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Relationships

1st year of marriage is not what I expected

69 replies

justtryingtodomybest · 09/04/2012 21:07

After being single for a (very) long time, I got married for the first time last year. DH is divorced (long before I met him) and has 3 teenage DSs from his first marriage. They don't live with us but visit fairly often.

I always knew that there might be issues along the way as we were both used to being on our own and doing our own thing. But I feel like I'm the only one who has made any compromises.

DH does very little to nothing around the house. After a significant amount of nagging prompting, he will do some things but only certain tasks - he has never cleaned the toilet or put a washing on, for example. We both work full time so I think the household tasks should be split equally.

I earn more than DH so when we moved in together we agreed a split of the household expenses based on what we each earn. He gives me money every week but refuses to set up a standing order for this and insists on giving me cash. And then he'll say things like "Here's your money" or "I forgot to get your money today". I know it's very pedantic of me but I feel the need to point out to him that it's not my money - it's his share of the household bills. The house and all the bills are in my name - he wouldn't even know which supplier we're with for utilities or anything.

There have been a few issues with one DSS in particular. He brought friends back to the house when we were away despite being specifically told not to. He also brought his girlfriend back at 3am one night even though we'd said she wasn't to stay over. Household items were broken when his friends were round but we were never given an apology or offered any money to replace the items. I have asked DH to address this more than once but he constantly avoids the issue.

He is obsessed with the TV and sport in particular and will spend hours watching it in the evenings and at weekends. He won't even turn off the TV if he leaves the room to do something else - even if he's going out to the shop! He will watch any old rubbish rather than turning it off which makes any kind of conversation extremely difficult.

We sleep in separate rooms most of the time. DH has to be up very early for work and says I disturb him with all my "faffing about" when I come to bed (that is taking off my make-up, brushing my teeth etc.). There is very little physical contact in our relationship at all. Since we met I have gone up a dress size (to a size 16 so not totally ridiculous) and he has made it quite clear that he's not happy about that.

I feel more like a housekeeper than a wife. This isn't what it should be like, is it?

(Sorry for the length of this post - once I started typing, I couldn't stop!)

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eggtimer · 09/04/2012 21:09

Sorry, but no, it isn't.

Have you considered counselling?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 21:11

Anyone who opens with the phrase 'married for the first time'... knows it's all been a bit of a mistake.

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YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 09/04/2012 21:11

Sorry, but no, it shouldn't be like that. Sleeping in separate rooms so early in a marriage tends to be a very worrying sign IMO, especially if combined with little physical contact at other times.

Did you live together before you were married? Presumably not from what you say?

He sounds very controlling over money, and expecting to do little or nothing around the house (what did he do when he lived alone?).

Have you considered counselling?

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Groovee · 09/04/2012 21:12

Why not get a a joint account which the bills come out off? They do say the first year is the hardest. I do think you need to talk and if not maybe counselling would be a good idea.

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QuintessentialShadows · 09/04/2012 21:12

No this is not right. Where is the love from him in this?

I am sorry, but it seems to me that your husband has laid the golden egg, a woman with a good salary, and a house!

Would you consider divorce? After only one year, I assume he will not have much claim on your house.

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discrete · 09/04/2012 21:14

Christ he has it cushy!

You make more than him AND you do everything for him?

What do you get out of it?

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ZZZenAgain · 09/04/2012 21:15

what are you getting out of this marriage?

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justtryingtodomybest · 09/04/2012 21:17

Don't mean to drip feed but should also have said, I am on ADs because of this. DH is aware of this but has never asked how I'm feeling or if there's anything he can do to help. I have also been for counselling on my own but didn't even mention it given his reaction to the ADs.
When I said "married for the first time" I only meant to show that this is new to me - not that I'm already thinking there's going to be another time!

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legoballoon · 09/04/2012 21:17

That 'first year is the hardest' is crap, and probably dates from the time when your father passed you over to your husband at the altar, and you had to get your head round being at some other man's beck and call.

IMHE, if your marriage is making you unhappy in the first year (unless you have unforeseen health/ financial / employment type issues), it's not going to improve much. If your partner is up for counselling and shows some willingness to compromise, explore that avenue. If not, I'd be looking for a solicitor.

Also as another poster has intimated, the separate rooms thing doesn't exactly point to a passionate physical relationship, which can sometimes (in the short to medium term) paste over the cracks.

Sorry to be so blunt, but having been in similar circumstances, I don't really believe that you can change people's fundamental behaviour and attitudes.

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legoballoon · 09/04/2012 21:21

Justtryingtodomybest - really sorry if that sounded harsh. Just want you to know unequivocally that you are not being unreasonable in expecting more from your marriage/relationship. If there had been MN 15 years ago, I would never have put up with so much crap for so long. I had no way of asking my friends 'is this normal?' At least you can ask about this anonymously and discreetly here. Good luck.

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NoMoreMarbles · 09/04/2012 21:22

what was your relationship like before marriage? the first year of marriage is supposed top be the hardest but it does all depend on how your relationship was before. when DH and I married, things didnt change. things he did that pissed me off pre-marriage, still pissed me off post marriage IYSWIM

you need to sit down and talk to him...your idea of even split bills chores etc is how i see it and even if DH doesnt agree, dont back down...its 2012 not 1912, you are working full time and paying your own way...if he wants you as his housekeeper, start invoicing him (joke btwWink)

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justtryingtodomybest · 09/04/2012 21:24

legoballoon - no it didn't sound harsh at all. Probably just reinforced what I already know

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Almostfifty · 09/04/2012 21:33

Sounds dreadful really.

You seem to be doing everything while he does nothing.

If you decide you want to keep trying, set up a separate account for bills in both names and sort it from there.

Oh, and get a cleaner!

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joanofarchitrave · 09/04/2012 21:34

How long were you together before you married? What did you love about him when you met, when you married?

You're on ADs - it sounds as if you blame him, or at least your marriage, for the depression. Do you

Nothing says that you have to sleep in the same room or live in the same house to be successfully married. But it sounds as if you are feeling forced apart by the way your dh is behaving, so that it's not a positive choice to have your own space. That does not bode well.

I don't think it's impossible that you can find each other again. Do you want to?

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legoballoon · 09/04/2012 21:34

justtryingtodomybest, IME coming to a decision is the hardest bit. I suppose you could sit down and try to bash out some sort of 'contract' with your OH... air all your grievances, put down what you agree in writing, try to do things differently. But give it a date to review if things have improved, and don't feel like a failure if you decide that divorce is the right thing for you. At the end of the day, you get one life only - don't p*ss it away waiting for someone to change.

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AnnieLobeseder · 09/04/2012 21:43

If he's treating you like is personal cash machine and housekeeper, and you're in separate room in the first year, there are very serious issues going on here. Do you want to stay in this marriage? I'm guessing you don't if it continues like this.

I suggest counselling. If he doesn't agree, you will know that he's quite happy, doesn't care that you aren't and you won't ever get him to change. That will be your answer as to how much he really cares about you.

This is why people should always live together first, IMO.

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helpyourself · 09/04/2012 21:45

How old are you op? I'm sorry, I can't see anything in your post that would suggest staying.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/04/2012 21:47

So in a nutshell he's a lazy, boring, middle-aged bloke, inanimate in the bedroom, ineffective as a father, penny-pinching, calls you fat and is insensitive about you needing anti-depressants. Does he have any good points because they're not exactly leaping off the page?

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justtryingtodomybest · 09/04/2012 21:49

helpyourself - I'm in my early 40s

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mrsmplus3 · 09/04/2012 21:50

Our 1st yr of marriage was awful too- different problems from yours but equally not right. However we talked and talked and worked on ourselves and things got so much better.
We want it to work so badly because we do love each other and we love our children and family life. For us, it is very worth working through. You need to find what makes you both tick, what's your long term goals etc. You must know why you married him? But if there is no real love or respect there or shared dreams/goals it's going to be an uphill struggle. All the best.

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gingermcflea · 09/04/2012 21:54

Sounds like my marriage. Unfortunately I was stupid enough to stay and have two children with a man like this. It took years to get out and now I'm stuck dealing with him as an XH for years to come.
No emotional support. Me doing everything at home, as well as working and earning more. After a while I 'became a nag' who 'didn't understand' that he just wanted a quiet (ie easy) life and to be left alone to do whatever he wanted. Men like this always need their sleep and like to nap a lot. He refused to acknowledge anything wrong with his behavior. And I was increasingly dismissed as unhinged for claiming he was not a good enough husband. Afterall, he didn't hit or cheat on me, did he?
I gained 3 stone, which I still haven't lost. Developed crippling anxiety and drifted in and out of depression in a marriage with this 'nice man'.
I feel you, OP. I doubt he can change because he'll have no interest in doing so, but I hope for your sake something changes. You can't live in a marriage like this.

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GirlsInWhiteDresses · 09/04/2012 21:56

I presume he lived alone all these years so knows where the washing machine is and how to clean a toilet! He is doing nothing because he gets away with it. I would sit down with him and agree to divide jobs - i.e. bathrooms, you; garden, him etc. Failing that, would a cleaner be out of the question?

It sounds very early for the physical side to have died down so quickly. I think I would consider counselling tbh. Good luck

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helpyourself · 09/04/2012 21:57

Where do you see yourselves in the future? Have you got plans?

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Angelico · 09/04/2012 22:00

Sorry but this really does not sound normal or healthy. I think you know that yourself. If you love your H then consider counselling but I think you know yourself you've made a mistake. If that's the case, please don't waste your life with this man - you know you only get one!

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DinahMoHum · 09/04/2012 22:16

are you saying you didnt live together first?
Or didnt discuss anything or know what each other were like before you got married?

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