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Think my marriage might be a farce and I feel so upset.

(47 Posts)
foxymoron Sat 31-Mar-12 20:47:36

There's been no affairs or anything like that. He is just selfish. Every night he is on his laptop. Even now on a Saturday night we are watching tv, he had his lap top on doing work. I try to get him to turn it off I get a tirade of abuse shouted at me. Tonight as I walked out the living room it was "nasty f*cking b1tch!" all I had done was to ask him twice to turn it off! I had a mc last month. It was a mmc at 6 weeks but I didn't find out until I was ten weeks. At around the time I lost the pregnancy we had a huge row. And by "we" what I really mean is that he had a huge go at me. He squared up to me and yelled at me so loud I think the whole street must have heard it. I'm 31 and I feel like my life is over. He does nothing around our house and yet he is so dedicated to his job. He works all hours outside of normal working time but gets paid barely anything for it! He knows how much I want a baby. Our love life now feels clinical because he never wants to spend any time with me or relax with me in the evening. I don't know what I expect to gain from posting on here. I just feel trapped in this situation.

JustHecate Sat 31-Mar-12 20:53:10

I am really sorry about your miscarriage. That is a devastating thing to happen.

I know how much you must want to try again. But I would really think again about having a baby with this man.

Do you REALLY want to be tied for life to a man who can get in your face and hurl abuse at you? Don't you know that once you have a child, it's so much harder to get away and you can never get them out of your life forever.

He hurls abuse at you, he is physically intimidating towards you, he does bugger all around the house, he doesn't interact with you...

and you want to have a CHILD with him?

Do you actually think that he will change once there's a child? No. He'll still do nothing in the house, still hurl abuse at you, only now there'll be a child in it too.

Please please please think again.

About bringing a poor baby into this and about staying with him yourself.

pollyblue Sat 31-Mar-12 20:54:52

sorry about the mmc, this happened to me and it's horrible.

I would seriously consider my future with anyone who called me a 'nasty fucking bitch'.

I second Hecates post.

VivaLeBeaver Sat 31-Mar-12 20:56:26

Why are you trapped? You're 31 and don't have a child with him.

Run, run for the hills and don't look back.

I get that you want a baby, but do you really want a baby with someone who is abusive to you, shouts, intimidates you. How long before this starts being physical if he's squaring up to you now. Do you know most domestic violence starrts in pregnancy? If you have a child with him then you'll be more trapped.

Leave him, find someone else and be happy.

NimpyWindowmash Sat 31-Mar-12 20:57:59

So sorry you're going thought this, have you tried being direct and telling him how you feel? Telling him that you need more from him.
Is it possible he is also really hurting after your miscarriage and that you two have not been able to talk about your pain together. Having said that yelling you is completely unacceptable.

attheendoftheday Sat 31-Mar-12 21:01:42

I'm so sorry about your mc. I remember the feeling of desperately wanting a child but not having one. I hope you are ok.

Life with your dh sounds like no fun. Could you have a discussion about how ignored you feel at a time he isn't busy with work? Would you/he consider couples counselling? The shouting and swearing sound very disrespectful and would be totally unacceptable in my relationship. That sort of thing doesn't happen in a healthy relationship IMO.

I doubt you'll want to hear this, but it doesn't sound like a great time to add a baby into the mix. I think you need to resolve your relationship problems first.

rightchoice Sat 31-Mar-12 21:02:49

It doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me. A farce, yes, but a marriage no. He doesn't want to spend time with you or talking to you or enjoying time with you. He verbally abuses you. At 31 I would say your live is over....with him. Find the key to the trap door and run.

foxymoron Sat 31-Mar-12 21:15:10

Thank you for your replies. I really needed to talk to someone tonight and I appreciate being able to confide in ow on here smile

I'm so angry at him. He makes me feel like shit sometimes. I've been with him since I was 17. Sometimes he is absolutely lovely towards me but I have really noticed his temper has started to flare up since he has taken on these extra hours at work since last October. It never used to be that bad before then. I think I'm going to start sleeping in the spare room. Maybe that will get the point across. I get paid a lot more than him and I think he has an inferiority complex because of that (not that this matters at all to me). I think he is taking his frustration out on me. Nimpy I think you may also be right, perhaps I have wrongly assumed he is over the mc when he isn't. He was very supportive of me when I was pg (despite being attached to that bloody laptop) and also after the mc.

He isn't a monster but he can be down right disrespectful and rude and I don't think he quite realises how close I am to leaving him tbh.

JustHecate Sat 31-Mar-12 21:16:54

then tell him.

If he loves you, he will be devastated to realise how he is treating you and that he may lose you and he will move heaven on earth to change.

If he doesn't, or he verbally abuses you - then how much more clear a message do you need?

vigglewiggle Sat 31-Mar-12 21:19:54

Do you see what he is doing on his lap-top? Is it definitely work?

foxymoron Sat 31-Mar-12 21:20:56

Attheendoftheday I think a long hard talk might be a good idea. We have had conversations but I think we need to have a serious chat about our relationship but also as you say I think I should have given him more of a chance to talk about the mc. I have noticed he has avoided all talk about it in the last few weeks. I honk he is using his work as a distraction from what's happened.

rightchoice Sat 31-Mar-12 21:22:11

I don't think moving to the spare room is the answer without telling him why. Men are not good at mind reading. You have been through a lot and it is only going to get better if you talk, before it is far too late.

At the moment you are trying so hard to get him to notice you and he is refusing, probably blocking you out and pretending to 'have to work'. It is a perfect escape. If you did the same would he notice?

Communication is everything, but it takes two, and if he refuses to talk then you will have to consider your options carefully.

DaisyAndConfused Sat 31-Mar-12 21:22:38

Hi Foxy,

Really sorry to hear about your MC but please don't have a child with this man if this ia how he behaves towards you. It's completely unacceptable and not part of a normal loving relationship. I'm not saying 'leave the bastard' but don't feel you have to stay because of your age / desire to have a baby. 31 is YOUNG.

Do you have support in RL?

foxymoron Sat 31-Mar-12 21:22:57

Viggle yes it's definitely work. I walk past him all the time and it's always work he's doing. I even have access to his phone. If I wan to use an app on his phone he let's me use it. I know in my heart there is nothing like that going on.

Goawaybob Sat 31-Mar-12 21:23:39

Just leave him, seriously - he doesn't deserve you

mumbaisapphire Sat 31-Mar-12 21:26:53

You probably don't want to hear this, but from what you've said, to me it sounds like you have been making do for years because at the forefront of your mind you are focused on becoming a Mum at whatever cost. But truly please think about it. Take a step back. Do you really want to have a baby with this man and be tied to him for the next 20-30 years? Maybe he is poorly channeling his feelings post miscarriage - but in a good relationship he should be able to communicate with you. I stayed with someone way too long - I wanted kids and for a long while I thought I'd be better off staying with him, but boy oh boy, I am so glad I got out. SO GLAD. There was no violence or abuse, but for some reason it took me a while to see that our relationship was essentially trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. It would never click. You are 31 - same age as I was when we split up. You can move on, you can find someone who ticks all the boxes and you will be much happier. I truly believe that. I know the pull of motherhood is a strong one - I stayed with him too long because I wrongly believed he was my last chance. Don't make the same mistake.

foxymoron Sat 31-Mar-12 21:30:46

Right choice I see what you mean. Yes I think we have to have a talk and no if I did the same I don't think he would notice. I think we have both become lazy in our relationship over the years. I will give him a chance to talk to me but if he refuses then you are right I am going to have to consider leaving. I will give him a chance but if he messes up its over and I'm walking.

Thanks for telling me I'm young Daisy smile I think the whole notion of being over the hill if you are over 30 and ttc has got to me a bit. Yes I have support in rl. I have two lovely parents and a hand full of very close friends.

rightchoice Sat 31-Mar-12 21:39:57

Do you know what I would do... get some good sleep tonight and insist that tomorrow you go for a walk together in the park, or somewhere in the fresh air. Sit on a bench together and tell him how you feel. You will know by his reaction, his body language, and is interest in what you are saying whether he is interested in making an effort to put things back into place.

He probably things the whole relationship is predictable. The arguements, the demands for attention, the tears.

Shock him into action, by being calm, sensible and articulate. Listen to him when he speaks, and if he talks over you stop talking until he is LISTENING.

Think carefully tonight about what questions you want answered, and what you want to say to him. Good luck and keep posting.

foxymoron Sat 31-Mar-12 21:41:23

Mumbaisapphire thank you for your reply. Im glad things turned out well for you in the end. I never felt like I wanted children until I was about 29/ 30. I was too concerned with my career up until that point. Then all of a sudden the broody ness just crept up on me out of no where. Your question of whether I want to be with his man the next 20 or so years is a good one. I think I'm still feeling extremely fragile emotionally after what happened. But I have realised especially after talking to you all that it is something I really need to think about and address in my mind. I'm going to have an early night and then take him out for a walk tomorrow to have the chat.

foxymoron Sat 31-Mar-12 21:45:17

Thank you right choice. I think that is really good advice. Do you think I should make it clear when we talk tommorow that there is a chance he will lose me if nothing changes? I dont want to create unnecessary drama but I do want him to take this seriously.

rightchoice Sat 31-Mar-12 21:46:39

Well done, stay calm, don't accuse, but LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY TO WHAT HE DOES AND DOES NOT SAY. Trust you instincts, and get your point over. xx

rightchoice Sat 31-Mar-12 21:47:41

Cross post. I truly think you should tell him you think the relation is slipping out of control, and ask him if he feels the same, and take it from there.

NagooBunnytail Sat 31-Mar-12 21:48:27

run away and be free.

dreamingbohemian Sat 31-Mar-12 21:49:53

I think you definitely need to talk to him and see where things stand.

If you can do one thing for yourself, please try to get rid of the idea that you are trapped. You have a good job, you are not tied to him through children, there are very few practical obstacles to leaving him. You just need to decide what it is you want -- not what you can do, but what you want to do. Because really, in your situation, you can do what you want.

Also, please get in your head that you ARE young! You have so much time to have a family.

FWIW I didn't get together with my DH til I was 36, within 2.5 years we were married with a baby smile

He is truly the love of my life and so lovely to me, I'm so glad I got rid of the loser I was dating at 31! wink

tuffinmop Sat 31-Mar-12 21:50:18

sorry for your loss.

That said leave the git now before you have a baby in tow x

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