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Can someone please help me make sense of my crazy thoughts please

8 replies

Reasonforbeing · 02/04/2012 08:55

I woke up this morning and cried for 15 minutes and now feel like crap again. I don't know if this is the right place to post but doesn't really fit anywhere else.

I have been off work for a few weeks with various health problems and am feeling pretty low but not particularly about the health thing. I have suffered from depression and am on ADs but am generally ok. I think being off work has not been good for me as I was housebound for a week and have been unable to go far.

As a result of spending loads of time on my own, my thoughts have been running away with me and I am struggling to get out of bed and want to cry most of the time. My thoughts are mostly based on looking at my life and losses I have had, particularly friends. I feel as if no-one cares about me. My dp has been brilliant but I am now becoming paranoid and think he is having an affair even though there is no evidence at all to suggest this - only my warped thinking that I have been cheated on by everyone else in my life and am guessing that he will too.

I have, over the last couple of years, lost two good friends. One friend who meant and still does mean a lot to me, I stopped contacting for a while as she was still in touch with my xh who was very abusive towards me (this was to do with our ds being friends). He made great efforts to be in touch with her because he knew it would hurt me. I did talk to her about it but she kept saying that it was only so that the boys could be in touch. I felt and feel such betrayal over this and have seen her a couple of times over the last year but there is a massive elephant in the room.

I can't go into great detail on the other friend as I don't want to out myself in RL. The problem was to do with my partner and a job where she works where he was treated very badly and became ill as a result. I tried to talk to her about it in a civil way and she just told me that he was not cut out for the job and had made some mistakes. This I accept but the way he was treated was dreadful by one particular individual, as no-one actually took the time to talk to him about anything and he was then let go. All I wanted from her was an acknowledgement that the way things were had made him ill and could have been handled differently. He is now on ADs as a result but is generally OK. I keep thinking of what I could have done differently here. There is more to it which I can't say.

So basically, I feel very low as we have no money, I hardly have any friends, which I feel is my fault, that I am not a worthy person to care about and I have no-one to talk to. I do have one very good friend but she is having problems of her own at the mo so I don't want to burden her with my crap.

I know I sound self-indulgent but life feels so nothing at the moment.

Please can someone talk to me so that I can get some perspective.

Sorry this is long. Thanks. x

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Reasonforbeing · 02/04/2012 09:32

Anyone? Please x

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/04/2012 09:34

I think you have to separate things out a little. If friends have let you down, you have health problems, housebound, no money etc. then those are tangible problems that can cause anyone to feel down. Tangible problems can either be dealt with practically or have to be endured best you can. If being off work has brought you low then getting back to work will give you a boost, for example. Friends that let you down are not worth being friends with.

Believing that you are not a worthy person to care about or life feeling like 'nothing' is far more intangible. So is the feeling that your very good friend wouldn't have time to talk about your problems. If you have issues with depression it will affect your personal perception making it difficult to find the strength to do something positive. For that reason, I would suggest going back to the GP and discussing your medication. Drugs can't solve problems in isolation..... but they can put you in the frame of mind to tackle the problems.

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TheMonster · 02/04/2012 09:37

You're in a low place. This will pass, I promise.

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Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 02/04/2012 09:38

Hello lovely

I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. I've found in the past when I'm feeling ill physically that it affects my mood too. It can't help being at home for a week, no wonder you've got thoughts whirling around your head.

Are you able to get out today? For a short walk perhaps? Do you have anyone you can phone for a short chat?

Big hugs to you xx

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Reasonforbeing · 02/04/2012 09:40

Thanks Cogito, Yes I agree that the tangible problems are ones that I need to start dealing with as best as I can. I will be returning to work soon so that's good.

I have always felt an unworthy person due to things that have happened to me in childhood and beyond. No matter what I do, I feel the same. I feel I should be running a marathon, doing charity work, making a difference to people's lives. Instead of sitting around on my arse with no direction. I look at other people who do so much with their lives and I don't have the motivation or the energy. Sick of looking at others and wishing I had a different life as there are many things I have in my life that are good. Why do I do this to myself? Can't stand being me sometimes.

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Reasonforbeing · 02/04/2012 09:42

Body, you are right, I'm sure it will pass. Thanks Sunny, yes I need to get out of the house today to protect my sanity! No-one to call to talk to today tbh. I feel so hurt about these two friends - I don't think they could care less.

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HalfPastWine · 02/04/2012 09:45

I have felt like this so don't feel like you're alone. Like Cognito said you need to separate the issues. It sounds like you're overwhelmed with lots of different aspects of your life.
Sometimes your hormones or medication can do this to you along with the fact that you've been physically ill. It all contributes to the mindset and can drag you down.
If you feel like crying then do so, let it out, it will feel like a relief.

If you can physically do so, try and get out for some walks. The exercise and fresh air can work wonders sometimes.

Hope you're feeling brighter soon.xx

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Reasonforbeing · 02/04/2012 09:52

HalfPast I do think it is a combination of things. Things are good with dp but I have no libido at the mo due to being ill (with short hospital stay). He seems fine about it but I know underneath it is bugging him. Sorry - don't mean to dripfeed stuff - my brain is a stream of consciousness at the mo.

I will def get out of the house today. You know that feeling of the less you do the less you want to do. That's the case here I think.

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