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Do I need to sort out my wedding obsession?

(34 Posts)
bemusedperson Tue 27-Mar-12 20:22:53

Title says it all really (namechanger). I'm in a two-year-and-a-bit relationship - as far as I'm concerned this is it; things couldn't be better.

However, in the last few months I've become obsessed with weddings - secretly googling wedding stuff, particularly engagement rings, daydreaming about our imaginary wedding constantly. This has come as a bit of a shock since I'm pretty unfluffy and generally not that much of a girly girl - and have other things (job/hobbies/social life) to fill my time.

We're late 20s - EVERYONE we know is getting married so wedding plans, hen dos and engagement parties are all around. I do enjoy the escapism and other people have also been stoking my obsession in a 'you're next' way.

DP has lately been dropping various hints about a future proposal (eg about saving for a wedding), so I'm not totally deluded or anything, but given that it's not likely to be much before the end of the year at the earliest, how do I dial this down and get a grip? We're not even engaged yet and I'm in bridezilla territory!

meredeux Tue 27-Mar-12 21:42:30

get it over and done with by asking him instead of waiting for him to ask you?

ImperialBlether Tue 27-Mar-12 21:58:41

Noooooooooooo don't ask him!

bemusedperson Tue 27-Mar-12 22:12:41

Sadly the obsession extends to romantic proposal fantasies (plus he has made some saving-for-a-ring-type noises)

oikopolis Tue 27-Mar-12 22:25:46

i did this.

by the time DH proposed, i was so fed up with all the wedding websites that i couldn't be bothered. like, at all.

i chose the cheapest dress i could find
i booked the cheapest venue i could find
i said to the venue "we'll be there at Xpm on Date, there'll be X number of us, please have a spread out and a guy behind the bar, and could you have dark blue tablecloths please? thanks"
i bought some flowers the day before from the shop
we turned up and got married
that was it. didn't even go in early to check everything was set up. that's how over it i was.

it's funny how things work out!

i strongly suggest you stay your hand and don't indulge. wrap up all that excitement and put it away to enjoy at a more appropriate time. it will be more meaningful and fun that way smile

oikopolis Tue 27-Mar-12 22:26:19

in my defence i married young. the obsession happened when i was 22 and very giddy and in love. blush

Mumsyblouse Tue 27-Mar-12 22:31:08

I would let out these fantasies to anyone but your DP! Girlfriends, perhaps there are online forums where you can talk about weddings but not him. Not because he doesn't want to get married, but there's always a dynamic to these things, and you looking desperate overkeen might kill that slightly. It might also give him the impression you want to get married (the whole fantasy) more than you actually want to be with him.

If he starts discussing your future, of course you should be honest that you would like to get married. I just mean hide the googling/wedding dress shopping fantasies a short while longer.

I'd also say that there was a really interesting but very sad thread in AIBU recently from someone who, a few years on, was still distressed that her wedding day wasn't really the fantasy she thought it would be. There were lots of other people on the thread too who had had less than perfect days. I think metaphorically slapping yourself around the chops and realising that it's just a day, however lovely it would be to be married to your partner is quite important. It appears to have taken on a cultural significance bordering on madness.

Would you like to spend the rest of your life with this man? (above and beyond your fantasy wedding day?)

bemusedperson Tue 27-Mar-12 22:34:28

Good point about not wearing out my enthusiasm since it could well not happen till 2014.
I am 29 so sadly have no excuse for the craziness!

bemusedperson Tue 27-Mar-12 22:43:41

Wise words mumsyblouse. With him I have been trying hard to keep a lid on it; also covering my tracks online. Am more worried about boring my girlfriends rigid...
Yes, I believe we are made for each other (this after a couple of other long-term relationships where it barely crossed my mind. One of these proposed but I had no trouble declining as it knew it wasn't right)

DitaVonCheese Tue 27-Mar-12 23:25:57

Get yourself over to the forums and let your inner mad bride run riot wink

Or head over to [ Reel Vision's blog] and sit there watching wedding vids and crying your eyes out (probably best to do this when your DP's out grin).

Happy planning/obsessing, hope you get your proposal soon smile

DitaVonCheese Tue 27-Mar-12 23:34:27

Doh. blush

PS LOVE this one <swoons>

bemusedperson Tue 27-Mar-12 23:45:38

Dita you are not helping grin

pictish Tue 27-Mar-12 23:51:57

Rofl @ Dita! grin

I think Mumsy is spot on.

izzyizin Tue 27-Mar-12 23:55:35

Harry Winston's emerald cut diamonds are to die marry for.

Leave a catalog lying around and occupy your mind by studying quantum physics - hopefully, you'll become so absorbed by the subject that you'll be suitably surprised when he goes down on one knee...

2rebecca Wed 28-Mar-12 09:19:37

I never liked all the wedding related crap. it just seemed a huge waste of money to me. I never really wanted "a wedding" just to be married (in both cases) and in both cases we wanted to keep some money to save on our life together not splash it all on a ridiculously OTT party.
I used to just laugh and oggle at the money people some people spent on weddings.
I can't imagine being in the sort of relationship where I meekly wait for a man to ask me to marry him, like he's doing me this huge favour.

nizlopi Wed 28-Mar-12 10:15:46

'Everyone else is doing it' is a silly reason to get married. You seem to be focused on the whole idea of a wedding and all the lovely stuff that comes with being engaged, not the actual marriage part.

Ephiny Wed 28-Mar-12 10:23:21

It sounds like escapist fantasy stuff to me - are you a bit bored or stressed maybe in other areas of your life?

If you do actually want to get married (as opposed to wanting a wedding, not always the same thing!) then why not talk to your partner about possible timescales, see how he feels about the idea. I definitely don't think women have to hang about waiting for a man to ask them, you can bring up the subject yourself - I did!

If you're not sure whether you want to be married or just to have a wedding - ask yourself this: if hypothetically your only wedding option was the bare minimum type, e.g. no diamond rings or big white dress, no parties, no fuss - would you still want to marry him?

anewmotivatedme Wed 28-Mar-12 10:27:05

I did this. I was able to book it all really quickly, as the decisions had all been made when I was pre-engaged. Also, the sites got me thinking about what was really needed, and what was just wasteful. I did the blogs when pre-engaged. Stopped them for about seven months, as I'd bored of it. And then picked up again, in final two months to wedding.

Would recommend the following sites:


DedalusDigglesPocketWatch Wed 28-Mar-12 10:35:17

DH and I decided to get married. It seemed sensible, I brought up the idea, he agreed, job done. I wasn't too bothered about the actual wedding, just wanted to be married.

However, 3 years on and I really regret doing it that way. I had no proposal, no building up of excitement and saving up for this one day of fantasy. It was a lovely service, but I wasn't too bothered about the rest of it and I think it showed.
Wait for your proposal, then you can indulge yourself with wedding fairs, favours, and flowers grin

Good luck smile

BusinessTrills Wed 28-Mar-12 10:37:01

I'd echo that you seem to be obsessed with a wedding rather than interested in being married.

anewmotivatedme Wed 28-Mar-12 10:37:24

Psst. When pre-engaged, my DP had already got the engagement ring. I found it in a bottom drawer of his desk six months earlier. This is what set my wedding obsession off.

It was his Great Grandma's ring. I assumed that with being made redundant, and having to get another job, he had not felt like proposing as quickly as he'd initially planned. I've never discussed it with him.

anewmotivatedme Wed 28-Mar-12 10:38:20

Don't want him to know, that I'd already seen the ring.

StayingZen Wed 28-Mar-12 10:42:34

For a little aversion therapy, look at this site:
It certainly stopped my daughter suggesting we pay for her wedding.

bemusedperson Wed 28-Mar-12 12:46:00

I would like both: marriage and wedding. I have known since we had been together six months that we would get married one day but have certainly not been thinking weddings all this time. Now that we have been together longer, live together and both have more financial security, I feel the time is almost right.

It seems, though, that people commonly complain about the sense of anti-climax when they realise that marriage is about the day-to-day. The day-to-day 'grind' is already wonderful; for me marriage represents the next step in terms of commitment. But I see commitment as being between us, whereas a wedding day represents the chance to show our family and friends what we mean to each other and celebrate our relationship.

Am I bored? I don’t know. We are saving for a deposit and a big holiday, and and this is very important to me but not something I can get actively involved with day to day.

We both believe that long engagements and expensive weddings are a waste of time and money (i.e. a wedding that we had to save for two years for would be by definition too expensive for us, plus we’d have to spend two years thinking about it).

bemusedperson Wed 28-Mar-12 12:48:25

On a lighter note, thanks for the links anew I will save these for later in my 'pre-engagement' grin

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