Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Life after separation.

(4 Posts)
andwhatnow Sat 07-Apr-12 11:58:24

Excuse my ramblings, but I am interested in the experiences of others after separation/divorce. I left my husband just over a year ago after being with him for 17 years (since I was 17). We have one daughter who is eleven. My husband was a good man and didn’t want to separate but to me, he had become like a brother. After lots of counselling and soul searching, I made the decision to leave (and we share custody of our daughter). It has been hard and scary and sometimes lonely but I have no regrets as I know I didn’t love him as I should and couldn’t pretend to do so for the rest of my life. Towards the end of our marriage I also developed very strong feelings for someone else (although never acted on them) which obviously made me feel very guilty and sad. Anyway, fast forwarding on, I am feeling somewhat vulnerable and a little confused about who I am now. To complicate matters, after my marriage ended, I also ended any possibility of a relationship with the man I developed feelings for very harshly and quickly, I think because at the time, I just couldn’t cope with it. I feel that was the best thing to do, although, do sometimes wonder what might have been. Also, a couple of months after splitting from my husband I did (completely out of the blue) meet someone who has become a very very good friend. He too is recently out of a long relationship and neither of us have any desire to commit BUT we have become emotionally close.

Basically I am explaining this because I feel sometimes very vulnerable emotionally, as though I need to truly get back on an even emotional keel in my life. My ‘friend’ is due to work away for a bit soon which will obviously give me time completely alone and deep down, I do wonder if I should even break ties with him now. I will admit that I would find that scary although in other ways I am a very independent person. I completely financially support myself and daughter and have a good career. I guess I am the sort of person that people look upon from the outside as being very strong and always ok but inside I’m not 100 percent. I know there are no quick fixes, but I would just be interested to hear anybody else’s stories after separation and what people did to ‘restore’ themselves. I feel all sorts of emotions including guilt at ending my marriage and I know this takes time to heal but I don’t know how. Hope this makes sense. Thanks for reading.

gettingeasier Sat 07-Apr-12 12:19:51

Hi a short answer as to how I am restoring myself post the end of my 17 year marriage is by avoiding any relationships with men.

I realised that at 45yo I have spent my entire adult life in a relationship and always allowed it to dominate my life

By being on my own rebuilding my life with my 2 teenage DC I am slowly but surely becoming gettingeasier again simply by it only being me iyswim?

msshapelybottom Sat 07-Apr-12 14:28:44

I can relate to your post OP, and gettingeasier - I have been separated for more than 3 years now and only now beginning to feel on more of an even keel emotionally.

I have pushed someone away where there was a mutual attraction and at the time I couldn't fathom my behaviour, but looking back I can see I just wasn't ready to be involved with anyone again. I realised I had to get to know who I was, without any distractions. Figure out what I wanted, what makes me tick etc. Something I have avoided doing my entire adult life!

The process of trying to put together the pieces of my new life, along with finances and all the rest of it, has been the most challenging thing I've ever had to face up to. Parenting without emotional support is something I find so difficult at times and being single has forced me to find strength I wasn't sure I had. I think now that I am over the worst of the really tough times and I can actually start to see possibilities in the future, whereas before most of my energy was going into simply getting through each day.

Sorry, bit of a ramble! You'll know when you are in the right place to be with someone I think. I think I'm almost there myself - I feel different recently - less afraid, looking back at the past with a wry smile rather than hurt.

The only thing I've done to "restore" myself has been being by myself. Anything else would just have delayed the process of moving forward, you know?

JessicaLuis232 Sat 03-Sep-16 07:39:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now