Lonely as hell, please help

[CrystalMaize]

Ok, background is split up with DH a month ago. Have DS 13 (not his). Only been married 4 months, DH has MH issues. DS also has MH issues relating to his father.

Left DH due to emotional abuse of me, physical abuse of DS. In the time I've been away, have had approx 20 texts and 10 calls a day from DH threatening to kill himself. Has tapered off in last 3 days. Have 2 good friends in RL plus lovely DM, am so lucky. But can't keep calling them with latest stuff about DH, I feel I am boring them.

DH needs to move out of ex-shared property but making no effort. I am paying for everything. When I said I would not pay any more (for 2 properties rent and bills) he went nuts and said he was OD'ing. He has not done this so far though. I have a small inheritance that I used to move out. I have no money left. He doesn't work, has no savings and still expects me to bail him out.

I just feel alone and lonely. I miss my Dad (dec'd June 2011). I wish I could talk to him. I feel miserable, yet remind myself there are so many others far worse off than me and then I feel guilty.

Any advice please?

[grumpydwarf]

Sorry crystal, have no advice for u but just wanted u to know ur not alone. Have split with my dh two weeks ago and am currently sleeping on a sofa at my mums. Hoping it gets better for both of us soon.

Un-mumsnet hugs ur way x

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Stop paying for your ex. You are not responsible for him. Perhaps just try to concentrate on the needs of your DS and yourself?

[Doha]

stop paying and block his mobile number. Don't read any emails just delete before reading.

Ignore ignore ignore

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Sorry, should also say am desperately lonely at the moment too - you're not alone. My total twat of an ex came to see our DD this morning so I have spent all day moping about. Never mind that he was still shagging his ex wife and has now fucked off with someone else.

[CrystalMaize]

Thank you all. Hope things improve for you grumpy.

I know I should stop paying (I haven't got much anyway!) He doesn't have anyone and I feel responsible :(

[tallwivglasses]

Right, well this can't go on, can it? He's effectively stealing from you and your son.

First of all, well done for getting out - that must've been hard.

He hasn't OD'd yet and he's unlikely to. And if he does that's his choice. I'd put money on him miraculously getting to the hospital on time anyway.

Does your mum know about this financial arrangement? I'm sure she's not bored (or your friends) - they just want the best for you. Let them help you.

This property he's in - is it bought or rented? Either way, get legal advice. How long does he expect a meal ticket from the mother and child he abused? For as long as he can get away with it, that's how long. He's obviously got no pride and is a prime contender for the cocklodger of the year awards.

You could be free of this bloodsucker. What are you afraid of?

[Birdsgottafly]

Firstly don't feel guilty, it doesn't matter that there are people worse off than you, you have been/are going through a shit time, allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, when needed, this will help you recover.

You have had to end this relationship. You have to work through any feelings of responsibility for your ex and his suicide threats, his MH is his to deal with.

You now need to workout the practicalities of your financial situation.

[grumpydwarf]

That's me too. Am making me and ds miss out on our own things to keep him together and its not right.

Today I decided ds first, me second and dh way behind. That's how I'm living my life from now on!

[CrystalMaize]

Moved out of the rented family home with DS because DH would not. Am jointly responsible for said house until he goes - and he is making no effort to do so. I have moved out with DS and we are now settled elsewhere. I think the biggest problem is DH constantly threatening to OD. What if the one time I ignore him, he really does it?

[CrystalMaize]

tallwiv - I am afraid of him killing himself, so it's kind of selfish really. I don't want his suicide on my conscience.

[Birdsgottafly]

Would you inform the EDT?

Then you have done all that you could be deemed as responsible for, getting help to a vulnerable adult and nothing more.

Has he sought help for himself?

Sorry, but you need to toughen upon this, you need to re-build your life without him.

How is your DS?

[CrystalMaize]

EDT - could you clarify please Birds?

DS ok, considering, thank you x

[tallwivglasses]

Then he will tell you he's done it, or he'll call the hospital. He is NOT YOUR responsibility. He has no-one else, you say. I wonder why?

I don't understand if it's a rented property, stop paying the rent. Explain to the landlord or agency what's going on. If he ends up on the streets its not your fault. How on earth did he survive before he met you?

I'm sorry Crystal. The tone of my posts is angry because I've mollicoddled an ExP to the detriment of my own children before and I regret it so much now. DD suffered mental health problems and I've struggled financially for years because the great entitled one 'needed' my money. I've done so much to help him but it was never enough so I'm now the prize bitch in his eyes.

Please - withdraw now - for the sake of your own sanity.

[Birdsgottafly]

Emergancy Duty Mental Health Team at his local hospital.

It would either get him the help that he needs, (he cannot justify hurting a child and not seeking help), or call his bluff and put a stop to this.

[Birdsgottafly]

Totally agree with 'Tall'.

Do you have any legal stuff to sort out,transfering bills out of your name etc.

You need to start to plan and then grieve for the relationship ending (that you thought you had).

You are in limbo and need to make a move on Monday, to bring this to an end.

[tallwivglasses]

Advice I've seen on here before is every time he threatens suicide dial 999. Bird's right - it'll get him in the system where help will be offered, but it might also make him realise the severity of his threats. He doesn't want police and ambulance turning up all the time, he just wants to make you feel guilty. It'll also give him the message he needs - that you're not at his beck and call.

Honestly, I'd put money on him not going through with it. One time ExP rolled into A&E saying he'd OD'd - it turned out he'd taken 6 paracetomol. Other times there were always other people in the house.

Basically he's not going to stop these threats until you say, 'I have seen the light...take me back so you can abuse DS and I forever more'. Now we all know that ain't going to happen so cut him out of your life and be thankful you don't have a child with him. Look after yourself and your family x

[Birdsgottafly]

Then leave him to explain why he is making these threats if he doesn't need help because the only other reason to threaten suicide, is to carry on with the emotional abuse/blackmail towards you.

Keep the texts that threaten this.

[CrystalMaize]

I've called an ambulance before, they said they could not do anything if he was unwilling to be helped. Similarly I called the police when he was threatening himself with a knife. All that happened was he was given the number of the local Crisis Team. He didn't ring them. I rang them and they said they can do nothing without him going to THEM. I've tried to get him "into the system" but it seems I can't.

I told him that the next time he so much as hints about an overdose, I will call an ambulance. Then it will be up to him to explain if he's bluffing. I suppose what I fear is that one day he won't contact me, he'll just do it.

[AwkwardMary]

Why are you jointly responsible for the house? Have you not informed the ladlord you have left? What about the bills? You're not there now...you are not responsible. Stop taking his calls entirely....if he threatens you, you need to tell the police...yes, you fear he may overdose but he's abusive...he has to leave your life now. You're not his parent...you are your DS parent and in supporting this man financially you are doing your child out of money.

[CrystalMaize]

That's the problem I think Verity, he gets the attention and then fobs them off before it goes too far. He asked me a while back to have him sectioned as he felt so bad. I wouldn't know how to go about it.

[CrystalMaize]

I have told the landlady I have moved out and she has told him to be out by 14th April. We both fear he will just "squat" though. I'm not paying any more rent though. I told him I would give him the deposit and first month's rent on a new place and I think that's more than enough. I will also have to pay the electricity bill as it's in my name, but gave them a meter reading when I moved out. Not sure where I stand though as the supply is still in my name, he wouldn't take it over. Have also stopped paying his car insurance.