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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Found Out My Husband is Sleeping With Escorts

165 replies

bagpus77 · 22/03/2012 21:32

[Message from MNHQ: This thread was started in 2012. It's a zombie thread. Just saying...]

Hi all,

I am a mother of two beautiful children ad the wife of a man I adore. We have been together always and last week I discovered he has been sleeping with escorts for at least half of our married life.

He denied it until there was no way out and so last night the man who I thought I could trust told me everything.

He was paying for sex each week with various different hookers or whatever it is they are called. He said he finds me dull in bed and that since the kids my need for sex is almost not there and he didn't want to bug me for sex.

I am devastated and just dont know what to do other than cry and feel so angry. I can't look at him anymore for betraying me and my trust.

I love him but don't like him much right now.

OP posts:

Report

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/03/2012 21:40

How awful

Please do not take the blame for his vile habits - instead of talking to you and investing in his marriage, he chose to cheat and worse, to buy sex from vulnerable women. That says a lot of about him and his beliefs about women.

Paying for sex is the worst kind of cheating in my view.

I hope both of you are getting tested for STDs - its worrying because if he has been doing it while you were pregnant and breastfeeding, he could have passed on nasty diseases to the DC as well as you.

Please do confide in real life friends and family - you need their support while you make a decision about your future.

foolonthehill · 22/03/2012 21:41

I am so sorry, so, so sorry. You must be in pieces right now.

You won't want to hear this but you need to get yourself to an STD clinic.

I am sure other will be along to offer their support and wisdom.

You are not alone

ImperialBlether · 22/03/2012 21:42

How awful. I couldn't live with him any more. I really couldn't. This has become a way of life for him and I'd want to be apart from him.

By the way, did he really say you were dull in bed, or did he say he was bored? There is a difference and I'd hate you to feel even worse than you do already.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2012 21:46

You are not a dull person

He is a dull person

His sexual tastes have been "dulled" by his entitlement, his selfishness, his liking for porn (I would put money on that) and his hatred for the reality of women

He has had his morals and his sense of what it means to be a decent person dulled by something, and let me guarantee right now, it is not you and your children

do not, for one minute, take the blame for his dysfunction

AKissIsNotAContract · 22/03/2012 21:47

So sorry you are going through this, it must be awful. Is there somewhere he can stay for a while to give you some headspace?

Goawaybob · 22/03/2012 21:51

How horrible for you, what a fucking pig - i was prepared to accept another side to him, but he said you are dull in bed? I don't have the words. He has to pay women to pretend that he is not dull, thats the long and short of it. I actually feel sorry for him.

What do you want to do? Are things otherwise good?

WhereMyMilk · 22/03/2012 22:15

I second AF.

And this would be a deal breaker for me. I'm not one for saying this, but tell him to go.

Sorry you're going through this,x

bagpus77 · 22/03/2012 22:35

I have no idea what to do right now. I just look at him and don't know him.
He is drinking heavily every night and cries when I bring it up. He is close to many of these hookers and was actually screwing around while i was pregnant both times. I think he is sick.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/03/2012 22:37

yes, he is sick

and you are not the cure

Fairenuff · 22/03/2012 22:39

He admits to cheating for half of your married life so he has been lying to you all that time (possibly longer).

He only admitted it when he had to, so you cannot trust him to be truthful in the future.

He pays women to use thier bodies for his sexual gratification, so he does not respect women or even think of them as 'real', worthy people.

He has put your health at risk, and your childrens health too, so he doesn't care about any of you.

He has tried to say that this is all because of you, so he is not mature enough to take responsibility for his own actions.

He is clearly not the man you thought he was. OP, I am so very sorry but I really cannot think of one single reason why you should put up with this man any longer. At least get him to move out to give you some thinking time, it'sa lot to take in all at once.

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/03/2012 22:39

He is sick. You need space and I really think he needs to give you the space to allow you to process your thoughts and emotions - this means he would have to move out.

charitygirl · 22/03/2012 22:40

While you were pregnant both times? So it has nothing to do with the arrival of kids.

How vile he is. You really need to get away from him to get some perspective and headspace. Living with him must be skewing your perception. I hope you have real life support, please tell friends/family - DON'T keep it a secret.

Goawaybob · 22/03/2012 22:43

It is the fact that he was close to these women that would be the deal breaker for me. Only you can decide what you want to do, i would struggle for forgive him if i am honest. I wish i could make this go away for you.

May i ask how you found out? did he confess?

SinicalSanta · 22/03/2012 22:43

I am so sorry bagpus

Is he a drinker as well?

He doesn't sound great, laying around getting pissed and feeling sorry for himself after dropping this bombshell on you.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2012 22:45

yes, he's a proper fucking boo-hoo'er isn't he ?

what a self-pitying, inadequate arsehole

BoffinMum · 22/03/2012 22:47

Show him the door. He has completely crossed the line.

bagpus77 · 22/03/2012 22:51

I have found texts on his phone and emails from one woman who he seems to be besotted by. The messages are of pure filth and he claims it was her chasing him? He says he felt sorry for her and wanted to help her. I can't believe he could lie like this to me. He denied and denied it when I asked him months ago. He says he won't go to seek help but says he feels I put the kids first. Hello! I have to they are babies.
I have asked him to move out.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/03/2012 22:53

don't ask, tell

Goawaybob · 22/03/2012 22:57

I am glad you have come to that conclusion bagpuss, I am so very sorry for your situation. Please know that it was NOTHING that you did. He has blown it, now move on and find someone who deserves you. xx

SinicalSanta · 22/03/2012 22:58

un mnetty hugs to you.

You will see he is no loss, hard as it seems now.

It's all about him isn't it.
He cheats with escorts - they have to put him first, and pretend he is a king. It's not like he wooed some girl who he'd have to put himself out for.
He drinks and is full of self pity when found out. what about you?
He won't seek help. Why would he. At the end of the day being treated like a king is fun and he doesn't want to give that up.
He believes YOU should be treating him like a king - never mind you need the energy for small children. He thinks you should prioritise his ego over your children.

I do feel for you. But think of the extra work trying to please him would cost you, if nothing else. You don't need it. You get nothing back

Doha · 22/03/2012 22:59

OMG he is a disgusting excuse for a man.
He has put your health at risk, the mother of his kids.Of course you should be putting the DC's in front of him, that's just how it is.
He has no excuse for this. He has been spending family money on these hookers and would continue to do so if he hadn't been caught
He is sick and you are not the cure.
He is crying because he has been caught and his perfect world of having his cake and eating it has crumbled. How will he explain this to his mum and dad.
He is crying for himself-not you,not ther DC's
Get shot and get yourself for an STI check.
There can be NO going back from this. A complete deal breaker. If he won't leave suggest that you wil be phoning his parents to break the news, then see what happens.

HepHep · 22/03/2012 22:59

Agree with AF, don't ask, tell. It's not optional, and needs to be done asap.

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lisad123 · 22/03/2012 23:04

Don't have much to add, other than your doing the right thing.

Pickgo · 23/03/2012 01:04

Don't neglect the practicalities. See a solicitor. Empty any joint accounts. (How much money must he have spent on his disgusting habit?) Tell him you need to be apart to consider how you feel then change the locks.

So awful for you. You deserve so much more and so do your DC. Take care.

Unknownmember · 23/03/2012 02:43

My H has slept with an escort and did so while I was pregnant. It was unprotected. It is the worst feeling and knowing that they have put you and your children in jeopardy, it's awful.

The length of time he has done this for is unforgivable and his reason for doing so. Sleeping with an escort is about inflating his ego and paying someone for sex, I don't understand it.

I agree with everyone, get an STD test. The wait is awful but it's worth the peace of mind.

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