Problems with my boyfriends mother

[hugsandbutterflies]

Me and dp have been together for four years and his mum has never liked me. She just never made an effort to get to know me. I've been finding it very difficult to get over. She makes everything into a drama and about herself. I'll start from the begining .
Me and dp met when we were 18, we hit it off and started going out after working together for two months. He lived quite far from me so he spent alot of time at my dads, we couldnt go to his because his mum didnt want us to be alone together incase we got up to anything. I found this quite weird but never said anything as i know my parents gave me a lot more freedom than most.
I moved into my own flat 6 months later and dp moved in with me. We went over to his parents every second or third sunday for lunch. It was awful. They didnt really speak to me, just basic like weather or work. His mum would argue with him over anything and everything. He doesnt like his mum (i think he hates her tbh) but wants to see his dad and brother so puts up with her.
I got pregnant after we had been together almost a year, she seemed ok with it but soon started saying stuff about me behind my back, dp never really told me what was said but i cant imagine it was nice. dp had some money in a savings account that he needed her to access so we could buy stuff for the baby. This time i heard her on the phone telling him its not for the baby its for him to spend on himself. he got angry and they fell out because he wanted to buy stuff for the baby as i had bought lots and my family had got alot of stuff too. They made up and she made him buy a huge tv with the money.
Shortly after that my mum managed to get dp an interview for a really good job that he was very excited about, he told his mum and she said, "i dont think you are smart enough for that, you should stay in your min wage job". dp was upset as he just wanted them to be proud of him and happy for us. he took the job and has got on really well.
Shes done lots of horrible things to dp, like leaving him stranded with no phone or money because he wouldnt do what she wants. She puts him down all the time, says his stupid and nasty to her. She turns everything into a drama. Shes always asking why we dont come over, why i dont like her.
Fast forward and i gave birth to our second child two weeks before xmas. We had left everything last minute as we were a bit strapped for cash after getting a big bill. We went present shopping the week before xmas and i picked stuff for my family and dp picked for his, it was very stressful as i was still very sore after the birth, looking after a newborn and toddler and we dont drive. Dp went round with the kids on boxing day to give presents and when she opened hers she threw a fit. It wasnt the slippers she wanted, not good enough and all my fault. She cryed and screamed and stormed round the house saying awful things about me infront of the kids. when dp got back we descided we want nothing to do with her and informed his dad that she was not to call or come to the house. Shes very angry about this, doesnt know what shes done and his dad keeps asking us to talk to her as she crys all the time and is very upset about the whole thing. They still see the kids every week and i have never been rude or nasty to them but our lives are better now we dont have to deal with her.
They are coming over tomorrow as they want to sort things, but i tried to be her friend for over 3 years and im done. I dont know what they are going to say or what i should say as i really dont want a fight. I just feel ambushed and i dont want to try anymore.
All i can think about is them coming over tomorrow and im dreading it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would cancel any meeting. My guess is that tomorrow will not go at all well for you and your partner. This will not be sorted in an afternoon, if at all. I would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward. Your man should read Toxic Parents written by the same author.

What his mother has done is par for the course for all dysfunctional toxic parents. Emotionally well adjusted and reasonable people do not act like his mother has done.

They will not bring anything at all positive into your childrens' lives and you have been more than reasonable. You need to draw a line in the sand now. I would just reiterate that you have not caused her to act like this, her own birth family did that and she may well be narcissistic in terms of personality. It seems that unfortunately as in many such cases of familial dysfunction, his Dad is a bystander who is acting primarily out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. I would not feel too sorry for your partner's father, he is a weak man.

You and your P need to present a united front with regards to these people and your man also needs to stand firm. Boundaries will need by both of you to be raised even higher. It may well come to going no contact with any of these people.

[ifeelloved]

Oh god what a nightmare. Nothing constructive to add but best of luck!

[Doha]

There is nothing to sort out here. She had her chance.
Any meeting will result in you having to back down and submit yourself DP and DC's to more of her obnoxious behaviour..

Cancel the meeting NOW

[hugsandbutterflies]

Thanks for the advice, its really helping.
Ive spoke to dp, and said i dont think its a good idea. He agrees but thinks we should try speaking about it with them tomorrow so that we can say we tried to make up. I think hes forgot how bad things were when we had to deal with her. I dont know why she even wants to make up because from what ive seen, she doesnt even like him.
I'll try speak to him later as hes gone to calm down now. I feel bad for him as he cant seem to tell them how he feels and as much as i would love to just tell them to go away i prefer we make a joint decision.

[clam]

The trouble with them coming to you is that it'll be hard to end the row conversation when you feel it's gone too far. You'll be captive in your own home, AND you might feel invaded by them.
I would object to being "informed" that I had to talk about something if I preferred not to.
But, if you really feel that you can't get out if it, be very clear in your own mind what you want to say, and what you want to come from it. Remember to stay very calm, however provoked you feel, and leave the room if necessary. Try and get childcare for the dcs.
Good luck.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you can be the bigger person by holding out the olive branch. She has behaved badly but, for a lot of women, no woman is good enough for their son. She will have seen you as the person that 'took him away' when he was just a kid, spent his money and tied him down with a couple of kids. Not logical or rational but that's how some of them think.

She's now realised - I would think - that she has made a massive mistake and that, if she wants a relationship with her son's family, she needs to compromise. On your turf you absolutely call the shots and not stand for any hysterical crap. Make it clear that the name-calling, put-downs, drama-queen stuff etc. have to stop and hold out 'access to grandchildren' as the sanction if they don't agree. She will listen.

When it comes to in-laws, I think it's better to have them in your tent pissing out than keep them outside the tent pissing in..... Your DP will be happier if they have some kind of controlled/managed relationship on your terms and, in the context of your own relationship, that shouldn't be underestimated. Being estranged from parents - being asked to choose between partner or parents - puts a huge strain on marriages.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You have been more than reasonable, what have they really done here to mend fences? Nothing as far as I can tell. They should be holding out an olive branch to you but its their way or no way as far as they are concerned. Compromise with difficult toxic relations like this is not possible as they undermine any attempt to solve issues. She has not listened to her son before so she is very unlikely to listen to you both now.

They won't sort things out tomorrow; meeting you in your home only gives her more power and control along with the opportunity to further undermine you both as parents and as individuals. She will likely rant and rave and cry at the alleged injustices of it all and his Dad will sit there all quiet only speaking up to defend his wife. He is a bystander in this acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. His mother has behaved appallingly towards her son now your partner over the years, small wonder he has now had enough of her but only puts up with her so he can still have a relationship with his Dad and brother. He is very torn but his primary loyalty needs to be to you and his own family unit now.

[hugsandbutterflies]

Well me and dp spoke last night and decided not to have them over today. He called his dad to tell them not to come over and his dad shouted at him and demanded that speak to me today or he will make our lives hard. I just want peace. So they will be over soon it seems.

[Doha]

That is them starting already--threats!!!
Why did you and your DP back down, you have just made a rod or your own backs. No good can come of this. They are NOT going to be reasonable, it will be all your fault etc

I am now worried for you both.

[HoudiniHissy]

OMG, this is them trying to sort things out?

No it's not.

This is them trying to regain control.

Normal people will NOT come over anyway, they will respect your wishes.

It took a lot for your DP to say NO again to them, and they are not listening to him, or you.

I'd refuse to open the door if that was me, I'd go OUT.

[HoudiniHissy]

Oh and this is not a problem with you BF's mother, this appears to be his DAD too.

Trust your instincts. Don't let them bully you.

[pumpkinsweetie]

I feel for you ,i have toxic inlaws op, read some of my threads and you will see why.
The thing is things will never change in my case but i wish you well with your meeting.

[Anniegetyourgun]

You are two adults - have been, legally, since you were 18 - you even have children of your own now. You do not have to do what your parents tell you.

[clam]

Go out! Run away, far far away.
Yes you are grownups, but run away anyway.

[clam]

Failing that, make a list, quick, of everything YOU want to come of this, plus all the ways you've tried to be pleasant over the years. Be prepared.

[hugsandbutterflies]

They got here just as I finished my last post. Dp went out to tell them to leave and when I opened the door to let him back in his dad followed. He was shouting and sayin I was rude and gave me a list of all the awful things I've done like answering my phone when I'm at their house and not giving dps mum an Xmas card. (she did get a card but our 1 year old pulled it off the present). I asked him to stop shouting and was told I'm a hypocrite because I was shouting to, but I had no choice as I couldn't defend myself when he was ranting at me. He wanted to tall things over but every time is said something he said I was lying. I can't believe how aggressive he was, I was quite scared actually. He left 10min ago and dps not speaking to me because I've made everything worse. I'm crying and have this awful feeling in my stomach, seems I have made everything worse, but I didnt stand a chance.

[Dee03]

This isn't going to end well.
I agree with all the others, detach yourselves from his parents, they are toxic.

[clam]

Your dp is not speaking to you?????!!!!! Well he needs a good slap too then!

Let him calm down and talk later. Hopefully he'll apologise and acknowledge your impossible position.

Sorry it turned out this way - although it was bound to really, wasn't it? You tried to avoid it.

[clam]

Also, I'd put a stop to your dcs spending any time with them until they've apologised, too.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Omg this sounds just like my mothers day when my fil turned up and ranted infront of me, my H and kids.
Do not speak to them until he apolgises as that is what i did!
The only difference in your situation is that my H was on my side that time-cannot believe your dp isnt talking to you!
Since the day a simular situation happened to me my fil did apologise but he took nearly three weeks to do it!!
Things are ok now but my Hs parents are still demanding and sulky and awkard and tbh i think they have a hold over my h

[exoticfruits]

They sound toxic. I think that you will just have to distance yourselves.

[JustHecate]

You do not have to have them in your life. You do not have to allow them into your children's lives.

[exoticfruits]

I think that I would write them a short letter saying that you have tried your best for 3 years and it obviously wasn't good enough-you can't go on like it and if they want to treat you like an adult you are willing to let bygones be bygones and start again, but that you don't 'do drama' -or words to that effect.

[RabidAnchovy]

So your DP is not talking to you because his father came in to your home and let rip at you, bloody hell, tell him to piss off home back to mummy till he grows up and make it clear you will be having nothing to do with his parents ever again

[Dee03]

What is your dh problem????
What a numpty!!