I am a doormat. Wipe your feet as you come in.

[albertswearengen]

I have now officially had enough of being a total pushover because I'm too polite to say anything. In the last 2 weeks my SIL and family invited themselves and their friends to stay in our house where I was to provide food, drink, meals, washing, babysitting and night nanny services whilst putting up with some passive aggressive nonsense from my BIL. Not a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine was proffered in thanks. We said nothing as MIL asked us to put up with it for the sake of family harmony.

My sister has got me looking after her kids sometime next week- however the number of children and the day has apparently changed but she hasn't thought to tell me.

On top of that one of my oldest friends is living in our 'granny flat' above the garage rent free whilst she's between houses. We've just moved in and the place was a bit of a shambles but I sorted it out got some cheap and used furniture so it was liveable. However she's just got a new man and basically hasn't even the time to say hello as she passes us in the driveway as she's off the shag him as soon as they get out of the car- plus she's owes me money for 2 months worth of bills and she has a very well paid job.. I think the final straw was this afternoon when I saw them sneaking out when we'd gone in to the house from the garden to go to the loo. It was pathetic all me and DS would've done is say hello.

I know I need to say something but I'm totally rubbish at being rude. It's really getting me down

[LiarsWife]

Hi sorry you're upset!

You don't need to be rude to get your point across - just stick to the facts - make a list of points and discuss with each of the parties involved

Good luck!

[Helltotheno]

Maybe an assertiveness training course would help you?

And by the way, you're not the one being rude by telling them all to take a hike, all the people above are the ones being rude!
Start by telling your sister that you're NOT free to mind her kids next week. Don't give her an excuse, just say it doesn't suit you.
Next time anyone suggests a gang of people calling to your house to sponge off you and treat you like shit, tell them you've something else on.
Go up to your friend and tell her the rent needs paying stat or she can find another shagpad.

[albertswearengen]

I know I need to chill and to be fair I would probably have laughed at how crap my friend is being even in her mid -40's- she always did abandon common sense when a man came along.
I think I am still reeling from my SIL's visit. I was so stressed at their behaviour I ended up at the dentist with bad dental pain and it turned out I had been grinding my teeth.

[Dreamless]

Why do you care what these people think?? They clearly don't care what you think, or how you feel. Tell them all to piss off, then laugh at the shock that crosses their faces when they discover the 'doormat' is in fact a real person with real feelings.

They sound like a bunch of selfish cunts!

[softpaw]

i agree with Dreamless...saying no can be totally empowering.

[Cathynclaire]

They are taking the piss and they know they are!

SIL - text her to say "Sorry child minding is off" and then ignore and go out on the day. If she says why, just say ..."but I cannot do it" over and over again, don't give an excuse

"Friend" - present her with an invoice - either pay up or ship out!

[Cathynclaire]

Sorry got SIL and sister mixed up.

...just say no!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Rehearse the most ominous four words in the English language.... *'we need to talk'+.... and then tell them what you want to happen next. You don't have to be rude, just speak plainly, simply and try not to beat around the bush. I also find the 'either or' technique is a good one.... they can't say no so easily if you give them a couple of choices.

"Hello friend. We need to talk. You owe me 2 months rent and some money for bills. I make it £xyz in total. Would you like to write me a cheque now or give me the cash in the morning? Thanks'

"Hello SIL and BIL. We need to talk. It's not convenient for me to look after your children this week so you'll have to make other arrangements. Regarding the groceries. Here's the list. You can either go to the supermarket and buy everything on the list or give me £xyz in cash and I'll go instead"

[Jemma1111]

The more you learn to stick up for yourself and say NO the easier it gets !

Don't let those cheeky bastard's take the piss a moment longer

[albertswearengen]

I know I need to man up. Thing is when it comes to work things or strangers I am quite assertive. I just know if I say anything to my SIL or sister there will be tantrums a go go and it'll end up being my fault. Mind you I'm at the point where I don't actually care.

[PooPooInMyToes]

Cog. That either or idea is great!

[PooPooInMyToes]

No you won't be at fault. They might say you are but that's because they want T9 keep you being their doormat. I never used to be able to say no either but the more you do it the easier it gets.

I also had counselling which helped massively. I looked at WHY i could say no.

[PooPooInMyToes]

Couldn't

[SquishyCinnamonSwirls]

Expect the tantrums and practise saying No. You must or else this'll carry on forever. How depressing. Practise it now!

[heroutdoors]

Hello [albert],
You are a "pleaser". Stop it now. I speak from experience.
Every year as you get older you will get more and more resent full and that in itself is very bad for your health.
Really, I mean it.
Stop!

[claudedebussy]

of course there will be a bit of a fallout because they will be inconvenienced.

but i can promise you that no-one will think you're being unreasonable for saying no. except maybe your mum who wants to keep enabling her.

sister: you haven't heard about change of date or no of children. you will be busy that day. what a shame she didn't check with you beforehand. make plans now that you won't be able to change.

sil: you would so love to see her. when shall you pop round with your family? oh, she wants to come to you again?? you would love to have her of course, like you always do but sadly at the moment you are not able to accommodate guests.

old friend: i'm so sorry but i need to start charging rent. you see we really need the money. what would you like to do? find somewhere else to live? smile.

you can put people off without being rude. you just can't do it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@Poopoo... it's an old sales technique. 'Will you be buying the green one or the blue one'.... Note 'not buying either of them' is not one of the options on the table. :)

[lovesineffable]

what everyone else says but I'd like to emphasise the importance of not giving reasons or justifying your decisions, that just gives the other person an opening to question your reasons and start a negotiation.

If pushed you can use the circular reason:
why cant you do 'x'?
I cant do 'x' because I am unable to
why are you unable to?
because I cant

good luck! :)

[PooPooInMyToes]

Wow that's a cheeky sales techniques! I HATE sales techniques, although i can see this one has another much better use.

The one I've had that's made me the most angry was . . .

Well if you don't WANT to save money . . .

Whilst looking at me like i was stupid for apparently not wanting to save money! He got a door slammed in his face after being told to fuck off somewhere else with his stupid sales techniques!

Sorry! Slightly off subject!

[Cathynclaire]

Alberts visualise yourself saying no to these people, and plan to give yourself a "reward" each time you do say no - whether it is some wine, chocolate, a nice walk in the sunshine etc, treat yourself.

You have been nice and polite to "them" now it is your turn be kind to yourself.

If they ask catch you on the hop at a weak moment, ask yourself "would they do this for me" - usually the answer is no, and "what's in it for me" - usually nothing except grief, expense and ungratitude!

[albertswearengen]

Well things took a turn for the better. Was a little off hand with friend when I eventually passed her and lo and behold she turned up with the 2 months she owed me and next months all full of apologies. Then my sister phoned and apologised profusely (unheard of) at not sorting out the dates as I had 'casually' mentioned to my Mum that I was about to go and book cinema tickets etc for next week for me and DS. Turns out if you are a little bit of a cow to some people they are much nicer to you. Which is a bit rubbish really.

That just leaves the in law situation. Turns out that all our efforts to put up with SIL and BIL's crap to help out MIL has resulted in MIL siding once again with SIL. I'm not sure why or how there are sides but it turns out there are and I'm not on the right one.

However after 20 years of me being amazed at my DH basically putting up with being a second class citizen in his family he is now well and truly on the war path. I am quite amazed really. They have no idea what's in store and I may sit back and enjoy the spectacle.

I think all your replies helped as after the latest nonsense I told him I'd had enough of it and he could deal with them himself from now on as I was no longer going to keep the peace. I was positively off hand with MIL which isn't bad for me.

Thanks all- I just needed a kick up the bum.

[JeffTracy]

Fantastic albert - gives hope to us who are also doormats nice. Looking forward to hearing what your DH does!

[Dreamless]

That's great news - keep up the good work!! :)

[NewYearsDaysie]

Oooh careful you're getting a taste for that feeling being assertive gives you :O have some I think you deserve it for giving them the kick up the bum :)

[NewYearsDaysie]

That was supposed to be a wink after the assertiveness comment ...stupid phone!