solicitor or not?

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

I think that I might be thinking seriously if splitting from dh and father of my 3 kids. He's a.good man but I am not in live with him, don't know whether I ever was, tb brutally h, and for various reasons which don't really want to go into, think I have had enough. He is a good man, would NEVER hurt me, is as honest ad the day is long, etc etc, but there is an issue which emerged soon after marriage 14 yrs ago and I think I've had enough.
So. My ?
Would I have grounds, would you recommend i go talk it through with a solicitor? How much info would they need to know. (dont feel I should discuss dh's private stuff with another, iyswim) or would it be a waste of money?
Sorry for typos, on phone

[ThePinkPussycat]

Even couples who split amicably have to go the unreasonable behaviour route, as there is no other way of doing it quickly. The courts understand this, and are not in the business of keeping people married against their will. You can even agree with DH what the grounds are, if you want.

Yes, talk to a sol, remember they are bound by confidentiality, it is ok to talk about dh's private stuff, but it may not be all that relevant in the end.

Check out the Resolution website, there is lots of info about divorce, and about collaborative resolution - hence the name! Even though my divorce turned nasty, that's where I found my sol, who is v good.

[doihavetonamechange]

wait out the 2 years and have a no fault divorce??

[PooPooInMyToes]

What was the issue that emerged?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Assuming you're in England/Wales, a 2 year separation is adequate and no fault needs to be ascribed. If you're satisfied the relationship has broken down beyond saving then you can separate and divorce in due course. As regards information, the more you can give a solicitor the better the advice they can give in return. It is a confidential matter. If everything remains amicable and you can organise things like finances and access between you, rather than via the courts, even better.

Talk to your husband first, however.

[balia]

What about mediation? It isn't just for trying to stay together (although it might help you feel more definite?) you can also use it to work out an amicable separation, sorting out issues of finances, care of the kids, living arrangements etc. And loads cheaper than a solicitor, even if you have to consult one to rubber stamp the arrangements later on.

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Pussy, I will check that out, many thanks. Do we need to live apart for the two years for the no fault?
I have toyed with this idea but after a minor row, symptomatic of many of the little things that irritate, I went to sleep thinking 'i can't do this anymore'
I am going to open a private account I think, to start saving.
Fuck. I can't believe I'm typing this. I am not telling anyone in RL, I think I need to think long and hard, but I have never felt so coldly about it all before

[ThePinkPussycat]

Well, aiui, you can live separately under the same roof. But it is not an easy option. I would talk to a sol about this - you can get a free initial interview (or several, with different sols)

[Sposh]

If he's amicable and doesn't contest the unreasonable behaviour clause then you can get a divorce very cheaply, here

You don't need to pay solicitors fees at all.

You'll probably need a lawyer for the financial side of things though.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I'd always recommend checking out your options, even if having looked at how it works you find it isn't what you really want. Just knowing where you stand gives you strength. Consulting a solicitor by no means commits you to carrying through a divorce.

[BizzieLizzy]

Lost I am in a similar situation but the decision has been made. My dh too is fundamentally a good man, just not so good in relationships. He's a great dad to our two children.

Things got worse and worse and I was telling him all the time I wanted to separate, but he does not want this and did everything to bury his head and try and keep us together.

However, now we have told the kids, accepted an offer on our house, I've found one to buy and all our wider family and friends know what's happening. The first few weeks were awful but we are civil and still living under the same roof. We have agreed between ourselves in principle how our assets will be divided and not consulted solicitors yet. So far it's going OK and getting easier all the time. We both want things (and each other) to be OK for the kids' sake.

I think we need to legally separate to make any financial arrangements solid and binding. As for divorce, I suppose it's inevitable but since no one else is involved there is no hurry and I suspect it will be two years' separation unless he wants to do it another way.

I feel for you, it's a massive decision to take, especially when things aren't really awful, there's no adultery or dv or anything dramatic. I've really felt the enormity of the responsibility I've had to take for making this happen, and since I am the instigator and it's not what dh wants I feel guilty. I've got my own thread running about this right now.

Good luck and if you want to pm me and compare notes as things go you are welcome.

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Lizzie, I like to think we would be the same but it is so hard. He doesn't work but does all house and child care... I'm the bread winner and worry about what he would do for $$. He'll get an early pension this summer, I'm 41 later this year. I don't know how to tolerate this one aspect of the marriage for the next 15 yrs without getting mire resentful.
I don't think anybody would be that surprised as we' re so different, but you will get it when I say I love him and like him,.but am not IN love and feel I am living a 'deadened' if muffled life. I don't even know what I would say. I am tempted to stick in there because of our children, who are oblivious to it. It would be so sad for them, as he wouldn't cope do well. He doesn't deserve this.... Neither do I, tbh. Just an awful situation.
I a envious that you have been able to make a definite decision, regardless of the direction it took.
Thank u go all who have taken time on here.

[BizzieLizzy]

Lost I used to come on here and feel envious at the people who'd bit the bullet. It's taken a long time to get to this point, years of misery.

You can't know how your dh would cope. Mine still loves me I think but I haven't made him happy for a long time. I used to say I couldn't do it, as it would 'kill him', but he's OK now he's accepted it. He's organising a social life and future for himself. I was living a deadened life too. It's been terrifying but I'm starting to feel I have a future to be excited about. There were times when I felt very close to suicide and was only kept from doing it by knowing it would destroy the children.

Also I used to come on here and people would tell me that the kids weren't oblivious and that they are damaged by the kind of relationship I had with dh - distant, empty. I thought they were oblivious. Not only were they not oblivious, they've handled the news amazingly well, to my surprise and relief.

I'm not accusing you of making excuses. You sound completely torn. I was in that place for a long time. It sounds like you and your dh will split inevitably. You are too unhappy not to. But you may not be ready yet. The worst time is between realising it can't last and you can't live like this forever and reaching the point where you do something about it. I was paralysed for a long time. I know exactly how you feel.

[curiositykitten]

You sound unsure as to whether this is what you want, or not - "I am thinking about maybe possibly almost considering thinking about leaving him". I'd say you'd be better off speaking to a counsellor first before a solictor, so you can be sure that this is what you want to do.
Have you spoken to your DH, does he have any idea that you are feeling this way?

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. Making the decision to go is the hardest one of them all.

[NarkedPuffin]

Lost, if he does all the childcare and you are the breadwinner, he would be likely to have the children living with him wouldn't he?

[RandomMess]

How old are the dc? It seems you would be financially responsible for maintaining a home for him and the dc even if you have 50% residency...

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

No time to post now, really.... Will come on later. Yes I think he would do most if childcare as im a teacher, very senior so long hours. i could take step back for less wage but fewer ling days and workload totally prepared to do that
He knows I'm unhappy, also that his particular behavior is at root, I don't think he knows extent of my feelings.... Yes I'm totally prepared to contribute to him, I wouldn't be where I aM if he hadn't supported me... Back later Xx