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I need to get out but how?

8 replies

namechangeassoconfused · 17/04/2012 09:43

Only been with DP for 6 months but me and DC live with him. I gave up my tenancy to move in with him. I did have good reasons for this main season being access to better nursery and school for DS who is on spectrum.

The problem is on Sunday after an eventful Saturday night I found out lots about DP I didn't know. As in a whole history he had hidden from me. The information came from various sources. Some trustworthy some not so. After a long talk we decided to put it behind us and move on and I thought all was going to be well.

Last night I received an email from a woman which was forward of an email he had sent her yesterday afternoon which included a video he had sent her. She apologised but explained she had seen his relationship status on facebook and thought I should know so had gotten my email address from my facebook. I haven't mentioned this to him. I found out from her she had met him on a dating website and after some digging online last night I discovered he is registered to lots of them from the innocent type plentyoffish to ones such as fuck book and old slapper dating.

I feel so sick right now. I'm in same house as him trying to act normal but want to scream. I know if I bring it up he'll deny everything and then walk out which would be ok but I'm worried he will come back demand that I move out as it is his house.

The other thing stopping me is my DC adore him. He treats them like his own and they would be so upset if we split up. I don't want to move them either as they have just settled into this house and new school and are doing great at school much better than at previous school. I just feel so trapped.

Sorry so long. Just had to get it out.

OP posts:

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FlameProofNightie · 17/04/2012 09:48

Well, you've been incredibly stupid moving your children in with a man you've only known for 6 months - however, i shan't berate you for that as I did a similar thing myself once upon a time.

My advice would be to start looking for somewhere to rent asap and then leave. No need to cause trauma to your children if you handle it correctly- merely tell them that you and him have decided to be friends instead and you are going to live in a new house, just you and them. How much you tell them is age dependant, of course.

You're only as trapped as you want to be. Better to make moves to leave now rather than put up with this nonsense for years and years to come

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squeakytoy · 17/04/2012 09:58

I can only echo what FPN has :(

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FlameProofNightie · 17/04/2012 10:02

i moved in with a man within 6 months of meeting him. It ended badly within about 4 or so months after that, and yes, i'd moved my then 7 year old too, plus changed her school and taken her 50 miles from her friends and family.

So, I understand where you are coming from but you MUST minimise any stress to your children and make the move now. My DD has no real recollection of that time because I worked hard to stay normal and upbeat and sold it to her as a positive move etc... I was an absolute fool, but learn from this experience and take greater care next time.

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boringnickname · 17/04/2012 10:09

First thing i would do would be to contact your local housing authority, do you want to stay there because of your DS schooling? this might give you some leeway. Is the house his? rented? Are you contributing to the rent at all? There will be lots more advice coming.

Don't beat yourself up over this - he sounds vile but the vilest snakes can be the most charming. The only thing i would ask is, are those things in the past? Now that he has met you has he binned them? Might be worth a bit more digging to see if they are current as you dont know if this woman has your best interests at heart. It doesn't sound good though.

Also, what do you mean, eventful saturday?

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Smum99 · 17/04/2012 10:16

You have made a big mistake but it is repairable, if you act now. Your dc's will be fine to move home if you are calm and plan well. I'm always suspicious of comments such as "my dc's love him" they may like him but after 6 months you and them don't really know him so it isn't 'love'.

This man has revealed his character and I suspect you will learn more and potentially worse. Please just take steps to move out - make the plans in a quiet way. You don't have to move too far away so the dc's can continue with school. It might be worth letting the school know and they hopefully will be supportive.

I just don't understand why any mum would uproot dc's on the basis of a new relationship.There is never ever a good enough reason to place your dc's in such a risky position. Get your own place always. My dss's mum has moved in with men quickly and I have seen the fall out, it isn't healthy and poor dss is now in a mess as a result so I feel very passion about this subject.

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FlameProofNightie · 17/04/2012 10:26

I feel passionately about the subject too - but we all make mistakes don't we? The idea is that you never make a mistake like this again and learn from this. We have a responsibility to our children to provide stability - just make sure you sort this out calmly and responsibly and apply the '12 month rule' in future to relationships ... < so, no moving in, mingling of finances, NOTHING until 12 months have elapsed. You then have a clearer picture of someone's true character >

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squeakytoy · 17/04/2012 10:29

"I know if I bring it up he'll deny everything and then walk out which would be ok but I'm worried he will come back demand that I move out as it is his house"

I am confused a bit by this... if it is his house, you can hardly expect him to move out if you end the relationship..