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Relationships

Has he had a mid life crisis or is he just an idiot?

248 replies

Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 21:49

I am new to this site but have "arrived" here on the suggestion of a friend who said I would find similar stories to mine here.
I have been with my husband for 24 years but we only married in 2004. I thought that we were happy and trusted him completely. We had been through so much together, I had breast cancer in 2002 and he had alcoholism in 1997 and many other traumatic life events. All my family, his family, friends and neighbours considered ours to be a strong solid marriage.
He started to do odd jobs for people at work which wasn't that unusual as he is generally a helpful person.Then his mood changed and he became snappy, not only towards me but towards our children too. We thought that he was ill because he said that he was in pain "down below" and had been to the doctors who had ruled out testicular and prostrate cancer. He even told me that maybe he had ruptured himself hmmm he probably had......
He started to pop out round the workshop or to meet a "friend" who it turned out had been dead for over a year (found that out later). His neck chain broke,and I found a supply of his out of date Viagra in his coat pocket, and so I began to wonder....
He came home one night and said that his friends wife had dropped him off and I jokingly said to my friend that his fancy bit had given him a lift,little did I know that this was the truth. A couple of days later after a bit of a tiff my son asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no it was me ,I was driving him mad and that I had changed. ( I had just been diagnosed with stress)
Anyway things carried on. He went out on valentines night all dressed up to a recital and came back fairly early so no suspicions then. On 25 th Feb , he said he was doing some private work and would be out for the day. I tried to ring him during the day but he didn't answer. He came home late afternoon and looked awful.thats when I wondered if he had started to drink again. He went upstairs for a lay down but before he left the room he said that he couldn't get over my accusation that he had been seeing someone else and that it had cut him in half. We argued a bit and I told him to p@@s off.....which is all he wanted to hear I suppose. He said he was going out for a decent drink!

Anyway he didn't come back and on the Monday I hacked into his hotmail. There was a message sent on 25 feb saying thank you for spending the whole day with me etc etc and then lots more from this person sexually explicit describing what she was going to do to him and what they had been doing. I felt sick and angry and posted some of the emails on Facebook and forwarded another to the head teacher where she works.
I can't believe what has happened. He is like a stranger. He hasn't rang our daughter to see how she is knowing that she is in bits. Our son isn't coping very well either. People say that he will soon realise what he has lost, but it's too late, I could never have him back. WHY has he done this to his family? I feel emotionally a complete mess

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HansieMom · 30/03/2012 22:04

That was a nasty action to post the emails on Facebook and to her school.

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Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 22:07

And why do you think that?

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OneLieIn · 30/03/2012 22:08

You posted them on FB? Hmm

Where is he now?

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OneLieIn · 30/03/2012 22:09

Because your h is the ___ fill in the blank with whatever you like. She is not.

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Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 22:10

I think he is at his Mums but still seeing her

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Doha · 30/03/2012 22:10

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Probably not the wisest thing to do with emails but l guess you were trying to hurt her and him as much as you were hurting.

He is a selfish twat thinking of his dick and nothing else.

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Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 22:15

Ah so sending my husband MY husband emails which are sexually explicit and knowing that he is married is acceptable?? Yes , I blame him more than her because he should have told her no.

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oikopolis · 30/03/2012 22:20

OP if you want to find out why he did this, what motivated him etc., i suggest this book:

www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010008&sectionTitle=If+you+or+a+friend+need+help

he did it because he was selfish and cared more about his personal satisfaction than your health and happiness as a family. it's as simple as that really.

i'm sorry this happened to you.

try to focus on your H's actions. the actions of the OW aren't your concern. you never know what he told her to make it "OK" that they were having an affair... he could have spun some very nasty lies about you to her.

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oikopolis · 30/03/2012 22:21

sorry wrong link, that was from another thread. this is the link i mean:

www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

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HansieMom · 30/03/2012 22:25

It was a malicious and vengeful thing that you did. You took something extremely personal and posted it on an internet billboard.

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OneLieIn · 30/03/2012 22:25

Agree OIK. MrsG, he could have said anything and done anything ... you don't know. All you do know is that he did it, he was unfaithful, he lied, he cheated and he really hurt you and the dcs.

Sorry this has happened to you.

Don't lash out at the OW, it isn't her fault.

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Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 22:26

Yes he could have told her all sorts of things.i realise that. What I didn't realise that far from being supported on this site , I now feel that I am the one in the wrong, at fault and quite worthless.
I don't see any future for me anymore and am finding it so hard to deal with

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oikopolis · 30/03/2012 22:31

i'm sorry OP. no-one wants you to feel unsupported.

the thing is, on this board we talk to a LOT of women who lash out at the other woman, and don't pay nearly enough attention to what their husband has done. and that makes recovering and moving on much much harder for the cheated woman, if you see what i mean?

it must seek like people are picking you apart here, but actually they're trying to guide you away from thinking about the OW and back to the actions of your husband.

what has your H said about all this? have you talked to him at all?

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oikopolis · 30/03/2012 22:31

*seem, not seek

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OneLieIn · 30/03/2012 22:34

No, we didn't say that (I don't think).

Genuinely sorry this happened, don't know how we can help. You asked why he did it....he did it because he blatantly didn't give a toss about you or the dcs, he followed his dick, because he was bored, because he wanted excitement, because he is a twat...the only person who knows why he did it is him. Have you tried to talk to him?

You are not at fault for his behaviour.

You are however very much at fault for being vengeful and spiteful (even though I understand how devastated and hurt you must be feeling) by posting the emails on the internet and to the school. She may well lose her job, you could wreck her career, her life even. You may not care about that right now, because you are so hurt and emotionally battered. But it was not a good thing to do, it was cruel.

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Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 22:40

And so being called malicious and vengeful is supportive? I posted the emails on my fb which is private and can only be viewed by my friends.
I will not be made out to be the baddie here. I was living under the assumption that my marriage was solid as were my children ( who are grown up), my family and friends and have been completely knocked for six.
I had no idea at all that anything like this was going on......I'm just looking for answers but guess I will never know the truth

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Rhinosaurus · 30/03/2012 22:42

Hansiemom
It was a malicious and vengeful thing that you did. You took something extremely personal and posted it on an internet billboard.

it was malicious to shag the op's husband, and humiliate her far more than a message of Facebbok. Good on the op.

It's all very well being preachy and judgey, who knows what you would do in the exact same situation Hansiemom?

Op - you will get over this, he sounds bloody hard work.

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Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2012 22:43

she will not lose her job. The head said it was a private matter. She has already split from her partner last year and he has the children. And it was not a cruel thing to do if only my friends could see them. They should never have been in existence in the first place

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Rhinosaurus · 30/03/2012 22:45

Oh and I am sure the OP really doesn't give a fuck if the OW loses her job, or wrecks her career/life. After all, from what it sounds like the OW pursued her husband knowing he was married. Did she care about wrecking the OP's life?

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OneLieIn · 30/03/2012 22:45

Ok, but my point still stands.

Have you spoken to him?

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oikopolis · 30/03/2012 22:45

OP if you want to talk about what happened, talk about it. don't get too involved in a bunfight or in attempting to defend yourself.

you stooped a bit by emailing the OW's boss... but you were emotional. it happens. you can't expect people to pat you on the back for that though.

mumsnet doesn't pull punches, you will be called out for things people think are wrong. people are very honest here, and it hurts sometimes. but if you accept it for what it is, you can find good support, without mollycoddling.

now...
have you talked to H at all, and if so what does he say?

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OneLieIn · 30/03/2012 22:46

Oh Rhino, really? The only person who knows what happened is him.

Have you spoken to him?

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CotesduRhone · 30/03/2012 22:48

You did the wrong thing here in forwarding private matters to her boss - what were you thinking?

Even if it wasn't morally wrong of you to do so - which it is, your husband is the person at fault here, she's merely a 'floater' so to speak - you've now made yourself look like the crazy person. Whatever he says about how you 'drove him to it' etc. etc. will now have credence that it wouldn't have if you'd stayed calm.

Thankfully her head is a sensible person, but how vengeful and unpleasant you sound, trying to get her fired from her job (because why else would you send them to her boss?). You need to take responsibility for having done a horrible thing there.

Now that that's over with. What do you want next? To move on, or to try and salvage a relationship with him?

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Rhinosaurus · 30/03/2012 22:49

Why would I need to speak to him to realise the op is getting a hard time for acting u predictably in what was a traumatic situation? She doesn't need judgey people telling her she is malicious and vengeful when she is obviously looking for support,

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Rhinosaurus · 30/03/2012 22:50

*unpredictably

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