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This will be long. I need help please

(24 Posts)
2wwmadness Thu 22-Mar-12 19:45:34

Some may know my history here. I don't know how to post other links?!

I am 34 weeks pg. we have just moved from city n to city b. about 3 hours away. Dh moved here 3 months before me for work. We havnt had an easy relationship over the years. We married at 21, met at 19 when dh was a student and I was working. We fell in love hard. Like neither of us had before.
Over the years we smoked weed. Socialised loads in the early days. I developed n eating disorder and got really Ill. It was hard on dh but eventually I got help and got better. It did alot of damage on our relationship. We have survived his one night stand, the 6 month separation that followed and I had a fling with someone when we were split up. I was also using drugs. Stopped all now. We moved around alot for dh's career. He is very good at what he does, but he pits the hours in and works away quiet alot. Didn't really bother me, until dh ponted it out he other day quiet how much time we have spent apart over the years. I find the moves hard, I miss friends and family and I'm miserable to begin with. But I thought we were happy, just like normal couples. We planned this dc.
Dh is sole carer for his mum. She is bi-polar. He has always told me about the situation but to be honest, I had never had any experience in mental illness and it's been a massive learning curve for me. I've found it hard at times. But lov my mil dearly. This last year. His mum has had a huge high and a huge low. She tried to commit suicide just before Christmas, jus before he moved for his new job. He stayed with my family until I joined him.
He's been so stressed. He was leaving the house at 6:30 coming home at 9:30. Any time off he had to his mum in city s.
I was struggling on my own in city n. I tried not to make too much of a fuss. But I've moaned about the level of care he had to give his mum at times. I'm not proud of myself, I thought by trying to cope with myself on my own it would lessen the burden on dh. I didn't do a good job

So, I get here and dh is a wreck. Crying his eyes out saying sorry. He couldn't say certain things ect. Hit me like a tonne of bricks. I react badly. Assume ts an affair again. He's drinking alot and going out alot. I was expecting to come down to marital bliss! I panic, check his phone, accuse him. Go a bit psycho. He says no one else s involved.

We move into our house (I had to find it, view it ect in my own as es been busy with work) he tells me he's not in love with me anymore. He doesn't love me like he should and I've let him down. I didn't support him when he needed. He's been thinking about the pat years nd he's been masking feelings and lying o himself and we have issues ect. He goes from angry with me and saying hurtful things (especially when drinking, which he still is) to apologising and saying he really wants to make it work and he just needs time. He knows we could be amazing in the future and he doesn't feel it now. He believes it will come back.
he's so cold. No affection at all and I'm really struggling with that. We are trying to act "normal" chat ect but i forced. We end up having serious convo's every night. It's exhausting. he doesn't think he can balance his mums care and me.

I on the other hand, feel like I'm loosing my mind. My dreams are shattered and I have no one to talk to. I want th relationship to work but I deserve better. I feel like when I needed him, the end our pregnancy, all the stress we have been through. We need to bond. And I just don feel part of his life. His career is totally taking off. Really inflating his ego. Rightfully so. But I'm here. On my own. No one to talk to trying to wai patiently to see if he wants o be with me and we make I work.

He other option for me is I o back to my home town. Instant support network. Bu I'll be a single mum. No income. And the total love of my life, all up dreams and happiness. Gone.

What should I do? How to a stay strong an give him space an time when we live in the same house. And he's got more of a life here without me. How can I show him we I'll be goi again when I have nothing o offer him. How do we let go of our anger ? An feelings of bing let down. I'm sorry this is so long. I needed to giv you h back story. Any questions please ask. I need all th help I can get

dukeofpork Thu 22-Mar-12 19:53:28

Oh dear. Could he be having a pre-baby wobble?

Seems like you have been through a lot together. How long have you been together (sorry if you have said it and I have missed it)? Have you ever had much fun, apart from when on drugs?

Would you (both) consider some sort of counselling?

Don't panic. Have an early night and think clearly in the morning.

Sorry I haven't helped much.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 22-Mar-12 19:58:03

There is a lot of unhealthy stuff going on with each of you, and with the relationship.

Honestly, I think you would do well to split, and then go to individual counseling to work on yourself - what led you to have an eating disorder, to take a lot of drugs, to stay with a man who does the same and has cheated on you and drinks too much, etc.

I think that it is only once you are away from the chaos of dysfunction the two of you share that you will be able to see into yourself more clearly, and to find the healthier you.

2wwmadness Thu 22-Mar-12 20:20:05

I've had counselling. The eating disorder and things were dealt with. The drugs on the break were recreational. I went a bit over the top but it was in the "party girl" spirit. I was partying a lot. I havnt touched anything since.

He is mentioning his own upbringing a lot. His grandad and his dad both walks out on their sons and it was traumatic for him. We are having a boy. He keeps saying if he left now he wouldn't know any different. Part of me thinks it's a pre baby wobble. He says he's over thinking things. But my version is over simplifying.

If we separate. This is the end. Im so in love with him and cannot rebuild myself again for us to sort it put and get back together.

Rhinosaurus Thu 22-Mar-12 20:28:39

Have you considered your dp may have mental health issues? A third of children with parents who have mental health issues have emotional disorders, and two thirds of children living with a mentally ill parent have long term negative impacts.

He needs to see his GP.

2wwmadness Thu 22-Mar-12 20:33:27

Rhino. Yes. Compleatly. He is very reluctant to see a gp. The gp will sign him off work and he won't go off work. He places SO much value on his career. He didn't used to. I think he is having a few issues mentally. Maybe just through stress. It's a very sensitive subject with him

struwelpeter Thu 22-Mar-12 20:39:18

Sounds like he needs to talk to his GP or some other professional to sort himself out. Long hours, sole carer of someone who is up and down with bi-polar and a baby on the way. Which is the one thing he thinks (wrongly, probably) he can ditch - you and the baby.
And you need to build a RL support network in new town v quickly. Can you get in touch with local NCT or find the MN local to you. You sound both v scared and yet you realise you are the one who will have to cope. You are right he does have the chance and the means to cut off from you.
Try not to overanalyse at this stage of your pregnancy. It could be the end of the relationship, it may be a wobble but can you tell him as nicely as possible that you need to concentrate on next few weeks by preparing and being calm. Ask him if he will be there with you for the birth and for x weeks afterwards. But if you can get someone in RL to be around it is probably wise too, especially afterwards. Good luck.

2wwmadness Thu 22-Mar-12 20:55:07

Stru that's exactly what I've said to him. The only thing he can control is me. He says he will be here. He keeps saying he wants it to work but right now doesn't feel it. He's gone out tonight. I've not kicked up a fuss. Or text him or anything. He says he will be on the last train home. I trust him to do that. He knows it's important to me, like me not hassling him to come home every 3 seconds like psycho insecure woman. If he gets the last train, it's progress. He realises that he needs to behave better and he has a wife and baby on the way. He has the suburban life and he can't live his city life totally. I cannot believe I'm even thinking this. Or saying it. I don't know what's happened to him! Pray he comes home on the last train!

Hattytown Thu 22-Mar-12 20:55:48

You say he has already been unfaithful once before and is now saying that he isn't in love with you and is cold and unaffectionate.

I think he's having an affair and is hiding behind several issues to mask that truth i.e. the stress of caring for his mum, your previous relationship problems etc. I think all of those things are almighty smokescreens for the one thing he doesn't want you to know about and the one thing for which no blame at all can be put at your door - his infidelity.

Telling you that you haven't been supportive enough, haven't spent enough time with him, were ill in the past are all ways to blame you for his own behaviour right now. I think that none of those things are contributory factors in his behaviour towards you right now and that the most likely cause of this is a relationship with someone else.

I doubt very much that he will be honest with you about that because he needs to blame you and hide behind all these smokescreens. Your best bet is to check his technology before confronting him with your suspicions.

2wwmadness Thu 22-Mar-12 21:04:42

He's got passwords on everything. He will show me his phone if I ask. He deleates stuff though. He gets so offended if I ask to see his phone. I will show him everything on mine, just hand it to him. I don't understand that to fix my insecurities he wouldn't just take the passwords off. He said me checking up on him is the worst. Im not totally convinced there hasn't been a fling. He just says he would f just left before e did anything. I do believe him. I just wish he wold help me with my insecurities and let this thing about phone checking go. I told him if I as wrong I wold be gutted I needed to check up in him and feel ba nd guilty so he wod "win" in. Long run

2wwmadness Thu 22-Mar-12 21:14:15

Oh the affair thing is my biggest fear! How can I hack a hotmail account without him knowing. See psycho woman thought happening....

oikopolis Thu 22-Mar-12 21:16:58

Distance yourself from him OP. tbh in your shoes, i would tell him to go to the GP for a counselling referral, and then go straight back to my hometown and settling into the support network there.

he is either having a breakdown or an affair. either way, he needs to sort it out himself, and you need people around you who will take care of YOU.

2wwmadness Thu 22-Mar-12 21:26:16

I need proof hrs cheating. How?!?

2wwmadness Thu 22-Mar-12 21:26:55

Proof if hes*

2wwmadness Fri 23-Mar-12 01:16:15

He wasn't on the last train

2wwmadness Fri 23-Mar-12 06:35:30

He didn't come home at all. Was battered drunk and stayed at a mates. Oh god what do I do. I text his dad. He's drinking so much. He needs help. He just won't take it from me. I think I'm going to go to my mums. See why traction that sparks in him. Hes living someone else's life! Not ours. The change has been monumental! I honesty think he's having a breakdown.

Seabright Fri 23-Mar-12 06:46:43

Will he be off work today? If so, could you ring his GP and request a home visit? Explain in advance the problem, so the GP knows.

2wwmadness Fri 23-Mar-12 08:44:39

No, he's gone to work! In the same clothes he had on yesterday, after sleeping on a mates sofa when he was so drink he couldn't type. Oh fucking hell. I'm writing a letter to him right now. Calmly explaining how worried I am. I think I'm going to go and stay with my mum and dad. I need to shock him that I'm serious. He must get help. I'm hoping if it is an affair then my letter will guilt him into a confession. I have doubts but I'm
Not convinced totally he is. I think he's more Ill. My heads done in. 5 weeks today I will be having a c section to deliver out son. 5 weeks and all this. He won't ring in sick. God never! He's actually tried to book the c section around him taking time off work so not to affect the business! He is obsessed with his work as results. Coz he's achieving, massively hitting the goals. He like a god at the moment. He's cracking under all the pressure. Except only I can see it. I can't the bad side. After everything we've been through. I'm deveratated

fiventhree Fri 23-Mar-12 08:56:18

Look, obviously this guy in under some pressure. His mum will have had problems for years and now he thinks it is his job to look after her. He is sacrificing his own family to provide the support she isnt getting elsewhere. He is also working too hard, probably as a release and to get some positive feedback in his life. He is hiding in it, actually.

He has a lot of issues he needs to sort. As soon as a baby comes along, meaning he needs to refocus on you, he pulls away and behaves badly. There may be an OW, or not.

This isnt your fault. I do think you should go to your mums and get some support. If nothing else, it will be good for you, and also it may make him face up to his primary responsibilities.

mommykelly Fri 23-Mar-12 09:22:30

i have two babies, my partner who does suffer mental illness also had large breakdowns when each child was coming up to due. i wont go into details, his was different but your husband is showing big signs to me and i can see you sitting in that boat i was in

i really feel for you , especially as it is such a big time for you, you must be angry too as in the dream world he should be rallying around after you fetching you drinks and stuff.

i suggest like you said you stay with your parents. you need to give him an almighty kick up the ass, write a letter to him this way he cant interrupt or talk you out of it.

you have to believe me that it is for the best to get away and look after yourself. i wish i had someone that said this to me. if you dont it can all get so much worse for him you and baby. it broke my heart reading this beacuse you wont and he defo wont see how much this effects everything.

Gladly i can say that when he does get help and baby comes along things will get better. my partner has been on medications and counselling and we have come so far, we love each other now much more than ever and i didnt know that was possible!

i hope i havent upset you but really dont give in to him you will be doing the right thing by forcing him into help. even if it turns out it isnt a break down you can then work out where you both stand.
good luck

2wwmadness Fri 23-Mar-12 14:01:56

Quick update. I've written him a letter. Clearly staring what's acceptable and what we need to do. He's text today saying he needs a dr and and he's not well and not coping and wants to get better. I've told him that I'm going to my mums, but have a bath. Read the letter and rest. No booze. Just stop for a min and look after himself.
Mimmykelly I really appreciate your advice. You give me hope. If anyone else has any advice on helping men cope with stress, grief and depression it would be very much appreciated.

It's going to be long and hard. But he supported me when I dealt with my demons. He needs to deal with his.
I wish counseling was given like a prescription in this country! Mental health is so important and we have to fight so hard for help and wonder why relationships breakdown and society has so many problems!
Any way..... Thanks everyone.

jan2011 Fri 23-Mar-12 15:29:49

hey ,

just wanted to say im sorry about all you are going through at this important time in your life. i too, went through similar things to both of you - a lot of issues, a lot of stress and relationship problems all at once which came to a head when i was pregnant. i ended up going to my mums for weeks at a time - and i would urge you to do the same - so that you are cared for, supported emotionally and physically and are able to have that rest - not constant arguments and conflict. if you could both get individual AND couples counselling it would be great.
afer my baby was born, dh and i went to couples counselling, we are still going. our relationship has improved, we are working on issues, we have come a long way and things are becoming settled for the baby. i can also go to mums for a weekend here and there to give us both a break and a rest - its hard dealing with so many issues. i really hope this gives you hope - in the meantime whatever you decide to do, you do need outside support - family, friends, professionals, just to help you through this difficult time - it does really make a difference.
all the best for you and your baby

Hattytown Fri 23-Mar-12 15:48:47

I think you are making far too many allowances for him and have too much belief that he is telling you the truth.

The only place he seems to lose his mental health and basic faculties is at home, yet he can continue working in an environment where judgement and decision-making are everything.

Whereas someone who is having an affair with a work colleague will be desperate to get to work, stay late and not come home - passing it off as 'sleeping at a mate's house'. I bet you don't have the phone number of this 'mate' or even know him very well, if at all.

Someone who is having an affair will also appear to be having a mental health crisis because of the split-self an affair induces and the stress of leading a life full of lies.

His father and his grandfather walked out on their marriages and he's already been unfaithful once before. He says he's not in love with you and blames you for all the problems in your relationship. He started this job and lived apart from you for 3 months and you noticed a massive change in his behaviour towards you when you got together again. All his technology is password protected and he won't let you know what the codes are, turning your request to have them back on to you as being wrong for wanting to snoop.

It seems absolutely obvious to me that he's been having an affair with someone he has met in his new job. All the time he didn't have to see you, he could live with the guilt but as soon as you moved to the new city, the guilt hit him and this sparked the first wobble. I think the affair then intensified until you moved into your new home and that sparked the second, most recent wobble.

I think it's possible that you've been lied to comprehensively about what even you thought were excessive visits to his mum and also his long working hours. I don't think he's been sick visiting or working nearly as much as you think.

You are right to refuse to be treated this way, but misguided if you think that this will all come right with enough love, attention and patience on your part, or any belief that you can fix this.

I don't think he's ill. I think he's unfaithful.

isagrey64 Fri 10-Feb-17 04:13:38

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