I want a baby, he doesn't. What to do?

[incompletefamily]

DH and I have both been married before and both have DC from those marriages. He was devastated when his ex left him and took the DC and for that reason it took him a long time to commit to our relationship at all, let alone have the DC we have together, who is under a year old. Prior to having our DC, we lost a baby at late term, which was obviously very hard for both of us, but DH is the type of person who doesn't talk about thing and doesn't talk about his feelings much.

So, I would like another DC and DH says he does not. He has known since I was pregnant with our DC that I wanted another baby afterwards, preferably as close as possible but we never really discussed it. He point blank refuses to discuss the issue which I find both infuriating and upsetting.

Neither of us are getting any younger and I have had pregnancy complications which are only going to get worse with age. Plus, my own Mum went through early menopause, which means I may do too and may not mean that many years left to concieve, so I do feel a bit of pressure not to wait. I would also like to eventually be able to follow a new career path which would mean starting my career late (I cannot do this now due to DH's job) and I do not want to have a career break later on to have another DC then even if I can.

I can't help but feel DH is being a bit selfish. I also think his refusal to have another child are mainly based on the risk of another loss, which is not likely with medication I am on in pregnancy. I gave up my own business and moved away from my family when we got married so he could follow his chosen career. I constantly make compromises to enable him to follow his career and do his job, but I can't remember one single compromise he has made.

i just don't know what to do from here. Counselling isn't really an option as we have no childcare on a regular basis. (due to his job!!!!)

[PooPooInMyToes]

I was going to say that if you have a child together and also children from your previous marriages then perhaps just leave it at that. I don't know how many children that is but it must be quite a busy life you are all living. So i could understand if he didn't want to add another one into it.

But then i read that he has never made a single compromise during your relationship! That's worrying!

[Mumsyblouse]

I don't think not wanting another child is selfish really, you can't help how you feel. Perhaps he feels his family is complete (you say you both have DC's plus this little one, the minimum you can already have in your family is three). I don't think moving for a career is like having another child, in the emotional sense or that you should 'give' a person a child if you don't want one.

Sorry, I just think the person who doesn't want one trumps the other (in our house, that's me). It also sounds like you are both still grieving for your lost little one and that may be feeding into everyone's judgements, not just his.

[FluffyJawsOfDoom]

I think it's very soon after the birth of your DC, and the only option (other than divorce) is to let it go and tackle the subject in another year - but be prepared for him not to budge (which isn't selfish, imho)

[incompletefamily]

He has said he feels like our DD is his 'special little princess' and 'so perfect there's no need for another' etc etc. That is the most he has discussed it though.

For whatever reason, I just feel I can't leave it alone and that if I don't have another DC I will regret it and feel resentment for the rest of my life. I also think there are wider issues in that I feel that what is important to him always comes first.

The urge to have another child is so strong for me that I think if it weren't for the upset and distress it would cause my DC and our DD, then yes, I would leave the marriage, even though I realise that would probably never mean another DC, because I don't think the resentment or anger I feel will ever go.

[PooPooInMyToes]

I think separate to this issue you need to be more assertive and make sure your needs are considered. If he refuses or you find that he is incapable then you will probably end up leaving him anyway. People only treat you how you let them.

As for the baby thing, i think you need proper sit down discussion about it. Have you tried?

[incompletefamily]

Yes, I have tried. He is unable to discuss things. I think maybe as his whole family have this sort of strange attitude that you don't talk about things or show emotion. (His Mum first told him she loved him only a few years ago at age 35)

If I try to discuss he literally just doesn't speak, so I then feel like I am just speaking at him. if I ask him why he doesn't want another baby he just says he can't answer that.

However, all that said, we are not using contraception currently, except the withdrawal method, which obviously we both know isn't necessarily very reliable. I asked him what if I got pregnant and he just says 'well, it would be done then'. So I don't feel he can be completely against it and because of what he is like in general I wonder if he is just too scared to commit to actually TTC.

[PooPooInMyToes]

How exhausting! Have you pointed out his inability to communicate?

[crestico]

i think it's better for him to know what he does/doesn't want, and be vocal about it - even if he's not open to discussion - so at least you know where he stands. it's terrible to be pressured into anything, and sometimes you can't help (nor change) people's feelings about these kind of things.

what you do with that information is up to you, but for now - you know what the answer is... maybe you should take a step back, take a little time out, and figure out if it's something you need, and what might be the reasons behind him saying no, and showing him that you have solutions or ideas around those?

Good luck, don't do anything hasty though

[Lueji]

I think that in a relationship, you can't force people to want children.

You either accept it or leave.

It can be just as selfish to want children as not wanting them. You'd be imposing a child on your partner.

He doesn't want a child (at least for now) and maybe even he doesn't know why exactly, so it may not be fruitful to discuss it, if all the discussion is you arguing for a child.
If you are open to the possibility of not having more children he may actually be able to open up and talk to you.
Maybe you could make your own list of pros and cons and him makes his, or you both discuss your list?


And, is he really aware that the withdrawal method (a child of the devil) is unreliable?

(PS - if you to use an observation method, you will be able to have proper unprotected - and safe - sexual intercourse for about 1.5 weeks before periods.You just have to be able to identify when ovulation occurs.)

[Aribura]

How the hell is he being selfish? Because he won't disregard his own feelings because you want something?

[Mumsyblouse]

I'm sorry but when you said I'd rather leave and start a family with a third person than try to work it out with him, I kind of lost my sympathy (and started to feel quite a lot for your children). It is you with the rather inflexible life plan, not him I think. But if you are using the withdrawal method, it may be that he's not as set in his opposition as you think. I think the person who suggested leaving it for six months/a year and revisiting it is spot on, he may just feel it's too soon or it may be he really really doesn't want another child.

[Mumsyblouse]

I've re-read it and see you didn't actually say that, more that you'd leave the marriage over this if it wasn't for the distress it would cause the children. It just seems such a shame as you have just had one gorgeous child together not to be able to enjoy this time. I also think that if you are wanting more control over your joint life together, perhaps try to think of other areas this could happen in (like him supporting your career right now, or holidaying where you want or whatever), as this is really a separate issue from wanting another child (which isn't really a 'who gets their own way' type of a decision as both parents should want a child).

[incompletefamily]

It's not really him not wanting another child that I think is selfish, it's more his complete refusal to even discuss it. (or anything else actually)

Earlier today he said we would discuss it tonight. By the time he got home we had the DC to sort out etc and then I had some work for a course I am doing that had to be finished tonight. Then, of course, when I was able to talk to him, he said it was too late and got angry just because I mentioned it. Maybe it was too late, but there is always an excuse not to talk.

I now feel like I am 'going on' at him and I don't want to feel like that. I just want to discuss it with him FFS, is that so unreasonable?! It's not like we've discussed it, he still feels the same and I still keep wanting to talk about it. I just want to dicuss it once.

I am so upset,worn out and frustrated by his attitude to all this, and in general I suppose.

[Lueji]

How do you know he doesn't want another child, then? And that he doesn't know why?

[NoWayNoHow]

OP, if you already have children, then it's perfectly understandable that your DH might not want to have any more.

If my DH was constantly pressuring me to have more children when I didn't want to, I'd be frustrated and touchy too.

You cannot make someone want something they don't want. If this really is such an issue for you, then your only option is to leave the marriage.

Personally, I think that would be a terrible mistake. Kids are born, grow up, and leave the nest. What you have left afterwards is your relationship with the person who you committed yourself to before you even had kids.

[incompletefamily]

Lueji, because the sum total of any mention of it has been met with the fact he doesn't want another child and he doesn't know why. end of as far as he is concerned.

Noway, far from constantly pressuring him I am nervous of even mentioning it as it is met with hostility from him.

Surely it is not unreasonable to expect a full and honest discussion about something so important and not simply 'I don't want another one and I don't know why and that's it' especially when coupled with the fact that he is happy to use no proper contraception (and yes, he is aware it may fail) and for him to say if I got pregnant 'it would be done then' in that he would just accept it and get on with it, so the thought can't be that abhorrent to him, surely?

[Lueji]

Are you sure "it would be done" doesn't mean abortion?

[MrsHoarder]

If you managed to talk him into a first DC together when he was against that, then clearly he is (or was) willing to compromise. I can see why he wouldn't want to discuss more children if he feels he has already compromised on this: the only thing discussion will get him is pushed further towards having another child.

[crestico]

my friend recently 'tricked' her husband into getting pregnant a third time. i say tricked, because she wanted one, she knew he didn't, but they continued to have unprotected anyway. (yeah it's his own stupid fault, but i don't know the ins and outs of their relationship so I don't want to comment on that)

baby is here now, they are both absolutely miserable. i feel really bad for the family as a whole and it looks like they're very close to heading towards the big D

[incompletefamily]

Luiji, there is absolutely no way that either of us would want an abortion under any circumstances. I know that catagorically.

MrsHoarder. I didn't talk him round at all the first time. He made it clear he didn't want another child, at the time he said he was scared I would leave him and take him/her away (like his ex wife did) and that was it pretty much. Then he went through a very traumatic event (work related, someone killed) and said we should just go for it as life was too short. He brought it up after several years of me not even mentioning it. He absolutely adores our DD, but he does still think I will leave him and take her away.

Crestco, I hardly think it's 'tricking' if the other person is well aware contraception isn't being used. In our case, due to health issues, it would be easier to condoms anyway. Plus, I have had several months where I have done pregnancy tests as I wasn't sure (obviously negative) and he knew about that, so he is well aware that I may get pregnant this way.

[incompletefamily]

Just to add, when he didn't want a baby before we had any DC together he was insistent on using condoms, even during a period of time where I was on the pill, which I can no longer take.

[Lueji]

Ok, surely you talk at some point during the day?

How do you approach him?

I wouldn't make it a big deal about going to have a talk about having another child.

Often, men don't like heart to heart talks and if there's a build up to it, he could easily do everything to avoid it.

Having proper talks is our way. With him it might work better to talk about it when doing other things.
A casual chat when driving, cooking, even watching tv. Preferably not looking directly at him, and side by side.

You could start by discussing contraception methods, for example. You can remind him that the withdrawal method is notably unreliable. Suggest other method?
And say, I'd be happy if we had an accident? Do you think you would hate it if I fell pregnant again?
You could mention some of the cons and see how he reacts to them.
And so on.


Does your ex see his DC, btw?

[incompletefamily]

Thanks. That makes sense, although I think I'll avoid it for a while after trying to discuss last night.

And yes, my ex sees our children together, things are very amicable between us. The divorce was very amicable, we decided on a 50/50 split of everything.

[Lueji]

That should show your OH that you won't "leave with the children". :)

[Mumsyblouse]

I agree that having 'the talk' may be too much.

Sometimes, making decisions over these things is more what you do together over time, and it shifts, rather than one big decision.

He may be saying: right now I don't feel I want another child. I have a one year old daughter and am wrapped up in her and simply don't feel the need to add to our already quite large family.

But, he may not want to rule it out for ever and ever, and by pushing him into a decision, you may be putting his back against the wall.

I would feel pretty sorry if my husband saw me primarily as a vehicle for having another child and that there would be no real reason to stay if I didn't give him one (and he would like another child). I really really do wonder if you need to work on strenghtening your relationship, the fact that it seems to be something you would sacrifice to get another child must be worrying him. I think he may feel you want another child more than you want him (and perhaps you do) but I couldn't live with that, my husband wants to be with me and our marriage has to be the priority, deciding on children (now we already have some) has to come second.