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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

If my h can't love me then its hard to love myself

43 replies

bumbums · 04/04/2012 22:57

I don't know if my h has fallen out of love with me or if he's suffering with depression.

I can see that he might be depressed but I can also see that it could well be that he's simply fallen out of love with me.

I seem to have bought a pack of ciggarettes. And the past few days, once the kids are in bed and I've had a drink I want a cigarette.

The last time I was a smoker I was a wild teen who didn't care about her body.

I can see how there is nothing wrong with me and that I'm very loveable. But my dh doesn't appear to love me and its been this way noteably for at least 18mths.

I'm living a miserable life. punctuated by the joys that children bring.

How can you tell if your h is depressed or just doeesn't want to be married to you anymore?

OP posts:

Report

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:10

No?

OP posts:

Snowsister · 04/04/2012 23:12

Speak to him. Tell him how you feel. See what he says?

Smurfy1 · 04/04/2012 23:14

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

I mainly just want to send you a massive hug and remind you that you need to love you first and if he didnt want to be with you im pretty sure 18 months later he wouldnt be x does he have a tough job etc

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:14

He didn't say that he loved me. He talked about what the senario would be if we separated. He's so in love with our children.

OP posts:

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:16

He does have a demanding executive job.

OP posts:

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:16

He said he would put up with anything just to see the kids twice a day and weekends.

OP posts:

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 23:18

Basing your entire self-worth on how another person feels about you is a very bad idea

You don't have to do that, OP. You can decide that you are worth more than this half-relationship and take steps to change it.

If he wants to go, let him. Why would you want to hang on to someone who doesn't love and can't be arsed to respect you ?

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 23:19

what has his "demanding executive job" to do with it ?

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:19

Because of the children??? I don't know...

OP posts:

VanderElsken · 04/04/2012 23:19

I don't want to upset you further, you poor thing, it sounds like you're low but you must consider the likely possibility that there is someone else involved. All people tend to lie about this when confronted so his response to the question will be pretty much useless to you. Listen to your instincts. If you have felt his detachment for the length of time and now he talks about separation it may well be that someone has been having an affair of some kind with him. This can be conducted electronically a lot so the 'when would he have the time/ factor is not always relevant. This is not your fault, if so. And nothing for you to feel ashamed about. As you say, you are loveable. Dig around. Be nice to yourself.

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 23:20

how will living with a man that doesn't respect their mother be good for your children ?

solidgoldbrass · 04/04/2012 23:20

Suggest that he moves out for a while, as you don't want to provide all the home comforts and ego-stroking for a man who doesn't appear to appreciate that you are a human being.

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:22

In a way it would be easier if he was having an affair. At least then I could chop his nuts off.
But right now he won't confirm what he wants to do. I hope that he'll go to counselling.

OP posts:

VanderElsken · 04/04/2012 23:33

You sound like you're being very passive about the situation, perhaps through sadness of maybe because you're used to being more passive in the relationship generally. I know it's scary but you can force this if you want, it's you who's been unloved for over a year. You will need to start being active not reactive. If he 'doesn't know' that's not really good enough is it. Who or what is he waiting on?

Feel free to open up more if you want, there's nothing to be ashamed of. If he won't confirm what he wants to do and he seems depressed and detached, there's a good chance that at some point over the last eighteen months he has been cheating on you. That may not still be going on, in fact, the greatest depressions are often sunk into once an unfaithful partner has decided to end the affair or been dumped, and the poor spouse is left utterly confused and destroyed by the grey mood at home as the cheater goes through withdrawal.

I'm sorry if this sounds presumptuous but unless you're keen to clarify, this sounds like the beginning of quite a familiar script.

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 23:39

You look forward to him doing something dealbreaking

He won't tell you what he wants (from his comfy place on the sofa)

You hope he will consider counselling

It's not really a good plan, OP. It's the kind of inaction that will find you here 12 months from now, and he will still be an arse to you.

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:40

I have had no hint of an affair.

OP posts:

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:41

He is very loving to the children but it is like I am a ghost in the house most of the time.

OP posts:

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:44

He criticises me on my house keeping and on how I deal with the kids. We've bearly touched and certainly had no sex for at least 14mths.

If there were no children involved we'd have split up months ago.

OP posts:

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:45

He's got till the end of the year to get me back.

OP posts:

VanderElsken · 04/04/2012 23:45

Why don't you ask him if he's depressed or doesn't want to be married to you anymore? Are you frightened of him or what he'll say? What's the history of the relationship? With your veils and sadness, lovely, you are beginning to sound ghost-like yourself.

EggyFucker · 04/04/2012 23:47

Is he trying to "get you back" ?

if not, it seems an empty sort of promise to yourself

pinkyp · 04/04/2012 23:47

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VanderElsken · 04/04/2012 23:49

Can I ask what sort of age you and he are and how long you've been together?
Does he spend time away from the family? Lots of men have affairs or casual sex and hide it perfectly. I know I sound obsessive but if you've not had sex for that long and he's detached from you and talking about separation the relationship has to be pretty bad. Has it been pretty bad?

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:49

I asked him. He wanted to discuss what would happen if we did split up. He wanted to talk about the practicalities of separate house holds. How much he'd see the kids etc.

I said that surely the first thing to discuss is whether he loves me or not? And if he wants to make our marraige work?!

He said he can't think about fixing our marraige till he knows what the alternative to being maried is.

OP posts:

bumbums · 04/04/2012 23:51

We've been together since 2001 and married since 2005. I'm 32 and he's 38.

He's in London most weeks over night at least one night.

OP posts:

Flip

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