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DH has no sex drive whatsoever...

(72 Posts)
chocolategateaudeluxe Thu 26-Apr-12 20:36:31

Ok, I posted this a while back in "AIBU", but it?s more suited for "Relationships". Here?s updated and more comprehensive version (bare with me)...

DH and me have been together for 9 years, are in our 30s, 2 DCs. We are in a relationship that can be described as happy, and we are both in good health. Friends always comment how loved up we always look.

DH has never been a very sexual person, more the ?cuddly? type, but over the last 3-4 years the amount of sex we have has gone down to about once (!!!) a year, and always on my initiative. Last time he initiated sex was when he was asleep (yes, sleep sex!) DC2 was conceived.

I?ve tried leaving him alone for months, but it makes no difference. The longest I?ve waited was one and a half years! Nothing. He has no sex drive whatsoever and has ?even? stopped masturbating (so it?s not just in relation to me - he says it?s simply not as exciting as it was in the beginning...).

After a lot of nagging, he agreed to go to GP to rule out any medical reasons ? turns out he?s in perfect health and his testosterone levels are normal, too. DH takes good care of himself, eats healthily and exercises 10 5 times a week. He is not stressed at work. He is also not gay. He does not react to any kind of visual sexual stimulation, from seeing me naked to watching pornography (which he finds ?silly? just like sexy underwear) so I can?t ?spice? things up because he doesn?t react to anything.

I said the next step will have to be counselling because I can not have this for the rest of our married lives. In view of the costs and time, DH said he would try and ?do the deed? twice a month (I?d be quite happy with that). Turns out it is not that easy, now, he even struggles to ?get it up? at all... It is getting worse and worse. He revealed to me he had insecurities about this since he was a child (!) (it never showed previously). Anyway, DH has now had an initial assessment for psychosexual therapy to see if he?s suitable, which we had to wait for for over a month (they said 1-2 weeks), now it will take another ?couple of weeks? until there is a free slot...

All I?m asking is for 2 shags a month (5-10 minutes) - no foreplay, just plain sex. How can any man find that such a burdin...? I mean, even if you?re not in the mood, cuddling and kissing usually helps to get things started... (I certainly never refused even when I was pregnant with DC1 and throwing up 10 x a day!).

I get a reasonable amount of attention from other men, this makes it even harder, but I don't want to sleep with anybody else. We?re a unit, we belong together, as a family, all of us. This is so frustrating...

Another, related problem, is that I would like to have DC3 NOW some time soon (DC2 is almost 4). Problem is, he doesn?t want a 3rd child. Says he wasn?t keen on the first two, but at the same time is the best dad in the world. There is no reason not to (financially speaking etc.) It would be the first planned child. And it is sooo wanted that it hurts. It feels like a loss if I think I won?t be able to have it. I look at DH and I look at my DCs and there?s just this void, someone?s missing. This might sound pathetic but that is just how it feels like. There is also a medical condition which would improve if I was PG, but I haven't told DH, it would just be extra pressure for him. Have also stopped telling him when I am on my period/ovulating, for the same reason. First two DCs were unplanned, but not unwanted. They just happened. At the right time. I thought it would be the same with any further DCs. DCs ?just happening? freaked DH out he wasn?t interested in contraception but what do you expect? which adds to the problem (?everytime we have sex you get pregnant?). But I really shouldn?t go into detail with that here - it really is another, separate, problem (though related, if that makes sense?). If both issues weren?t equally important, I would trade one for the other, that?s how desperate I am, but they are...

I am so frustrated... When will it get better. Will it ever get better? I don?t think it can: How can therapy talk you into having a sex drive, because this is how it seems to me, and DH. You can?t talk a gay person straight, why should it work with DH...?

Any opinions or experiences welcome.

ImperialBlether Thu 26-Apr-12 20:44:27

I don't think you're asking for enough, actually.

I was horrified that you said you would accept two shags a month with no foreplay. You shouldn't say you'll accept that.

I was also shocked that he said he didn't want the children. If he didn't want to have a child why didn't he get himself sorted out permanently? That's a dreadful thing for someone to say who has children.

I really don't think you should have another child, or at least not with him. I don't think you can talk someone into wanting a sex life - he's decided he doesn't want one and assumes you'll put up with it. That's very unfair of him - and inconsiderate, too.

Tokamak Thu 26-Apr-12 20:52:38

Hmm. Is he on the computer a lot when you're not about? When you're in bed, for example?

fallenangle Thu 26-Apr-12 21:12:13

Not meaning to make this difficult for you op, but their are other live threads complaining about male partners wanting more sex than their female partners are comfortable with and being told that they, the female partner with the lower sex drive, should 't be pressured. Mums netters sometimes want it both ways - the bastard is too demanding, or the bastard isn't giving me enough. Either way He is the bastard.
Your post is a bit difficult to follow, however the difference of opinion between you both on further children and the fact that you seem to want to get pregnant to improve your health says to me you need to seek professional support. Go and talk to your GP about how you feel.

TheSockPuppet Thu 26-Apr-12 21:29:50

I feel your pain op, DP is like this too, doesn't watch porn either and doesn't...ahem...satisfy himself...we're only in our mid 20s hmm

We're trying for a little one just now and it makes it harder because he hardly ever wants to do the 'trying' but, but still desperately wants a baby confused, he's started taking zinc Vitamin tablets to try and increase his sex drive so if it works I'll come back and let you know so your dp could maybe give it a bash?

21YrOldMan Thu 26-Apr-12 21:38:40

So, you're putting pressure on him to have sex with you more than he wants to, and trying to get him to have an additional child to satisfy your needs despite the fact that you know he doesn't want to?

If you were a man you'd be slaughtered for this post. As it is, ImperialBlether just made me laugh, in an ironic, not really funny, kind of way.

nizlopi Thu 26-Apr-12 21:38:40

I don't think its ever healthy to set up a sex timetable, especially if one partner is just doing it to satisfy the other. I understand (believe me, I've been in a similar position with an ex partner) that its hard, but you need to sort out the issues he's telling you about before you rush into regular sex with an unwilling partner.

These issues that he says are stemming from his childhood could be anything. I really think that he needs to get to the bottom of them. In the meantime, be supportive, go through it together.

CervixWithASmile Thu 26-Apr-12 21:43:28

I'm in the same position as you, soul destroying.

Tokamak Thu 26-Apr-12 21:43:47

So, you're putting pressure on him to have sex with you more than he wants to

A 1.5 year break from the dreadful pressure of having to put out seems to be fairly reasonable to me.

Something else is going on here.

Also, he has a tongue, so even if he can't get it up, he has other ways to satisfy his wife, no?

nizlopi Thu 26-Apr-12 21:46:16


'Also, she has a mouth, so even if she's not willing to put out, she has other ways to satisfy her husband, no?'

MarySA Thu 26-Apr-12 21:48:38

It is a fact of life that sex drive varies in different people. and it is very difficult when two people have such a wide difference in it. And I suppose if they genuinely love each other and want to stay together then some sort of compromise is called for. This would have to be worked out with the two people with possibly the help of a counsellor. I really sympathise but don't think there is any easy answer.

Tokamak Thu 26-Apr-12 21:49:32

'Also, she has a mouth, so even if she's not willing to put out, she has other ways to satisfy her husband, no?'

But she IS willing to put out. That's the point, see?

fallenangle Thu 26-Apr-12 21:50:26

What nizlopi said.

nizlopi Thu 26-Apr-12 21:50:41


Wow, that was so not my point. I was flipping what you said to show you how utterly vile it was.

21YrOldMan Thu 26-Apr-12 21:51:45

Of course something else is going on. But that wouldn't excuse a man timetabling sex with his wife when he knew she didn't want to, so why even mention it?

I suspect the "something else" is related to him not being able to get it up, which may be due to any number of causes. Guess away, but the only thing that will help is a heart to heart between chocolate and her partner, and maybe a health professional.

Tokamak Thu 26-Apr-12 21:53:38

It's not vile at all. The bloke knows his wife has needs, if he has any awareness. If he has a probelm with getting a hardon, there are other ways.

fallenangle Thu 26-Apr-12 21:53:39

You completely missed the point Tokamac

bouncyagain Thu 26-Apr-12 21:54:50

You say that a 3rd DC is sooo wanted - but that is only by you, not him. How long have you wnated a 3rd? Perhaps his lack of interest is related to his desire not to have a 3rd?

If the sex has gone (and obviously it only takes one person to do that) then there is not much hope for the marriage. He needs to understand that (if it is just physical then viagra is an easy solution), but this also means that you may find yourself a single parent. Being a single parent with two DCs the ages you have is one thing, add a 3rd as a baby and that is quite another.

Sorry not to be more +ve

nizlopi Thu 26-Apr-12 21:58:55

Tokamak He has needs to. I wouldn't want my husband to go down on me if he wasn't willing, just as he wouldn't want me to give him a blow job if I wasn't into it. Sex isn't one person, its two, and both should be into it, otherwise its just fucked up.

hattifattner Thu 26-Apr-12 21:59:07

take a look here - you are not alone.

nizlopi Thu 26-Apr-12 21:59:23


Tokamak Thu 26-Apr-12 22:04:58

Fair point, niz. Hadn't thought of it that way - I was just thinking that sometimes you need to make an effort with sex, and just dive in, so to speak.

Bumpsadaisie Thu 26-Apr-12 22:51:51

Is his lack of drive related to the fact that DCs 1 and 2 "weren't planned?"

The fact that a moment of sex can result in a lifetime's responsibility is quite scary if you think about it.

In what way were they not planned ?

Hattytown Thu 26-Apr-12 23:25:25

You say he exercises excessively. Could he be taking steroids?

crestico Fri 27-Apr-12 08:11:43

just some quick biological info:
if he doesn't masturbate at least once every 7-14 days his balls will get really heavy, start to really really hurt, and he will start having wet dreams on a semi-regular basis.

so either he's telling you the truth and he's covering up the wet patches every night (does he do the laundry?) or he's lying, and either he is masturbating but doesn't want to admit to it - or ... i'd put my money on a porn addiction

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