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Married and Swinging

(166 Posts)
Squigsmum Fri 27-Apr-12 13:40:22

Hi there,

Im a (fairly) regular mumsnetter but have named changed for obvious reasons

My post is more of a way of getting some thoughts straight in my head and seeing what others think rather than actually asking for advice.

A bit of background . . .

I am a single working mum of 4 children and for the past 3 years I have been enjoying the swinging scene. I have met some really lovely people, some of whom are now friends and explored a side of life that I never dreamed possible.

18 months ago I met my partner on a swinging site and life is good smile

I am extremely careful about keeping this side of my life very private and not even our close friends know. I am in no way embarrassed about it, I feel it is a lifestyle choice, we aren't harming anyone and we practice safe sex always, it's more that I wouldn't want my children to find out plus I have a high profile job.

Both my partner and I feel very strongly about only meeting or 'playing' with people who are either single or who's partners are aware and agree with what they are doing.
There are many married men (and some woman) on the sites we use who are there without their partners knowledge, I don't have a huge problem with this but it saddens me and would rather not be a part of it.

In the past few months we have been AMAZED at how many married men are playing away using this site. They are on cam in the day in their offices shock
at home in their marital beds when their wives think they are at work or off sick and parked up in their cars in their dinner hour on cam on their laptops.

I have been messaged by five men who admitted they were playing away this week alone, the first who is a regular user of a swingers club told me he can use the club whenever he likes as his wife bought him gym membership so she thinks he is there! Another guy who's partner thinks he visits his local pub with a pal who is also out cheating and one who works late two days each week so that he can have time for his double life (this guy owns his own business and actually states on the business website that he has late night opening twice a week to back up his deceit)

Am I being naive in thinking that their wives and partners have absolutely no idea what these guys are up to?
Do they know but can't face confronting them?

I've posted this after helping my neighbour with some DIY this morning and listened to her telling me about her new home her and her partner had just moved into. She explained how happy they were and how he doted on her and her children. she discribed him as her 'lifesaver' after a recent health scare etc etc. I could barely look her in the eye for fear of bursting into tears at the fact that I know him as a regular on the scene who brags openly about how easy it is to deceive her sad

What do you all think?

worldgonecrazy Fri 27-Apr-12 13:45:31

I think that in all walks of life there are people who act selfishly. The scene you are in are just a lot more open about it.

I know plenty of men who are having sex with people other than their wives.

It happens everywhere, it's just more blatant in your situation.

Squigsmum Fri 27-Apr-12 13:47:39

Hmm I suppose so. I hadn't really thought about it like that.

I'm so glad i am not looking for a traditional relationship, it must be a minefield sad

MaisyMooCow Fri 27-Apr-12 13:49:12

I know plenty of men who are having sex with people other than their wives.

Me too. There are a lot of liars and naive wives out there. But, maybe some know and turn a blind eye.

Squigsmum Fri 27-Apr-12 13:53:51

But worldgonecrazy and MaisyMooCow how do you know its not your man?

This has really messed with my head today

ImperialBlether Fri 27-Apr-12 14:00:53

So you do all this via a website yet your neighbour's husband is a popular guy in the scene? So you know he is and therefore he'd know you are?

Lueji Fri 27-Apr-12 14:11:01

Excuse my naivety, but how are singles and married cheating men swingers?

def: a person who swaps sexual partners in a group, esp habitually

TooEasilyTempted Fri 27-Apr-12 14:26:57

They're not swingers, they're just cheaters using the swinging scene to facilitate their cheating.

Bluesue26 Fri 27-Apr-12 14:32:59

I am extremely careful about keeping this side of my life very private and not even our close friends know

Well your neighbour knows doesn't he? My guess is this won't stay private for much longer.

LisaD1 Fri 27-Apr-12 14:36:25

I think that what happens in others marriage is none of your business, same as what goes on in yours (which I personally could never be involved in- personal choice) is none of theirs, why do you care what someone elses husband is up to? He didn't make vows to you.

Ratata Fri 27-Apr-12 14:42:02

As much as there are plenty of cheaters out there, there are also plenty of people who don't cheat. It's a sad thing when people choose to cheat but the dynamics of marriage are different depending on the people. My husband is working late just now but I know he ain't cheating smile

MaisyMooCow Fri 27-Apr-12 14:42:53

Squigsmum Not my man because I'm currently single. grin

Proudnscary Fri 27-Apr-12 14:47:28

What is it you are really asking or wanting to know?

Your secret is not under wraps because your next door neighbour knows you swing! And plenty of others.

And like others have said, these men aren't swingers, they are cheats.

MaisyMooCow Fri 27-Apr-12 14:50:08

So do you 'swing' with the married men too?

MaisyMooCow Fri 27-Apr-12 14:50:34

By that I mean the married men who are there behind their wives back?

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans Fri 27-Apr-12 14:51:54

You only know tgese men are cheating because they have been so open about it, there will be plenty who say their partners are happy for them to do it when then have no idea.

BIWIWhoMustBeObeyed Fri 27-Apr-12 14:53:04

I'm amazed you're amazed, given that you claim to be a swinger hmm

kittycatwoman Fri 27-Apr-12 15:05:40

Sorry this looks like a stealth boast thread from OP than actually genuinely asking for advice.

Malificence Fri 27-Apr-12 15:05:44

Is this another " your man is probably shagging around behind your back and you're a naive fool if you think he isn't " post hmm
Makes a change from prostitute threads in the same vein.

Every person who involves themself in "swinging" knows that they are potentially having sex with someone who is cheating on their partner. It's infidelity even if your partner knows and approves.

izzyizin Fri 27-Apr-12 15:09:41

You may have the certainty of knowing that your partner is dick led but, unless they're under surveillance 24/7 and fitted with tracking/transmitting/recording devices, none of us can know for sure what our significant others are getting up to when they're not in our direct line of vision.

More worryingly, none of us can be sure what others know or may be saying, about any of our activities that we may believe are unknown to them.

If you want to cover your tracks I would suggest that you uproot the pampas grass in your front garden and take steps to ensure that you don't shit on your own doorstep play well away from your home area.

However, for someone who gets their rocks off from 'swinging', you seem remarkably naive about the motives of those who indulge engage in this activity and I suspect that it won't be long until your personal sexual preference becomes common knowledge.

Dropdeadfred Fri 27-Apr-12 15:12:53

I too wonder what the purpose of this

Dropdeadfred Fri 27-Apr-12 15:13:11

Post is..?

Malificence Fri 27-Apr-12 15:19:06

Izzy, that depends on whether you have the find my friends app on your phone wink
Someone on here used it to find their cheating husband not so long ago.

I use it to stalk DH grin

Loonytoonie Fri 27-Apr-12 15:20:40

It can only be a stealth boast if people think it's anything to be proud of.

Squigsmum Fri 27-Apr-12 15:23:00

ImperialBlether No its not all done via a website and no he doesnt know who I am. I have a hugely different appearance on the scene.

lisaD1 Its not any of my business you are right. Lots of posts on here are not our business, we still discuss the content and have an interest in it.

MaisyMooCow I have never knowingly played with a married man.

BIWIWhoMustBeObeyed I suppose I was amazed at the fact that marriage, vows and promises seem to mean so little to many people.

Like I said in my OP I just wanted peoples thoughts.

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