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Pregnant and want to break up with boyfriend but he refuses to leave :-( Help!

(52 Posts)
Vintagelover Mon 26-Mar-12 21:59:55

Hello there.

I'm realy hoping someone can give me some advice.

I am 30 and my boyf is 28 . I have been with my boyf on and off for three years. We have both done bad things in the relationship. He is a compulsive liar, he lies all the time. For the first 2 years we were together he swore blue in the face he had a driving liscense and could drive ( until I found out for sure that he couldnt) he's lied about past relationships and jobs and other things but mainly he has lied about money. Big lies not little white ones, with each lie I found out I was left feeling insecure and untrusting. I broke up with him on a number of occasions and He promised to change and then again I would discover another recent massive lie. I know it doesnt sound that bad but it is and I just want to make this quick rather than go in depth about the lying which isnt the main reason for writing just the cause. My wrong doing is that I have cheated on him a couple of times. I told him about it. I can honistly say that if he hadnt of constantly broken my trust after being taken back again and again I wouldnt have done it but i know that does not make it ok.

I tried to break up with him over a year ago and he managed to barge his way into his house on the pretense he wanted to get his belonings. He then hit himself in the face with his phone causing a mark, he called the police and said it was me. I got arressted and spent hours in a police cell being treated like a criminal for something I didnt do.
The case was dropped when he went and told the police it wasnt me and that he was lying .. and all he got was a fine.

Stupidly I took him back after this I loved him and just kept thinking maybe he would change. We broke up a number of times and I took him back.

That is the basic background of the situation

We have been living together for about 8 months

In October I found out I was pregnant. Things were a bit rough. I told him I was pregnant. I also told him I had cheated on him ( though the baby is definatly his the dates were no way near each other I just wanted to be honest)

Like i said things were rough , so I told him but i didnt beg or plead for him to stay. He decided of his own free will that he wanted to tsay and be a couple and 'forgave me' for cheating. I was happy with this as I still wanted to make things work.

In novemeber i found out the he had being lying to me yet again and hadnt paid the rent properly, which is in my name for 6 months, leaving me in debt by around £800 and making me lie to my landlord without even realising i was doing so- he swore blind to me that he had and even when the landlord sent me his bank statemnt he still swore he had, even shouting at me and making me feel like i was the one in the wrong.. It took him over a week to admit he hadnt .. then he went to pay some in and lied again about how much it was... and it goes on and on...

Suffice to say ive had enough. My trust is gone, my security is gone. This person who is meant to love me lies to me and hurts me and shouts and screams in my face and throws things over and punches things and is violent and abusive (though never hits me) and I dont deserve it. Yes I cheated and I know that was wrong but if he feels like that he should have left me, he should leave me and he wont, even though I dont want him here.
I told him im sorry , i told him i dont love him the same and that i dont feel secure with him but he wont listen. He doesnt understand how his lying has affected me even though we have discussed it over and over again, I dont think he will ever change and he has had to many chances.

I asked him to leave in November, I also tried to break up with him and he just wont let me. ( I am scared he will do something like call the police again for something i havnt done) He keeps threatening that he will have my baby taken away.. ( not that he could I am a good person, dont smoke, drink or do drugs or anything else that would give reason for a baby to be taken away (where as he smoke and smokes weed) - its just horrible and worrying hearing him say it)

Each time i said i wanted to break up he shouts right up in my face, calls me all number of names, pushes things, hits things, he always brings up me cheating trying to turn the things around, but when i say well you should leave me then, he wont. He pushed the christmas tree over at xmas and stomped on the metal box of quality streets, destroying the lid, he also always steals my phone and computer off me while im using it and wont give it back ... these are just of an example of the way he acts when i say i want to split up and for him to move out...

So anyway it was novemember i asked him to go and he is still here. Eventually he 'agreed' to move out . It was meant to be on March 16th but he said he didnt have enough money so then it was changed to April 16th which is in a few weeks.. he is now saying that hes not going to be able to go then as he hasnt got enough money - but he went on a stag do the other night, spend about £300 on clothes and bought a number of take aways..

I keep saying he needs to go on the 16th ( im almost 7 months pregnant now i just want to be left alone and get my house sorted and stop having this person around who talks to me like shit and shouts at me, but also expects that i still make him dinner, look after him and let him use my phone whenever he wants becuase he didnt pay the bill on his ) He says that i am heartless bitch and will make him homeless. Even with the things he has to pay out he will still have about £1000 -£1200 on the 16th which will be fine for a house share or studio or even a private 1 bed rental but he is adiment that he will only move to a flat with a garden or balcony and that he will move in with his friend (who needs to give at least a months notice and hasnt yet) He also has his birthday and his friends wedding coming up and just bought himself an expensive pair of sunglasses.. all which he deems more important than moving when he said he will.

I realy dont know what to do - he has had since november - almost 6 months - to prepare for moving out. The flat is in my name though he has been paying the rent(in part) whilst living here, but i will be paying from 16th onwards and i pay all of the bills which are also in my name.

He has also not bought one single thing for the baby. He keeps shouting at me and upseting me.I told him making me cry and the stress is realy bad for the baby but he just scoffs at the like im lying.

I said we are broken up and he agreed and i changed the relationship status on facebook and now he is ranting and raving that i have to change it back, but i dont want to be with him!! :-( :-(

I dont know what to do, i am being forced to be with someone I dont want to be with and to live with someone who just wont leave me alone.

I know this is long winded and full of spelling mistakes! :-) But any legal and emotional advice would be realy very helpful.

Also i just want to say that hes not a horrible person and used to be realy lovely and still can be sometimes (apart from all the lying) he just has changed towards me but also has a temper and wont let go or believe we should be apart.. He will be a good dad just not a good partner. :-(

He just doesnt seem to understand it doesnt matter what the situation, who has done who wrong and what has happened.. at the end of the day if one person does not want to be with the other person then they should have the right to choose not to be ... :-( ( I have explained this till I am blue in the face and it is like talking to a brick wall.

Please help!

izzyizin Mon 26-Mar-12 22:06:35

He sounds a nightmare to live with and I'm not surprised that you want him out of your home.

Is the tenancy of the property you are renting in joint names?

Goawaybob Mon 26-Mar-12 22:07:06

You need to get a solicitor, go the CAB and get some advice.

He sounds dangerous - someone else with more experience will be along, you need to talk to Women's Aid, im sorry, i dont have the number

pictish Mon 26-Mar-12 22:07:32

Right ok.
He is a horrible person. He will not be a good dad.
I'm sorry to be blunt but we must get that out of the way.

I suggest you ring Women's Aid to discuss your situation.

Somehow or another you need to get his stuff out and change the locks.
This guy plans to leave when it suits him, not you, but in the meantime you're eduring some really shady treatment. This guy is all sorts of controlling, as wel, as all the pathalogical lying and lack of responsibility.

You can't be expected to live like this, so you'll have to speak to the landlord and change the locks.
Get him out.

pictish Mon 26-Mar-12 22:08:58

Oh, and if he can afford stag weekends and new clothes, he can afford the deposit on flat.
He has got to go.

twolittlemonkeys Mon 26-Mar-12 22:11:33

Wow, that was a long post. I agree you need to get him out. Definitely go to the CAB for advice. I'd be tempted to put all his belongings in binliners and stick them outside, and change the locks whilst he's out. However, I think you need to protect yourself and if he becomes violent/abusive when you lock him out, call the police. If it's in your name, and you pay the rent and all the bills, and you've broken up with him, surely he has no right to be in your flat without your consent. He sounds unhinged.

Bohica Mon 26-Mar-12 22:12:21

I will admit it, I haven't read all of your very long post, mainly because I have had wine but I have gathered he is a twat and you can do better.

You need to find your inner respect and chuck him out, it is easily done by packing his bags and changing the locks.

You then deal with everything else one day at a time.

Crocodilio Mon 26-Mar-12 22:15:13

Get a large, tough male relative or friend to come to stay for a few days, change your locks, pack up his stuff and leave it outside, and don't let him back in, don't answer his calls. Call the police if necessary.

This man is a cunt.

sunshineandbooks Mon 26-Mar-12 22:16:18

You sound like you're all over the place, which isn't surprising under the circumstances. sad

I think you need to accept the fact that he isn't going to go voluntarily, and things aren't going to move on unless you make them. God knows you've got enough to deal with being 7 months pregnant, but the only person who can change this situation is you I'm sorry.

You need to wait until he's gone one day and then chuck his stuff out and change the locks. He will rant and rave and call you all sorts of things for doing it, but he's had 6 months notice and abused it and you need to keep reminding yourself of that every time you feel yourself weaken.

Then you need to cut all ties with him until you're ready to discuss contact for your baby. You don't need to have any contact with him even if he wants to be involved with the baby. While you're vulnerable having just given birth I'd advise that you arrange things either through a solicitor or through a mutual friend. When you are recovered from the birth and feeling stronger you can think about discussing things directly.

But the first step is kicking him out and keeping him out, and while you can have plenty of support for that from friends, family, Womens Aid, MN and the police, the only person who can do it - and more importantly not let him back - in is you.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

HoudiniHissy Mon 26-Mar-12 22:19:53

Flat's in your name? Then pack his shit. Move it out and change the locks. Supply a key to the Landlord and explin that you lost a key and was worried about security.

I'd also seriously consider NOT putting his name on the birth certificate. Get advice, or you may be compelled to involve this hideous, abusivr and highly dangerous m$an in your life and that of your DC.

gett tough, anticipate very trick in the book being used. You can AND MUST do this!

Vintagelover Mon 26-Mar-12 22:57:51

Thank you everyone. Im sorry the post was long winded( as with this one) i guess i wanted to give some background and point out that I am no angel and that we both had a part to play in the break down of our relationship.

I dont know what to do as i feel so bad, he used to be realy nice and blaims his nastiness now on me cheating on him .. he says i am going to be taking his home and family away from him :-( I dont want to be that horrible person and I am not .. Its just.. how exactly long am i meant to give him? :-(

Maybe it would help if we took all of the background issues out of the equaision.

the facts

1.I dont love him any longer and have been asking him to leave for 5 months.
2. He wont agree to split up, hasnt left and keeps putting back the leaving date and spending money on other things.
3.He has paid the rent for the time he has been here (though never on time and lied about it)and i pay all the bills and will be paying all the rent from 16th april.
4. the flat and all bills are all in my name.
5. I am 7 months pregnant so need to stay in the flat, plus it is in my name so he couldnt stay if i left anyway.
6. he gets upset and verbally abusive when i mention money/him leaving/splitting up.
7.even though i told him i dont want to be with him, he doesnt take it in, he also expects that he can use my mobile whenever he wants and the home phone and threw a strop recently as i didnt want to pay for the sports channel bcoz its in my name ( he said he would pay for it.. but just another thing i see him paying for and not moving out) I got it in the end.. I couldnt deal with the stress as with most things...
He keeps using things like the phone and racks up bills of around £70 a month which i have to then rely on that he will pay as its in my name(he has so far but was late with the last payment which made me overdrawn) - I have so little money and am worried one day he just wont pay.
8. he still can be nice, still sometimes does things for me.. and when he is like this and moving or money isnt mentioned i can almost drift along ok ... sometimes its just to much stress to deal with

I guess my question is if we take out the 'whos done what' and look at the facts. Is it still reasonable of me to change locks etc if he still doesnt go on the 16th. As although i want to be free and stress free i would just feel so bad doing something like that ...

sunshineandbooks Mon 26-Mar-12 23:01:25

The money is irrelevant. If he wasn't there running up bills, you wouldn't be reliant on him to give you money to pay them in the first place.

The flat is in your name, you have asked him to leave and given him 5x longer than the average private rental agreement.

You are not the one being unreasonable here.

pictish Mon 26-Mar-12 23:04:15

Good God girl...what's it going to take to convince you?!
The longer he stays the more debt he's getting you into!!

You don't want him.

He has to leave. If he won't leave of his own volition, then you will have to put him out.
He can't force you to stay in a relationship with him...the fact that he is trying to speaks volumes about him. He is barmy!

thegreylady Mon 26-Mar-12 23:08:16

Don't wait till the 16th just change the locks. Pack his stuff and take it in a taxi to his friend's place. Then if he harrasses you tell the police try to have a male relative or friend around when he comes. You are not married,he is not on the tenancy for the flat and he has no right to be there. If you wait any longer you will be very close to giving birth and you don't need the stress.

twolittlemonkeys Mon 26-Mar-12 23:08:39

It is perfectly reasonable for you to change the locks if he doesn't go. Hate to break it to you, but there won't be a stress-free solution. He's been making your life a misery for the last 5 months since you asked him to leave and will continue to do so. Please, please don't talk yourself into putting up with this any longer. You and your baby need some peace, and you're not going to have that whilst he's there getting you into debt and treating you with contempt. From 16th April he has no right to be there, so have your plan sorted, including some burly friends or relatives to hand if necessary to help you feel safe when he returns to find all himself locked out and all his stuff in bin bags on the pavement

1gglePiggle Mon 26-Mar-12 23:09:08

Yes it is reasonable to chuck him out. It's domestic abuse what he's doing to you. Don't blame yourself for what he's like and didn't you say he was like it before you told him you'd cheated on him anyway?

illwallwoo Mon 26-Mar-12 23:15:07

Right,

where are you?

I (and my Dh who is big) would like to come and get you and rid you of this cock-lodger.

FFs! what a nasty, manipulative, tosser!

He needs to go.

izzyizin Mon 26-Mar-12 23:30:27

My apologies - I failed to notice that the tenancy agreement is in your name and, as that's the case, you don't have to put up with this twat a minute longer

He has no legal right to remain in your property and if he refuses to leave, you are are liberty to call the police and ask them to remove him at any time of the day or night and there's certainly no need for you to wait until 16th April for him to get his act together - I suspect you know that date will come and go and he'll still be in your home treating you like shit.

Alternatively, as has been suggested, you can change the entry door lock(s) to your home, pack his belongings in black bags (no need to fold clothes or protect any delicate items), and text him to collect them at a given time otherwise you'll bin them.

To get rid of this abusive leech you're going to have to be very firm and, after he's left your home one way or another, you're best advised to continue giving him the consistent message that it's over and you won't be taking him back.

In addition, as advised by Hissy, I would strongly urge you not to name him on your forthcoming dc's birth certificate.

By kicking him into orbit out of your home, you certainly can't be accused of being a 'hard-hearted bitch' and there's no need for you to feel bad about getting shot of this parasite.

The fact is that he doesn't give a toss about you and he wouldn't be at all bothered if his failure to pay the rent led to you being made homeless.

Do you have a couple of rl mates who'll help you do the necessary?

Is he there now? Do it right now. Ring the police non emergency number and warn them that he might kick off, and get rid of his stuff right now.

He is abusing you sad

And tell your landlord that he wont leave. He might even come round and change the locks for you.

It is your home. He has no right to be there if you dont want him to. Even if all of his stuff is still in there, its tough shit. Just sort out the locks and dont let him in.

AnyFucker Mon 26-Mar-12 23:44:45

inform your landlord you want him out

change the locks when he is out

when he comes hammering at the door, call the police and keep doing that until he gets the message

do not agree to discuss your "relationship" any longer, go cold turkey on the contact completely

don't take his calls, texts etc

do not be guilt-tripped into letting him be at the birth of the baby or come to any of your antenatal appts

tell him you are finished, and you will be in touch later on to discuss his access to his child when you are good and ready, sai access will be supervised until he proves he will not use your child against you

give Women's Aid a ring and clarify for yourself that there is no future with a man like this, don't just take our word for it

Vintagelover Mon 26-Mar-12 23:45:09

Lol thanks illwallwoo I could do with some big burly friends :-)

Even though I am named on the tenancy and it is my flat .. he has paid the rent for this month which ends on the 13th. Am i not right in thinking he has a right to be here if he has paid the rent? xx

AnyFucker Mon 26-Mar-12 23:48:09

he gave you the money to pay in your name

unless he has proof of that, it means nothing

did he tell you this nugget of information ?

file that one away with the rest of the bullshit he has been feeding you

it is your home, you can tell him to leave whenever you like and I suggest you stop listening to a word he says

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 26-Mar-12 23:50:15

you can ask the police to attend while he leaves in order to prevent a breach of the peace, that way, if he kicks off he will get locked up and either way you get him out.

arrange a time with the police and then tell him he is leaving. you do not have to put up with this.

scarletforya Mon 26-Mar-12 23:51:55

Is it still reasonable of me to change locks etc if he still doesnt go on the 16th. As although i want to be free and stress free i would just feel so bad doing something like that

He's not going to go on the 16th OP. He's a liar, why would he do what he says. YOU have to take charge and make him go. So when he's out get the locks changed and bag up all his shit and leave it outside.

You're going to have to get over 'feeling bad' because it's ridiculous. This bloke is abusive and a waste of space. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is using you and HE doesn't feel one bit bad about it. So you're going to have to start standing up for yourself otherwise this horrible situation is going to continue.

HE is not going to do it for you. He won't leave to make it easy for you. He won't be reasonable. It doesn't suit him. He's cocklodging with you while he squanders money on sunglasses and stag nights and you feel bad?

Come on OP. Get rid of him. He's long overdue his marching orders.

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