Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Need my mum

6 replies

Commutinghell · 03/04/2012 22:55

I just wondered if this was normal really. I've never had a great relationship with my mum. Over the last few years I've tried to do everything I could for her but she's just ended up resenting me more and more. I really feel like she hates me now, and this is the time when I need her the most, I'd love to be able to talk to her about my pregnancy and share it with her. I'd love for her to have a good relationship with her grandchild too. I just wondere if it was normal for a grandmother to be to feel resentful of her daughter being pregnant, and whether anyone has any tips on what I could do to rebuild the relationship. I do see her every week but I feel like she sees me out of obligation and hates being around me. Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:

Report

oikopolis · 03/04/2012 23:39

congratulations on your pregnancy.
here is a hug for you {{{{CH}}}}} you sound lovely and i am so sorry for the pain this is causing you.

can i suggest that you have this moved to Relationships? you will get more specific advice there about how to cope with your mum. the ladies there are really good, they don't pull punches but they can help.

to have it moved, just report your own post (click "report" and type a little message asking them to move it)

i have a nightmare family but have dealt with it by detaching from many of them completely. if you still want to stay in contact with your mum, i probably am not the most useful person, but i can hold you hand until someone cleverer comes along. x

Report

Commutinghell · 04/04/2012 09:22

Thanks so much for your support. I will get the thread moved

OP posts:

Report

KatMumsnet · 04/04/2012 09:40

Hi OP, we've moved this into Relationships for you now.

Report

Commutinghell · 04/04/2012 10:00

That's great, thank you

OP posts:

Report

foolonthehill · 04/04/2012 10:56

Feel for you Op. Congratulations on your baby!

The problem is that you can't change someone else, only yourself. It is not normal or right for your mother to feel so resentful, or to take out her frustrations on you, but it sounds like she has not been a "normal" mother ever to you.

In your childhood did you find that you were running around trying to please her, did you do stuff only to find that your achievements were all about her, did you feel invisible to her? Does every topic lead to a discussion of her needs, do you run around her "serving" her? As you have become a mature, resilient, independent young woman do you think she has felt more invisible and resentful of your life and opportunities?

If you answered yes to many of the above then I think your mother may have some problems all of her own, that whatever you do you cannot fix and unfortunately she may not choose to. Often the children of Narcissists (Narcissistic personality disorder) describe their relationship as you have above, and feel the failure of the relationship is their fault...but it is not, the relationship was faulty from the start and once the child becomes an individual the cracks show.

so sorry OP if this is the case. You may find the "stately homes thread" on relationships illuminating.

My solution is to love my mum unconditionally, but to find "substitute" older women for guidance and warmth...they are not my mum but they fill (in part)some of the gaps that she cannot.

Report

Commutinghell · 04/04/2012 11:02

Thank you. I will have a read of that thread. I think you're right, the relationship has always been about her, and about me trying (and failing) to please her, but I'm only now (aged 31!!!) realising that there's nothing I can do to please her and that maybe it's not my fault. Thank you for your help.x