I'm done, I have had enough

[TooManyOddSocks]

Married for 5years been together for 9years. I think I am finally done. We have no relationship, no laughs, no sex. We went to relate lst year, counsellor suggested DH had aspergers, DH was open to this, we both felt it made a lot of sense. But since then, nothing has changed. I will try and list what i consider the main flaws

• he is short tempered with the DC ~(2 between us and 1 from my previous relationship)
  
• no plans no discussions for the future. Every year I say to him that we need to budget throu;ghout the year for christmas birthday car maintenance etc and he agrees but then that is it.
  No desire to to do anything or go anywhere or improve the house (no matter how cheaply)
  we don't have joint finances, i'm a sahm so not much money coming in (DS1 dad died last year so no maintenance anymore) DH will give me any money I ask for, but I have to ask for it.
  little conversation, and what conversation/discussion we do have, he never* asks me my thoughts or opinions, eg what do you think? isn't that awful/interesting?
  
• I am bored with my life and am drinking too much and putting on too much weight. It is a concern to me yet he won't help me address it. it is like he has no standards and doesn't care as long as the status quo continues.
  
• I feel trapped, this is his house, mortgage in his name, I have nothing.
  on the plus side (because I want to be fair~) he adores me and the DC, would support me in anything (as long as I was the one initiating anything) if I told him to do XYZ he would, but I want him to want to do it.
  God I sound like a bitch don't I?

[puds11]

Hi socks, sorry your feeling like this. I think the thing you have to consider the most is whether you're happy or not? If the answer is no, then i think its time to do something about it.
I'm sorry i'm not much use, but i didn't want to leave your post unanswered.
And no you dont sound like a bitch.

[Gumby]

Do you love him?

[Proudnscary]

What did you see in him in the first place?

Was he always like this?

Was it, to put it bluntly, a rebound relationship?

[ledkr]

He sounds depressed will he see gp?

[lisad123]

I don't understand really, but then I live with 2 girls with Asd (not happy that someone from relate suggested Asd to you for dh, they are not specialist and the dx process is long and complex).
He will do anything you ask of him, but it's just the fact you have to ask that you have had enough of?
I get it's very having to ask, but if you did it would be better than to throw it all away. Some people just don't do forward planning and struggle to see others issues.

[alienreflux]

i feel like this with my oh sometimes, and recently rang my mum and told her i would be moving back up to where she lives, i couldn't do it anymore. then oh got in from work and i let him have it, all of it, had written a list the night before just to clear my head, as can forget it all when faced with him, so i knew what i wanted to say. he wasn't as shocked as i thought, and he'd also been fed up. since then we have both made a real effort and things have improved enough for now. all im saying is, have you spelled out to him how unhappy you are? figure out what you can live with (some things are just the way he is!) and the things you cant. also, sounds to me like your a bit frustrated in your own life, he cant be all things to you, and cant make you happy with yourself. if you need to lose weight thats a great place to start, only you can do it! best of luck ;)

[maleview70]

Not really his job to help you cut down drinking and lose weight. That is one you need to address.

Being on your own with no money and no house isn't going to be easier.

You need to make it clear to him that you are on the verge of calling it a day unless things improve. It might not be enough though. It's difficult to change people.

[maleview70]

Easy.

[TooManyOddSocks]

No I am not happy at the moment. Yes I love him, but things are at crisis point now, where I know love isn't enough.
No it wasn't a rebound relatiosnhip.
Ledkr I met him 6 months after he was discharged after recieving ECT, he is still on medication now.
He is not unkind, more thoughtless, gah that sounds wrong. He is gutted if i point out that he has hurt someones feelings but he doesn't actually "get it" if that makes sense.

[lisad123]

Maybe he doesn't want to say about your drinking or weight gain for fear of upsetting you.
Have you ask if you can take care of money so you can plan improvements in house, book holidays ect

[TooManyOddSocks]

lisad I understand what you say. DH has said himself that it makes sense re the aspergers, he is a psychiatric nurse and feels that what he has read about aspergers made a lot of sense to him. The lady at relate was fab and certainly didn't foist her opinions on us, was a theory that DH then picked up on and made a lot of sense to him and me.
Maleview - absolutely agree with you re my own issues. I think we were drawn to each other because we both had similiar (but unusual) experiences at a young age and it has shaped our future relationships.

[TooManyOddSocks]

Alien Yes I have told him explicitly how I feel, it just doesn't seem to go in. He is socially awkward so has very few friends (that I haven't met) so our social life revolves around me sorting things out, arranging things. He wants more friends, and he is a good kind man, but he struggles to make friends and talk to people so it is awkward when we do socialise. He makes inapproprite references to people then talks over them and makes joke after joke about a conversation even though the chat moved on 10minutes ago.

[TooManyOddSocks]

God I sound awful and I am making him out to be awful and he isn't.

[lifeisfuckinggreat]

Hi Toomany, I can totally relate to everything you're saying. I believe my husband has undiagnosed Aspergers / ASD while my son has been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. it makes for an interesting and sometimes frustrating life. Perhaps taking the lead and boundary setting is difficult to your husband and that leaves it all down to you. Your husband probably has no idea how he can make things better.
Can I tell you how how I manage? I look for support from other places apart from my husband. I speak to friends, I go to professionals, I post here!
It sounds like you need the support at the moment to pick apart what is you and what is him. You need to reset the boundaries between you both.
I try and accept my husband for what he can give me, rather than be endlessly frustrated by what he can't. I've been where you are and things can change and improve.
I don't think I'm being particularly clear because I relate so much there's so much I want to say! Please feel free to private message me..

[TooManyOddSocks]

lifeis you have just made me weep. You are right, he has no idea how to make things better. He had something awful happen in his life when he was 10 and since then I don't think he has any experience of how to chat normally to the DC or be, well, just friendly to others.
We both have our own issues, and I want us to work together but he seems satisfied with a less than ok marriage rather than having a good marriage, not because he doesn't care more that I think he doesn't want to delve too deeply incase we split up (he has been married before and is shit scared of going through that again). It just seems to be in every aspect of his life, as long as things are "almost ok" then that is good enough.
I don't know. I don't even know if that made any sense. I don't know if I make sense anymore.

[TooManyOddSocks]

Thankyou lifeis I may well PM you, everything seems so confused at the moment.

[lifeisfuckinggreat]

Been having lots of weeps today myself. It's my birthday and my son (aged 8) completely ignored it and my husband stood around aimlessly not knowing what to do.
Do you think that your husband actually thinks things through, that a thought process happens? Do you think that its fear that stops him or an inability to act?
I sometimes wonder whether my husband thinks things through on an emotional level. He just seems to think on a practical, logical level only and emotions flummox him. He has a permanently puzzled look on his face.

I had to laugh when I read your response to Alien, you've just described my husband perfectly, particularly making jokes about a conversation that moved on 10 minutes ago! In fact get me on a bad day with my husband and it could have been me saying exactly the things you've been saying.
Your husband doesn't sound awful at all but he does sound as though he has limitations, with what he can give you and his DC.

I borrowed a book called Aspergers in love. It's a book interviewing people in relationships with Aspie adults. Whether or not my husband has a diagnosis is immaterial. I read the book and I was finally able to understand my husband in way I couldn't before. I was also able to forgive him and separate the Aspergers traits from the rest of him. I can take a step back from it all now and even laugh about how I ended up living in a slightly alternate universe. I would recommend reading up about Aspergers in adults, you may find it liberating.

Ultimately I've had to accept that all decisions, events, social life, boundaries and family rules will come from me. Its tiring and it pisses me off but in some ways it's been a gift. It's made me strong and independent. If he upsets me I tell him, explain why I'm upset and then I move on and let it go.

If you chose to stay then you will need to forgive him the things that he can't give you and find other ways to get the support you need. You can only do that by having clear boundaries between you both.
It doesn't mean settling for less than ok but it does mean that you will have to implement the changes to improve things.
I hope this helps. X

[TooManyOddSocks]

lifeisfuckinggreat Hope your birthday improved.
I think DH tries to act the way he thinks he should act, the way he imagines others would react, but it all feels very forced.
Relate suggested "The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome". DH is half way through it and said so much of it makes sense to him. I have flicked trhough it and it is accurate in so many ways. I will look up the book you suggested too.
I just feel at the end of my tether with it all.
Your post was very helpful, thankyou. The thought that if I don't do something about this makes me so depressed because I know I will end up resentful. But why should it be all down to me? Why doesn't he want tobe happy too? He just seems to settle for "barely ok".
Sorry for the rambling, crap night sleep and crap weekend.
Thanks again.