SpiritOfTheSite]

You can have mine! Also mine would be good because as your dh's new mother she would ring him daily at work if you don't have strict boundaries! Also cry if she doesn't speak to her son for two weeks! And the grandson would be so loved that she would tell you how he was the only thing that made life worth living!

[quoteunquote]

Nurse, Athinginyourlife is out of bed again and needs a chill pill,


if you read nancerma post, she clearly states that it wasn't her intention to offend,

AThing for every poster struggling with a toxic MIL, there are several posters griping about little things their MILs do that wind them up.

I'm aware that there is a HUGE difference between being a bit interfering or being abusive, disruptive and toxic.

It was not my intention to offend those whose marriages and family lives are seriously damaged by damaging MILs.

I suggest you take a careful look at your own posts, and rearrange these words," kettle pot black calling the", to make a handy phrase that might describe the situation.

[nancerama]

Thank you quote. I'm feeling a bit sad today after another invitation to visit has been thrown back at us. I thought it better to grumble in AIBU as I figured the people in relationships have bigger problems than mine. I didn't realise quite how upset I am until now.

[nancerama]

Lambsig I really feel for you. It's amazing how hurtful people can be when hiding behind religion. I hope your little girl realises how special she is and that she has lots of other family members that love her.

[skybluepearl]

My MIL has only seen my one year old once. It's OK though as I just accept it for what it is.

[nancerama]

Spirit - how about we share - we can entertain her on alternate days.

Seriously though, my mother phones every day for an update on DS's progress and tells everyone who listens how he has changed her life and that he's given her something to live for. I am so happy that she loves him so much, and so proud that I was able to bring DS into my world and hers.

Having read your post though, I wonder how I would react to a MIL behaving the same way? I hope it would make me just as happy, but I guess I'll never know.

I hope that one day when I become a MIL I can find the right balance between being supportive and being interfering. I guess it's a minefield.

[Southwest]

Actually I'm with Athing on this, the OP presumably has no idea just how damaging some MIL can be, mine currently has what sounds like even less contact than the OPs MIL does with her grandchildren.

The title just says a MIL that everyone else moans about, and there is no comment about not wishing to offend until AThing pulls her up

SO sorry YABU, I'm offended by your thread and I guess you don't want a MIL 'everyone else moans about' you want one that is a bit fluffy and comes round a bit often etc etc

These are not the MIL 'everyone else moans about'

[thebody]

Nancerama, it must be sad for u but consider this. Everyone in your sons life wants to be and so offers love. If mil is so self absorbed she is better off away from your son.

Gosh don't think op deserved such a grilling

Some mil moans on here are bloody silly and petty.

[Clawdy]

There are lots of really annoying rants about MILs. Try being on your own with no help from mums or MILs and see how you like it! Would have loved a MIL who wanted to help however misguidedly,so long as she loved the DC...which most of them seem to do.Most of the moaning threads are NOT about "toxic" MILs,they are about loving,well-meaning grandmothers. Think yourselves lucky,try struggling alone.

[diddl]

I doubt that your son is missing out tbh, so I wouldn´t feel too sad for him.

[EldritchCleavage]

Really bad thread title, but I do sympathise.

MIL (poor mother, much better grandmother) died 2 years ago and FIL now doesn't bother with DH or the DC much. He's never met DD and can't remember her name, despite reminders. He's a bit better with DS, because when DS was born MIL was still alive to get him involved in it all.

All he really cares about is a DH reconciliation with SIL so SIL can play at being mummy with our children(yes, I know that sounds nasty, but trust me there is a history here). If that happens, he'll soon be along to take an interest.

While deep down I don't care, because I realise any relationship DC had with FIL would be shallow and very conditional, I hate seeing DH's upset that his father doesn't care. That does get to me.

[SpiritOfTheSite]

I only wish we could

For your child, it's probably harder at the little stage with romantic ideas of grandparents. By the time I was born all my grandads had died and one grandmother already had great grandchildren older. So basically there was "just" my Nana, she was more than enough! Loved her to bits.

Your poor DH though.

[diddl]

What does your husband do about his own relationship with his mum, OP?

It´s him I would be more concerned with.

What your son doesn´t have he won´t miss.

But my ILs not bothering with our children was the last straw.

He realised that they had been shit parents, expected too much/lived their lives through him...

[nancerama]

Fair point Eldreth. I will try to get the title changed.

I posted in anger this morning, after another brush off by MIL, and her failure to recognise her own grandson in a photograph , which is never a good thing.

The truth is that I feel a pang of jealousy when I hear others moaning about their MILs giving a 10 month old cake, or buying them extravagant gifts.

I guess we have to make the best of what we have, and I should be grateful for what I have (or don't have).

I am heartbroken for DH who I know misses his mum, and worried for the future when DS starts asking why he only spends time with one grandmother.

I do apologise to anyone who I may have offended with my clumsy angry rant.

[FuckedOfftotheFarSideofFuck]

nancerama - I know how you feel - I kind of have the worse of both worlds. An MIL who has been rude and unpleasant to me in the past but who also doesn't make the effort to see her son's beautiful children. (even worse - she does make the effort to see her daughter's children)

My poor DH has tried most angles to get his parents more involved but they, it would seem, just can't be arsed.

I would agree that for your DC, what he doesn't know, he won't miss but it is so hurtful for your DH.
MY DH has taken various tactics - including telling them directly that he would like them to be more involved but to no avail.
Has your DH spoken to his mum about it? Does MIL show interest in the kids when there is contact? I ask 'cause my PIL do seem delighted to see the kids (over SKype as they are far away) when we make the effort but just don't seem bothered to make the effort themselves. I reckon our best tactic would be to stop making the effort so that they will miss the DCs and start making the effort so just wondered if that might work for you.

[OliviaLMumsnet]

Hello
We have moved this thread out of AIBU into Relationships
THanks
M Towers

[nancerama]

TBH, I think DH and MIL need their heads knocking together. He doesn't contact her at all because he thinks if he does, she will reject him. Perhaps she feels the same way? I'd like to help, but don't want to be the interfering DIL.

I suspect that she is being controlled in some way by her new husband - she apparently spends a lot of time with his kids and grandkids. I can't believe that she is a bad person - she raised DH after all who is the most wonderful kind, caring, thoughtful father and husband.