Dp so unhappy......that's his problem :)

[Becominghappy]

Well, I got mumsnet hq to delete my old three following advice from you lovely ladies....

To recap briefly, woke up to partner with hands between my legs 3 nights running, I'm sure those who had posted (and I really really appreciated all those who did) will remember the rest.

Had e core group meeting and notified everyone that i had ended the relationship. Xp looked gutted. Said that my sw was due to visit me on Thursday and I would discuss the whys and wherefores with her then.

Xp probation officer asked for a word. It seemed that he'd always reported to her that things were good in the relationship. Following their 5 minute conversation, he'd informed me that he'd told her what had happened and at he was worried I might press charges. He said that she'd said "if she did, it could be misconstrued to be sexual assault"....highly doubt she said that and is a another means he is using to minimise what he has done.

Xp is currently begging for another chance. Wants to be a better partner, father blah blah blah......

Sw came around today and I told her everything that had happened. She was really supportive and understanding....I really do like her, can relate to her a lot. She said that ds will come off the plan as I am a good protector, she has no doubts about that. She understand why's hat I haven't wanted to break the family up, and she understands why. But says that I have given it a good go.

Xp is still living here, he has nowhere else to go. It's difficult. I still love him but know that we cannot work things out. I want more for my ds.

He is looking at housing a good 2 hours away from here, which will be difficult for contact with ds. He said he will pick up ds after work on Friday, then travel an hour to pick up dd, then travel the 2 hours to his place (when he gets it). The timings that I've given are not at rush hour so can see him getting home at midnight. Ds would then have to be back for his swimming lesson at 4.30pm on Sunday.

I told both my sw and xp that if ds returns home when older saying daddy was shouting at so and so, I would have serious concerns as I know exactly how unreasonable he is....and what his shouting is like. Sw said that it's all about bringing ds up to be honest, no secrets. And if there is shouting to see how he feels about it, if he's scared etc etc. if I has concerns, I could stop contact.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for your responses. Honestly think your sometimes harsh advice is what I have needed to realise that his behavious is not on. And any hope I have of him changing and having this happy family is just not going to happen.....despite xps empty promises to change his ways.

Here's to moving in with my life and becoming happier!! :)

[oikopolis]

well done you lovely woman x

[GeekLove]

I haven't much to say but Congratlatuons! However be prepared for the wobbles and don't give into them - they can strike without warning.
Also I don't want to be alarmist but this is the most dangerous time. I think I might be an idea to discuss with your SW, police and friend an emergency exit strategy just in case.

[Losingitall]

I'm pleased for you, you should be very proud of yourself!!

x

[PillarBoxRedRoses]

Well done. X

[Pleasehelpifyoucan]

What an amazing post to read, I'm so glad that you have realised that you have a whole life out there waiting for you, and unfortunately you can do nothing to change this man and the way he treats women. Well done.

[Longtalljosie]

Good for you. Stay strong though - he'll keep trying to worm his way back in. All the best x

[Busybusybust]

Oh dear BH - this bit

Xp is still living here, he has nowhere else to go. It's difficult. I still love him but know that we cannot work things out. I want more for my ds

I know yoyu still love him, but think atm that you must part - do you think you will be srong enough to resist his (inevitable) charm offensive?

Honestly - make him go. It really isn't your problem where he goes. He jus needs to go - for your sake.

[Becominghappy]

I asked him to go to is sisters (hours drive). She's got someone staying tonight and he's on the mortgage. Has asked me to be patient, that he's looking for somewhere else but it takes a bit of time. He's stopping in his hoe town (where he's looking for alternative accommodation) tomorrow and will be back on Saturday. And then he's going out for day on sunday (it's his dd birthday). We're just avoiding each other. Hopefully he'll stop there next week and get some space between us. He's got a viewing on Saturday and 3 next weekend. Roll on moving out day....we will be having a party!!

[izzyizin]

As you may need to seek legal advice to get his name off the mortgage, I would suggest you post on the legal board.

Isn't your ds only a few months old? With regard to contact, in view of his f's history, IMO it would not be advisable for your ds to stay overnight with his f or to have unsupervised contact with him at least until he's developed language skills.

[AnyFucker]

He will still be there 6 months from now, and you will have succumbed again to the drip-drip-drip of his manipulation

It's how it goes

Unless you change something

[Becominghappy]

Izzy, yes ds is only 4 months old. Sw didn't mention about him not having overnight access. And tbh I know exactly how it will go if I stipulate no overnight and supervised access until he's improved his comms skills....he'll play and manipulate the system, and end up with ds overnight and unsupervised. I'll only ever know if somethings going on when ds is older and can tell me. Expressed concerns over that to sw. Sw is arranging a meeting with someone who will go thru all the house stuff with me, plus benefits that I will be entitled to etc etc.

Af - honestly, my mind is made up. I feel so so strong. Im going to give his sister a call myself tomorrow and explain the situation. He has told me he still pays the mortgage and therefore he is entitled to be here. Which is all well and good but given what he has put me through I think he should be the one to sod off. I HAVE to do this for my ds. I don't want him growing up and asking me why daddy is shouting at you, why doesn't daddy like you.

I have managed to rehome my dog.....just got my two cats to rehome. I need to sell house (can't afford) and rent somewhere. Will be easier carting myself and ds than myself, ds, dog, 2 cats. Heartbreaking, but I have to do it to move on.

[AnyFucker]

you won't stay strong if you remain uner the same roof as him

you need to find a way to get him out

every person who has given you any advice at all would agree with me

waiting for him with his "viewings" (he will kybosh them) and his "plans" (they will come to nought) to move out, is naive in the extreme

you still leave the ball in his court

and he is a very good game player

[AnyFucker]

*under

[Becominghappy]

Af you're probably right......it's difficult with him being here. Still love him, wish I didn't! And itll only be a matter of time before he tries gilt tripping me with ds and dsd. I'm going to call his sister. She knows whats happened. Has apologised for his behavious etc etc, think she will talk him into staying ith her and giving me the space I need.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Glad to see your OP and new username.

I was immediately concerned by this bit, as others are: Xp is still living here, he has nowhere else to go. It's difficult. I still love him but know that we cannot work things out.

You really, really, really need physical separation and NO contact with this man in order to sort your head out after the years of manipulation. His claiming he has nowhere to go is further manipulation. If he accepted that it was over and that he has to go, he would go. It's that simple. There are always solutions.

He's not gone because he has no intention of going. No intention of accepting your word that you know it is over for you. In his head, it's not over for him, and what you have to say about your own mind doesn't count.

Get. him. out.

[AnyFucker]

I hope so too, love, with all my heart

rely on his sister, you need some support, I am not knocking it

but do you see what I am saying ?

you are still looking for someone else to make it impossible for you to succumb to his sweet talk

that strength has to come from you or you will be back here in a few months time, posting the same refrain

or worse, not even bothering, just going with the flow because it's easier

[izzyizin]

He sure is some fucking smooth operator, isn't he? Gets his name on your mortage and then starts sexually abusing you while you're asleep.

According to your last post, he's only been on the mortgage for 'a few weeks' and now he's telling you he's entitled to live in what he now sees as 'his own home'.

And you reckon you're going to get this man out easily? Think again, honey. And fgs get him off the mortgage and out of your home while he's still on probation and the care plan is still in place - i.e. while 'professionals' are on his case.

As for a 4 month staying overnight with him; there's only one response you can make to any request that this violent offender has unsupervised contact with your ds and that is 'over my dead body'.

Let him take you to Court. Given what you've said about his criminal history, I can't see any Judge allowing him to have unsupervised contact with your ds.

[sugarice]

As Izzy says, all of it. GET HIM OUT of the house by any means.

[NettleTea]

very pleased to read your posts but have to say I agree with izzy and AF. you need him out and you dont need ON contact for your ds at this stage - especially if he is going to be living 2 hours away. He can come and take him out for a few hours, or have supervised in a playcentre or something. if you think he might play guilt trips, then what might he do if he takes your baby away and its too far to bring him back. Now is the dangerous time.
also - only 1 viewing this weekend, and 2 next. thats not very proactive. He's not planning on going anywhere. Use that core group and get him out. He has only been on the mortgage a few weeks - no court in the land would grant him a stake in the house. he needs to be gone and you need to make sure he stays gone. I am sure the core group wouldnt expect him to be staying with you. This is the time for marking up your boundaries and establishing them strongly. I understand you want to keep things nice, but believe me, he wont be that bothered and he is either going to take you for a right mug, worm his way back in, or get nasty if you appear weak.

[Becominghappy]

so, xp is stopping with family. hes got a viewing tomorrow. this is 1st night by myself. i like that hes not here but struggling for things to do. what do single mummies do on a friday night? still feel the same about everything.

[izzyizin]

In the absence of a babysitter, they crack open the , tuck into a Krispy Kreme or 10, and mumsnet or watch the box/the dvd/listen to music/take a long lingering bath.

[Mumsyblouse]

You really need more nights in on your own, to get used to being on your own not as a frightening thing, but as a lovely, relaxing, space in which you can do whatever you want (bath, go out, internet, tv, call a friend, watch a film). You settled down pretty young, perhaps it's now time to hang out by yourself/with friends and not worry you don't have a man around, especially one who may kick off or do something to you in the middle of the night. Keep strong, you can do this.

As for what to do, eventually, when you are settled, you can go out (leaving your children in the care of a nice babysitter/family member) and enjoy yourself. For now, I don't think mumsnetting is a bad option:)

[Becominghappy]

Oh I definitely don't want a man about...that's for sure. Little boy is in bed and that's the only man I need. I do feel so much better for being by myself. Was looking forward to it, and now it's here, I'm like.....hmmmm, what can I do??

Had a bath, a glass of wine, chocolate and am watching corrie in bed :) ds has dream feed at 10.30pm....might leave him in bed with me after for snuggles

I can't believe how much better I feel. Really really really hoping that xp viewing goes well tomorrow so we (me and ds) can have some normality and routine instead of second guessing when his daddy will be here.

[RachyRach30]

So proud of you! Well done for taking control of the situation and putting your son first.

I was thinking about you, hoping you would post after you had the other thread deleted.

You really do seem focused . I Bet it was fun for you to do all the things you did tonight, sounds good without having to worry about your husband.

I think you will get used to it and be much happier being you and little boy for a while, you won't have all this worry and you can please yourself, like somebody else said you will be able to go out when your more settled.

Great news :)

[izzyizin]

Once this man is out of your life you can have a Friday night every night.

So many Belgian chocs... so little time