Ex has left us again..finding it hard to let go :(

[MissyB12]

Hi all,new to mumsnet so please be gentle!

Heres my story,my ex of 10 years left us,4 years ago.I've never been able to shake him off,childhood sweethearts,my first love,first child together etc..
Anyway,around christmas time,i told him how i was feeling,that i still loved him,always had,and would love for us all to try again.I had been picking up on signs from him too,calling for nothing in particular,things he said,the way he was looking at me,little things like that.I know he had a gf,but he had always said he wasnt that happy with her.Maybe i should of kept my mouth shut,but it had been eating away at me for years,and felt i needed to tell him.
He started coming round a bit more,for a cuppa and for some tea...he was spending little more time with our son so felt that was good too.We had a good chat,said he felt the same.After a good few weeks,he had left her and was slowly seeing us more as a family.Everything was great,until he started missing his old 'carefree' life as he put it,he missed going out at weekends and having a good session with her and their mutual mates.
One day our son was just being a tipical 7 year old,you know a bit loud and bouncing around.He said then,i can't handle all this noise!! I said ,welcome to family life!! She has a 12 year old boy so he pleases himself i suppose,as they do at that age.
Anyway,i'm just totally gutted that hes left us again,feels really hard the second time round.Our son was only young when he left before so he cant remember it,which is good.He has asked why dad is not coming round like he did,at the moment i've just said hes really busy.He accepts that,and i suppose its because we were taking it all real slow anyway for our sons sake,as didn't want to confuse him.Which im so thankful for now.

I just don't understand how he can be so selfish on his reasons for not wanted to be with us again.
He said he does want the family life but he can't let go of his old life either.He knows as well as i do he can't have them both!

Has anyone else had this happen to them? Any advice on moving on would be helpful.Obviously though hes my sons dad so need to still have contact.

Thanks for reading.

[Proudnscary]

How awful for you and your son, I'm so sorry.

He is a staggeringly selfish man, seriously breathtakingly selfish. It might help to focus on that and get bloody angry! How dare he do this to you and your ds.

I have a seven year old. She is well old enough to understand and talk about emotional matters. Obviously you don't need to go into great detail but I think it's so important you give him every opportunity to talk about his feelings and he might well be much more aware of things than you think. It's admirable that you were taking things slow and being cautious as you were rightly trying to protect him but dc do notice more than we think.

If he asks direct questions, I'd give him direct answers - no more or less than he's asking or can process at his age.

[oldwomaninashoe]

His reasons for going a second time sound a bit odd to me.

Surely you let him go out for drinks with his mates etc. Sounds like he is hankering after the gf.
Were you together from being teenagers? Surely he still doesn't feel he missed out on having a wild fun time, if you got together whilst young, as you have been apart for sufficient length of time for him to have got a lot of wanting to be footloose and fancy free out of his system.
TBH, I think there is something he is not telling you.
Well done you for taking the recociliation gently, in the circumstances it was the correct thing to do from the point of view of your DS

[sternface]

Did he leave you 4 years ago for his girlfriend, or at least do you have suspicions that this was the case?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Any advice on moving on would be helpful"

It has to be a deliberate and conscious effort. If your life is empty, you ned to fill it or you'll keep wallowing in nostalgia, harking back to the old days. So get the diary out, start building up your social life and keeping yourself busy. Contact with Mr I Can't Cope has to be maintained, obviously, but you have to promise yourself to keep it strictly businesslike and functional... no more popping round for cosy chats. Stop trying to understand his motives. He's not your friend.

[ShirtyKnot]

Hello OP.

I have had this happen to me too and it has been pretty devastating! My son's were very much affected by this second split and this was exacerbated by my X just stopping pretty much all contact.

I am 18 months on and just coming out of it now if I'm honest. My DS's are seeing their dad on a semi regular basis and I am making peace with everything. It has been hard though - I think I was in a fog for the first year!

You will get over it, but I think a good part of that is definitely allowing yourself to grieve and to get it into your head that this man is damaging to YOU. That feeling of "First true love" and "love of my life" which is how I've always seen/talked about my X is a load of SHITE, romantic bollocks which kept me in a semi abusive relationship with a selfish wanker.

I'm not in love with him, I have an unhealthy reliance on him in some way but I have broken this by taking some steps to ensure that I can't get sucked into his shit anymore. Starting with deleting his number from my phone to prevent me texting or calling him. He is the one who has left, it's up to him to get in touch to facilitate contact with his child. (I know some people will disagree with this, but I think in the short term it is helpful)

[MissyB12]

We were together 10 years from the age of 16,we used to go for drinks etc yeah..No he didnt leave me for her,they got together 6 months after though.
He admits life with her is not stressful...they kick back and relax after an evening,then live for the weekends... lifes not like that here,i don't sit down until gone 8! and my weekends are getting DS sorted for when i have to get to work on a saturday,sundays are nice days though,but again he would rather be in a pub somewhere more than having a nice family day out like i would want to do!
He admits hes selfish,and hes thinking about what life would be easyier for him...
i know that makes me seem like a complete mug,and im trying to let go,honestly i am :(

[ShirtyKnot]

SO are you 26?

[MissyB12]

No im 30,we have been split 4 years.

[ShirtyKnot]

Righty-o, not that it makes any difference BUT just think - 30 is no age! Your thirties are a BRILLIANT time for making changes - You've got loads of time to meet someone NICE who will love you and be KIND and WANT to spend time with you...

Don't waste another moment on him. I'm 39 and GUTTED that I dreamed away my thirties on a man who was BAD for me.

Hopefully you'll start feeling angry soon - he really is treating you very shabbily you know?

[MissyB12]

I understand what you are saying.And i will take your advice on board,it all helps me think what am i doing?

I guess i'm just clinging onto hope that he will want to be with us and do all those nice things again,as once upon a time he did!
Its hard as 4 years ago i never wanted him to leave,we had just got our first place together,shared ownership,that was a struggle,still is esp being on my own.We had a small child together,we were young.I know thats all normal,but to him the grass was greener.And off he went..

I honestly didn't go into this thinking he would leave again...not after the long talks we had and stuff.

I havent no social life,money being a big problem with that! Plus all friends are paired up and really dont want to go out anymore,and even if we do and a man comes to chat,they look at them like they are aliens!! I've no chance!

Also before any of this my son didn't want to go to their house anymore,said he doesnt like her and he was always bored.I know its normal for kids to say that,but i didnt make him,so that was my social life out the window...
I don't want to end up regretting the years ive wasted,but don't know where to start.

[ShirtyKnot]

Aw, listen, I know it's horrible and hard...Dear God, how I know - and sometimes my brain slips up and I'll think "What if...?" and then I think "What if? The answer to what if is that he would get bored again and he'd be off, each time chipping a little bit more away from my childrens' self esteem, stability and happiness".

The best indicator for future behaviour is past behaviour (I think Dr.Phil said that) and it's SO SO true. People rarely change really, and very selfish people? Hmph! I'm yet to see it TBH.

Try not to worry too much about meeting someone - I'm only now slightly considering starting internet dating, and as I say it's been 18 months for me! I doubt I'll really start getting out there until after summer.

What do YOU like? Is there a hobby you like? Something you were interested in when you were younger? This sounds so trite, but I took up my weird sewing habit, and baking when X and I broke up. It filled the evenings and gave my brain something to concentrate on.

Oh, and the place you start is by being VERY kind to yourself for a few weeks (in fact forever!) and allow yourself the time to feel sad and shit and angry. Don't push those feelings away, and just confort yourself with the thought that you CAN move on from him and you will. You just need to work at it.

[MissyB12]

I started internet dating a year after he left before..really got myself out there and had a good few dates..most awful though and rather strange men to say the least ;) i totally lost all faith in internet dating,most of them lying in one way or another to get me out on a date,most wanting more that night...er no!!!

I enjoy the gym,makes me feel good.Did join last summer but got too expensive.No good at cooking or anything like that! Will have to get my thinking cap on.

Thanks for your advice,i will def be popping onto this thread when feeling low,to read your wise words and hopefully keep sane.
I know i must do this for mine and DS sake... its going to be so hard seeing him still though.
Evenings are the worse when i know hes back there,picking up where they left off..oh dear here i go again :(

[ShirtyKnot]

The gym is expensive! I love the gym too, and am lucky enough to be able to afford it at the moment but I have become strangely addicted to running! Which is FREEEE! Hooray!

Do you like running? I always hated it and even hated the thought of it, but I started doing the NHS Couch to 5 K programme (currently stuck on fecking week 5) and I go out most days for a run. It's a terrific depression/stress buster! You never know you could get really into it and then join a running club and make a whole raft of new friends.

Have you spoken to RL friends about how you're REALLY feeling? I tend to cover up my stuff and don't often reach out for help, but whenever I have my friends have always been brilliantly supportive and taken me out to get drunk for meals and dancing.

You should feel sorry for his girlfriend. What a booby prize he is, a manchild going nowhere and SHE'S stuck with him - you can be free from him.

[MissyB12]

Cor i wish i could feel like that.In the 4 years we split for,i only ever still wanted him because i love him.And she knows that which is worse!

I've only ever liked running on a trendmill,even then i'm rubbish at that.Hmm...might just take a look at that program though.

Yes i talk to friends from time to time,but i'm pretty sure they are sick of hearing it all now,and hearing me blubber down the phone.They tell me he's not worth my tears etc...i just don't see how i'm going to ever shake my feelings for this man off.Where are all the nice ones hey?!

[ShirtyKnot]

But loving him is BAD for you...

You have to train yourself to believe this - so everytime you think "Oh, I love him" you then have to immediately hit yourself hard think "but it's bad for me" and not like smoking or drinking or eating badly is bad for you - but like deciding to poke yourself in the eye every morning with a pin is bad for you.

DYKWIM?

Also - look, this is how far you can be in 18 months. Yesterday I was taking my DS (who is nearly 15) to the local yoof club in my car with his mate. The pair of them were in the back seat messing about. I started down a road which had cars parked on both sides and very little room to manoeuvre and the sun was shining right in my face. So I was following the car in front who tucked into a free space on the left and there was a van coming in the other direction - youy know when you can tell that the person isn't going to back down and is just a dick? Well, I felt that so started reversing to get to a passing place, and when I looked back the van driver WAS MY WANKER EX! . He was shouting something (probably abusive) and waving around a pack of fags and LAUGHING all at the same time. I just let him pass, drove onto the yoof club, dropped the boys off and thought no more about it.

He's, literally, a stranger to me, and that felt really good! (Apart from the Grrr that I reversed for him - Tsk!)

[MissyB12]

I just cant see myself feeling that way about him,if after 4 years i still loved him,how will this time be any different?
Its so good to see you have that strengh though,give me some please! And yes shame you have him space wink.

Oh i just hope somehow i feel like you do...sooner rather than later.
I just had to speak to one of his mates down the school,talk about awkward.He didn't know he had left again,he was telling him he should of never left us in the first place all those years ago.Think he was embarressed for me actually.

[ShirtyKnot]

Well I've "loved" my ex since I was 23 so that's 15 years, five of which we were not together!

You can't wish the work part of it away though, but it will come. Promise. Do you want to waste the rest of your life on him? Wouldn't you like to have more children? Be settled and content? He won't give that to you - he can't.

I had to deal with all my ex's family ringing me and consoling me on his shit behaviour, and people in the street doing jaw drops when I told them he's effed off again. It's HIM that looks like the cock - not you.

[MissyB12]

Hehe...you just made me chuckle then,when you called him a cock! First time i laughed today,thanks :)

Thats what hurts though,i think if he grew up abit,and realised that at 31,theres more to life than getting drunk at weekends,then he can give me all that and more.
Guess its just the life of Riley hes had the past 4 years and he enjoys it,and doesnt want to give that up,i for the life of me cant see why not,its not like i wont let him have a few pints with his mates!!

Hes got nobody to talk to about all this,he has his mates but they like doing it too so they dont understand.

[AnyFucker]

shirty is giving you fabulous advice here, so I don't have much more to add

however, this bloke sounds like a man-child who will never grow up

try to stop hankering after the man you think he should be

he isn't that man

2 chances are more than enough...he is always going to be a "taker" and not a "giver"

don't give him a third...for your sake, and for your dc's

[MissyB12]

Yes i know Shirty is,and believe me i'm taking it all on board and trying to use the advice to make me see sense.

Your right though,maybe im trying to see him for the man hes NOT,but the man i want him to be...i just know its there though as ive seen it before.

I spoke to him today on the phone and he says its so hard to make a decision,he wants the family life,but he can't cut that other side of his life out at the moment either.So guessing i'm in a no win situation anyway.

He even said he never thought he would ever get this chance back again,and now he has hes abusing it.Cannot work him out.

[AnyFucker]

let him go

don't try to work him out

he wants his cake and eat it too...the cosy home fires burning, his clothes washed, meals cooked, cock sucked and the Party Boy lifestyle too whenever he feels like it

he cannot have both unless you roll over and let him

you don't sound like a mug, so don't be one

[MissyB12]

Tearful day today :(
Hope you don't mind me popping back on and having a moan.
Just keep thinking about a future without him and it hurts like mad.I was over the moon when we sorted things again,couldnt believe how happy me and DS felt,now look at me.A tearful wreck who doesnt feel good enough for anybody.I know i should stop feeling sorry for myself,because i have to be strong for our son,just find it hard at the moment.
If i felt i could let him go i would.It worries me because i couldnt let him go before,and lived 4 years like it.I let him get on with his life,of course i did,but was always thinking about him,putting on a smile whenever i saw him etc...Whats going to be any different this time?
Maybe i need to just get a grip and sort it out..does'nt stop your feeling though does it.

Thanks for all your replies,means alot x

[ShirtyKnot]

Hey AF, love.

Missy - WHy would anyone mind you coming onto your own thread when you're feeling so miserable? (You're new to MN is that right? We don't do cuddles and hugs we totally do very much, hence the "stealth" )

It's completely natural to feel horrible and to cry and be upset, it would be weird if you didn't. This was what I was talking about yesterday - be KIND to yourself...so today will be a crying day - so what? Your son is at school, I presume, so won't be distressed (and anyway, I don't think it's a dreadful, awful thing for children to see their parent's crying now and again - as long as you explain that you're feeling sad and it's nothing that he has done and sometimes people cry to get the sad feelings out, he'll cope, honestly.)

You are allowed to wallow a bit you know? So have a good cry, run a lovely hot bath and get in and cry in there too if you want to. There's only so many tears you can do, so maybe after that bath, have a cup of tea and a CAKE or something and then have a nap. You can then get up and cry a bit more if you need to and then some lunch.

When I'm sad, especially when I've had a shock, my mind tends to go racing forward - onwards and onwards. I remember worrying terribly about DS going to university in the weeks following my break up. He was 13.5 FFS. A very good friend told me that I need to stop - it's just panic/adrenaline and if you can recognise it for what it is, you can overcome it. So when you start thinking "Oh god the future, alone and without him forever!" then you must counter that with the thought "Let's just get through today".

It does help.

You'll be OK.

[MissyB12]

Yes new to MN,a friend suggested it to me,then i found this topic.

It doesnt help being stuck in this place,it was our first place we got together as a family,then he left and im still stuck and really struggling.Its a shared ownership property,and theres just noway out.I've been to seek legal advice,CAB,they all said i'm in a sticky situation as far as housing is concerned.As far as the local council go,well they were a joke.Just feel if i moved it would be a totally fresh start and might help.

If only it was easy hey..

[ShirtyKnot]

Are you working Missy?

Have you put yourself on the council waiting list? I know it seems ridiculous when the lists are so long, but you might as well get on there anyway.

We have a fab section called Legal Matters and another called Money Matters there are loads of really knowledgeable people who might be able to steer you in a different direction WRT to your housing situation. You will need to start a new thread outlining what?s going on. I?m hopeless unforch at all that!