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Parents are becoming toxic - I was going to say it was a childcare issue, but really I just want to offload

19 replies

msjudgeypants · 15/04/2012 06:17

They are pleasant, middle-class types who volunteer a lot, have lots of friends, get plenty of exercise and have a lovely garden. They are at either end of their seventies.

They both drink too much. In a middle-class way, so nothing during the day or hidden. Only from 6pm on, but too much too fast. They have always done this, even in my teens, but back then they were happy, silly drunks who my friends all thought were really cool Hmm. Now they are often angry, nasty, and bitter towards each other. No violence, but unpleasantness, sniping and sometimes swearing. Occasionally, within earshot of the grandchildren (my DCs, 6 and 4). Dad is going deaf and refuses a hearing aid "because they don't work". Mum hates him for this. She also hates him for other things which are mainly not a big deal, unless you have lived with someone for 45 years. Dad is usually vague and wafty, but occasionally nasty in return, mostly on nights (like tonight) when he's apparently had too much to drink. All day, though, they are pleasant, kind and helpful. the worst of it probably starts after 8pm, and my kids are usually in bed by then.

For various reasons I need to go away next month for five days with DH and I was going to leave the kids with them (as we don't have anyone else to leave them with). Now I just don't want to. Not sure if I am being silly though, given that I survived growing up with them for 20 years. If this isn't enough, I have kid issues too with my 6-year-old, because she can't make any friends. I hate being 42 years old. It sucks and I hate it.

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LalaDipsey · 15/04/2012 06:40

Hi missjudgypants. IMHO I wouldn't leave them with your parents unless at least one of them promises (& you believe them) not to drink. My dh drinks too much and I wouldn't leave the dc with him - it's not just the chance of them overhearing the swearing - what if one is ill and they have drunk too much to deal with them properly, what if one cries out and needs them in the night but they don't hear because they are in that deep, drunken sleep, what if they drive them somewhere in the morning whilst still under the influence???? not worth it, I'm afraid!

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CailinDana · 15/04/2012 06:45

You sound truly fed up :( I agree with Lala that leaving your kids with them isn't a good idea- basically there will be no competent adult in the house from 8pm onwards.

What's going on with your 6 year old?

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msjudgeypants · 15/04/2012 07:10

My 6 yr old is a very nice, slightly geeky girl who has never had an easy time with social stuff. She made a "best friend" in Kindergarten (reception?) but her friend went to a different school for Y1. She hasn't managed to make any new friends this year, though she's not hated or anything - she simply is one of the lost, who play alone, who aren't included, and who don't have a 'crowd'. She can't play with others because she's afraid to ask them (after having done so a few times in the past and being refused); so she goes off on her own in the woodlot and tries to have a nice time. She does not know how to approach people and is sort of happy on her own, though not really, as she knows she's an outcast and should have friends.

I should point out that she is on no spectrum whatsoever. She's just unique Hmm.

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CailinDana · 15/04/2012 07:20

Does she complain about not having friends?

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DinahMoHum · 15/04/2012 07:24

if it all starts when the kids are in bed, id probably leave them. Its only a few days.

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msjudgeypants · 15/04/2012 07:31

Sort of. She's quite secretive and doesn't share a lot. At the start of the year she listed off names of people she liked and wanted to have over, but now she goes blank at the mention of classmates' names and acts oddly if I ask if she wants a playdate. She's not keen anymore. Don't want to think about what's happened with the ones she's no longer asking after. But I should be clear: these are Y1 kids. I don't think they are being actual bullies. She simply hasn't got anyone to play with.

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msjudgeypants · 15/04/2012 07:32

Dinah: you inhabit 50% of my brain. And the reason we need to leave them there is for a house hunt overseas. I'm thinking it's worth any possible risk.

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blobtobetter · 15/04/2012 07:34

She sounds like me - I was always terrified of approaching a group at school and trying to be included. It all got made into a huge life and death deal in my head. I spent a lot of time reading! I have always been a bit odd and proper in my ways though. By the time I got to secondary school I had more in common with my teachers. Kids can be cruel though and after seeing the way some other outcasts with humiliated it made me even more wary.

Just don't tell her she is weird. My dad did that to me and said that was why no one liked me. Really stuck in my head for years and years. That it was my fault that I didn't fit in and the way I was (just natural character) was wrong and the other kids and their opinions of me were right.

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LalaDipsey · 15/04/2012 08:08

Utterly up to you mjp but I would just add that my dd has woken at times screaming when she is poorly and dh hasnt heard a thing! At least have a chat with your mum - surely she will be understanding of the concern and not want to put dgc at risk?

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mummytime · 15/04/2012 08:45

Okay with you DD what are the school doing about it? Lots of schools have a friendship bench, and encourage those without friends to play with to join in. Have you also arranged play dates?
I wouldn't leave my kids with you parents, I'd probably take them with me.

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ThePinkPussycat · 15/04/2012 08:58

How do you know she isn't on the spectrum, or at least has traits? I was v similar when little, I had a good friend of the same age as me, a neighbour, we started at the same school, he moved, I was devastated. Things improved as I got older, and learned how to socialise a bit better, twas always with swots and geeks, as I was (and am) one.

DD also the same, I used to watch her unbeknown to her, while she was playing in the school playground on her own, my heart was breaking. BUT by mid-junior school things had improved a lot, and she has lots of friends now, (she is 20) geekiness is cool not weird these days. She and I both have v v high IQs, does yours - this can cause difficulties - OH and I always said to bear in mind that (in the words of Douglas Adams) nobody loves a smart arse! I didn't seem to grasp that...

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2012 09:06

I'd take the children with you rather than leaving them with your alcohol dependent parents. Do you think both of them are alcoholic?. Alcoholism is no respecter of class and cuts across all boundaries.

Would you want to stay with them nowadays for any length of time let alone 5 days; if that answer is no then I would not leave the children with them. Its not worth it; safety considerations are a real concern here and what if there was an emergency of some sort either with them or the children?.

Your children will undoubtedly hear your parents shout at each other and perhaps even blame themselves for their grandparents troubles.

How does your DDs school encourage friendships?. You put a Confused emoticon after writing "she's just unique" - why did you write that?. How do you know she is on no spectrum whatsoever?.

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totallyskint · 15/04/2012 11:46

No no no, don't leave your dc with their grandparents.

Your instinct is telling you no and you need to listen to it.

Yes they'll "be alright" if your definition of alright is alive and appearing normal, but it just cannot be good enough for them to be in a toxic atmosphere for five days.

Take the children with you.

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amillionyears · 15/04/2012 11:53

Is it worth considering your DD change schools to the one her friend is in?
There may be others more like her in the other school?

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HoudiniHissy · 15/04/2012 14:33

When children are raised in an abusive home, even if the rows are only when they are asleep, they still, somehow absorb it. If your gut is telling you that you don't want to do this, then DON'T

Trust your instincts. Take them with you. You will need to see what there is to do for them as well.

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Dozer · 15/04/2012 14:48

Another vote for not leaving the DC, one of you could do the househunt alone and provide info for the other. Not worth the risks IMO.

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Dozer · 15/04/2012 14:49

A family member is similar and would only ever rely on them in an absolute emergency.

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scummymummy · 15/04/2012 15:02

Do the grandparents adore the kids?

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HoudiniHissy · 15/04/2012 15:11

I'd also say that the parents have always been toxic, it's just that ONLY NOW you are noticing OP.

We are conditioned to believe that our parents love us, that they would always want the best for us and would be there for us no matter what.

Sadly, I've learned that this is not the case. It's almost impossible for us to imagine that our parents are flawed until the proof is overwhelming.

Same with GP.

How would these GP get your children to safety/hospital etc if anything untoward happened.

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