Struggling after DV

[nurseneedshelp]

Hi this is my first post to please be nice to me!!
Really need some advice as feel quite desperate.
Ive left my ex of 18 years approx 6 months ago after years of DV, we have a son aged 8 and daughter 11.
The last incident which triggered the seperation was a prolonged attack which resulted in me attending A+E (which is where I work)

[izzyizin]

What are you feeling desperate about?

Has your ex been charged?

[Goawaybob]

So sorry to read this nurse, Im sure there will be plenty of posters with lots of advice. The worst is behind you now - you have done the best thing for you and your children and got them away from that vile bully.

[neuroticmumof3]

Thank goodness you left the relationship. What are you struggling with at the moment? Do the children have contact with him?

[AnyFucker]

Where are you up to now ? What in particular are you struggling with ?

[ledkr]

Firstly well done on getting out its not easy and you have done it.

Like others have said what is it in particular you are finding difficult?

[HoudiniHissy]

Come and pop by on the Emotional Abuse thread? We've all been in DV situations to lesser or greater extents than you, and you'll find that we are all at different stages of our recovery.

The first hurdle IS the 6m milestone. It's when the adrenaline wanes and the realisation of what has happened creeps in, the abusive fog starts to lift and you start to see your future stretching out in front of you. Without the day to day confusion/terror wrought on you by your Abusive partner, you are feeling naturally scared and uncertain about what life holds. You see choices, decisions to be taken, responsibilities to be shouldered and you've been repeatedly told that you are crap, and can't do anything right.

Now is the time to read. Have you read Why Does He Do That? or Power and Control: Why Charming Men Make Dangerous Lovers? They are a good place to start.

Have you contacted your Health Visitor/Service? They can help with all sorts of support, both for you and the children in many cases.

If an understanding ear is what you need, call Woman's Aid, or Respect, they are fantastic. We are always here too, so post, PM whatever you need love.

You have done a truly brave and wonderful thing, you have saved yourself and your children from a life of abuse. It will get easier, in steps, expect plateaus, expect set backs, but keep focussed on one thing.... YOUR FREEDOM.

[nurseneedshelp]

Im sorry it was so long winded and prob didnt make it very clear what im struggling with!!

1,My daughters behaviour is so awul at times, do I ignore it because of the awful things shes seen?? Their dad used to look after them alot and dealt with the disipline because I worked so much to pay for everything (he didnt Work and sponged off me) and im so soft im finding her behaviour really difficult to deal with!!

2,The new relationship, I realise its too soon but how will I know when the time is right to introduce him to my children?? Please bear in mind that ive not just met this guy, ive worked with him in A+E for 10 years and Im confident that our relationship will last. Hes going through a divorce after his wife had an affair.

Just realised that its not got everything I typed??????????

[nurseneedshelp]

Really dont know what Ive done but Ive got two discussions going lol.
The other one is fully typed, Life after domestic violence
Not sure how thats happened?????

[HoudiniHissy]

So you left the kids (abusive) dad 6m ago, and you have got a new relationship with someone you have known for a long time.

Bear in mind that this guy too is going through a divorce, he has been left, and has baggage and issues of his own to deal with. I would say that it's probable that this relationship won't last, as the pair of you have an awful lot of stuff to recover from. As a result of your independent recoveries, you will both regain yourselves.

It may be that the people you are each supposed to be may be compatible, maybe not.

If I were you, take the relationship for what it is at the moment, someone to comfort you, and for you to be there for. Nothing more.

WRT introducing the kids, all being well it would have been a good idea to introduce him AS A FRIEND ONLY, but as your DD is acting up and clearly struggling, you need to focus your attention on her and support her.

Get to your GP and ask for help with DV recovery. If you are in Scotland there is a trial called CEDAR, (Children Experiencing Domestic Abuse Recovery) www.west-dunbarton.gov.uk/community-health-and-care-partnership-chcp/violence-against-women-partnership/cedar-project/ Otherwise call WA and ask for contact with their DV outreach worker for support.

You need to do the Freedom Programme (It's free) it really will help you identify what was abuse and how to recover. It'll also stop you feeling so alone and isolated.

Does that all make sense? The main thing is to be kind to yourself, be kind and patient with your DD and talk to the DC about their feelings. Don't cover up for him, don't take the blame for him, make sure the DC know that his behaviour was unacceptable and for that reason you had to end it.

Again, well done love, you are really doing well.