discovery in husbands bag

[patchi]

Last night I discovered (wasn't searching he asked me to go in) vouchers for oral sex for him cheque book in my husbands bag. (they are the joke sort that you might give h for joke). He leapt up and started saying I got them for you for valentines but forgot to give them to you. If they were for me they would have been oral sex for her. He then gave me alsorts of basically bullshit stories re where they came from.
I am not wrong am I that a girl has obviously given them to him?
His final explanation was that a girl mate gave them to him because me and him had not had sex for so long that he could give them to me as a hint/joke.
I do want to end this marriage after alot of stuff like this or variations of but have tried to hold it together for the dc but I feel I have to draw a line now and feel mentally finally that I can - despite the millions of complications/financial issues and so on
just tell me if i am being mad or if it is obvious these are from another girl?

[DinahMoHum]

its obvious they were from another girl. Im sorry.

[Gumby]

you poor thing
It's obvious they're from another girl especially if he's got history of doing similar

[MyleeneCrass]

Sounds well dodgy

[sternface]

Yes they are from another woman.

That would have been obvious right from the off, but the catalogue of lies thereafter seals the deal. Now he wants you to believe that he has been discussing your sex life with a colleague. Nice.

If this is the last in a series of similar incidents, it's never going to get any better so cut your losses and run.

[diddl]

Sounds as if they were from another girl.

Maybe I´m oldfashioned/prudish-but there are only two people who know anything about our sex life-that´s me & my husband.

[KlickKlackknobsac]

You can never be sure- are they printed or written?? Does sound weird but you cannot be sure they are from another girl. More investigation required. Be sure be fore you turn your life upsidedown.

[sternface]

What he's admitted to would be bad enough for me, especially if he's done stuff like this before and either been forgiven/given the benefit of the doubt for other implausible lies.

[patchi]

he has a history over at least the last 5 years of sexting other women inappropriate FB messaging etc.
I had a baby 5 years ago and couldn't face the upheaval and no money etc but I have made my self stronger over the years - I started my own business which does ok and emotionally tried to build myself up as probably knew this day was inevitable really.
I am so worried for the dc though as I am worried he won't supposrt us financially.
I feel I can keep things nice between us for the dc but am worried he will flip and be stupid and immature and not look after us.
We don't live in uk though so no supposrt structure here.
my kids never been to uk and got no friends or family there so bit stuck support wise iykwim

[nooka]

It is possible that they were given to him by a mate as a joke, but the leaping up followed by the string of obvious lies make that very very unlikely IMO.

Sometimes it is relatively small things that become the last straw or make people see 'the light'. It sounds like you need to start working out your escape route from your relationship.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Assume the worst - he will not support you financially - and then take it from there. Don't mortgage your self-respect for the sake of a few quid.

[daffydowndilly]

Listen to that inner voice, it is always right. I couldn't live with my husband's lies, once we separated in a way it was worse, realising how little I trusted him and how little I respected him, I had fooled myself into thinking that I was still "in love". But how can anyone respect or love another adult who lies? Even if that little inner niggly voice is the one that is telling you.

[doctordwt]

You'll be fine, you know. You've been preparing for this for a while by the sound of it. And so far your preparations seem to be paying off!- you started your own business? Good on you. You're clearly the type of woman who isn't prepared to waste her one life worrying and checking and mistrusting. Yes, of course they were from someone else, and he already has form - you know he's a cheat at heart. So don't persuade yourself to stay. Especially not for your DC. Don't let them learn that this is how relationships work.

Before you confront him about splitting, make sure you have all financial documentation that you can - payslips, pension details , bank statements etc. then get the CSA involved ASAP if you think he will fail to take responsibility for his child. Make the claim straightaway, that's where they will backdate any money to. Get your free half hour with local family solicitors, and visit CAB to find out what you should be doing re claiming assistance and what you should be asking from your H.

You sound decided and clear about what you want which is good because it hopefully means that the shouting, accusing, screaming - all the stuff that is so damaging to the DC - maybe doesn't need to happen. Someone said on a thread yesterday that it's not divorce which damages children, but what generally happens in the lead up to it. I think that's true. Keep your eyes on the prize... which is, a happier, more secure future with (I'm sure!!) a trustworthy loving man, and a good co-parenting relationship with your ex which prioritises your DC's right to spend time with and be supported and loved by both parents. It CAN be done. Good luck x

[doctordwt]

Aha I see you're not in the uk - but it sounds as if you are from there? Can you say roughly where you are? Is the uk home for you, would you be able to bring the DC with you?

What's the country like for women's rights, legal assistance, social support?

[patchi]

thanks doctor - no we are not in the UK and there is not a social support/legal system here that would help me out. I know he may do the right thing but equally he may not as he is very money grabbing.
I am most of all worried about the effect on the dc.
Over the years there has been alot of lying on his part often over the most stupid of things and my friends here have been telling me for years to leave so I kind of feel I have to but it is making me ill the thought of it.
I have not slept for about 4 months can't eat and even smoking a bit so I know I am very stressed but I am thinking now that if I don't take the hit now and get over it this feeling could drag on for years. I like your keep the eyes on the prize saying!!
I feel I can be friends with him and hope he will be like that too but not sure - he is saying he doesn't want ot be friends if we split up and that he'll hate me.

[patchi]

and yes I am british but children have never lived there they are 4 and 7 and have only even been to the uk twice briefly.
I am really loathe to uproot them as well thought he could let us stay in this house for a year to create stability for them and make a decision next year re long term - would that sound reasonable?

[boringnickname]

You need to like yourself more, you don't have to settle for this

[mummytime]

Come back to the UK. At 4 and 7 they are perfectly adaptable.

[patchi]

I know but i have got no friends or family there (got friends here my family all over the place). No profession and my business is here and non transferable. I thought maybe another year here to get my head in a sensible place and then decide??
I guess I would make friends through school though and maybe get a job - but doing what?

[doctordwt]

I think it depends on where you would have the most support - both practical and emotional. Because it sounds as if at first, he will try and make your life difficult, almost certainly bully you to put up and shut up and stay, and that will of course affect the DC. So you will need people on your side.

You don't say how long you've been in your current country, but if it's years, then I can imagine that you might feel better actually staying - you clearly have friends there etc. however, if there's no social support, that makes it very hard not to be forced to remain reliant on him - a very bad idea in the short term. You NEED to be financially independent, by whatever means, so that he can't bully and 'starve' (!) you into staying IYSWIM.

One answer might be to go back to the UK temporarily - if of course you have support there. If you think AT ALL that he might get aggressive, definitely do this. Say you're going for a holiday with the children, get some space - and tell him it's over from a distance. It will stop dead all the arguments and persuasion - you say that you will return once separate houses, finances etc. are settled, and you'll return with a family member with you to support you for a couple of weeks when you do come back He will know you mean business.

Of course you may want to return to the UK and that is more complicated - the DC have a right to see him. At their ages they would adjust quickly, but it's not ideal to live a country away from a parent. Again, it depends where you are! And could you continue your business if you moved countries?

[doctordwt]

Oh x-posts. Could you take an extended break to visit family? Would they be willing to have you and the children stay for a month or so? You might put yourself in a stronger position by not being there, telling him it's over, and saying you'll return once finances and housing are agreed.

[doctordwt]

...and once you're out of there, you might find yourself thinking more clearly on whether you want to live there long term.

[coppertop]

Even if you believe his final rubbish explanation, what does this say about him?

He told his "girl mate" that he wasn't having enough sex with his wife. He then turned it into the two of them joking about it at your expense and took the vouchers when she offered them to him. Horrible man.

And that's without even considering his past history.

Sorry, patchi. :(

[AnyFucker]

he is a liar and a deceiver

make your decision with that in mind

[FoxyRoxy]

Another girl did give them to him, he's "admitted" that after a load of lies. If what he's said is to be believed he's been discussing your sex life with a female colleague, joking about it to the point where she's gone out, bought a "cheque book" of oral sex vouchers and given them to him to give to you(?) and he's not only taken them from her but also kept them.

I'm also in a country that doesn't have a support system for lone parents, no such thing as legal aid etc. can I ask, did you marry in the Uk or in the country where you live? If you married in the UK then you must also divorce there, and can make provisions for the children through the courts. Would this make him more likely to provide support?

Are you in an English speaking country?

[patchi]

we live in middle east and i ahve done for 20 years so no chance of any help here legally etc.
We have bee together for 10 years.
He is not aggressive at all more the type to turn things around that I am the one kicking him out over nothing.
He is the type to play the victim (yawn) and claim he has no money and has spent long periods of time out of work (while I pay for everything) and being basically helpless. this is the main reason I have fallen out of love with him really.
I was thinking maybe he could move out for 8 weeks till the summer. stay with friends and then he can move back in here for summer and by september maybe he would have enough money to rent a studio.
I think he should let us stay in this house for a year and then once everything is settled down I could make a decision re moving back to UK or see if I can make it wrk here?