'You silly little woman'

[TrippleBerryFairy]

Been called this by my (D)P this morning. Great start of the day.

Situation in short - I got woken up at 6am by DS and realized I was feeling pretty run down (as made a mistake of spending some time with him the light before watching crap tv). So I turn to him and ask if he could please let me have a tiny lie in till 7 am. For ONE hour. His answer is no, he has to work. He works from home and tons at the moment btw. But I know for a fact he would never get up at 6, he would lie in till 9 or so. So I know it's just an excuse and that he will NOT be getting up any time soon if I leave him in peace.

I proceed telling him exactly that and he gets all hufty. In the end we have a proper row with him swearing in front of DS and yelling. Quite often he descends into yelling btw and it's quite pathetic really.

Somewhere amid the row he throws this 'you silly little woman!' at me.

At the moment I couldn't care less about him, I just want him to go. That was a nasty thing to say and to me it shows exactly how he sees me - silly little woman, despite the fact I have a good ft job, masters degree and I am looking after DS whenever I am not at work because he works even at weekends. I am a silly little woman because I enable him to do things he wants to do (work).

He genuinely has tons to do as he basically works 1.5 jobs (his choice as we had plans to renovate the house etc) but have I really deserved what I got for asking for ONE HOUR'S lie in?...

I find that comment especially demeaning and belittling. And btw, just yesterday I mentioned to him that I'm feeling a bit down about myself (eating disorder from the past rearing its ugly head again etc).

There was no Mother's day in our house. He didn't get a card for me from DS(2.5) , I bought myself flowers on saturday.

I feel very disappointed and numb. We are not talking and I don't give a sh** if we never speak again (theoretically. we have DS so probably will make up at some point).

Am I overreacting?

[rightchoice]

Quite honestly his comment says more about him than it says about you. Has he ever said anything like this 'in anger' before? I find him quite revealing saying 'silly little woman'. Would I be mad - you betcha.

[baabaapinksheep]

He sounds charming.

[foolonthehill]

Not overreacting from my POV. He was very disrespectful, not mindful of young one listening and assumed he had the right to the lie in ahead of you...however you were feeling. I'm glad you stood up to him...does he normally act like this?

[ImperialBlether]

It's a patronising thing for him to say and I can see why you were upset.

Why do you not have a system where you take it in turns to lie in? Why do you have to do everything and he does nothing in the house? That really isn't right or fair.

[HandDivedScallopsrgreat]

No you aren't overreacting at all. He is being particularly demeaning. I would go beserk if DH said that to me.

[joanofarchitrave]

Maybe you (collectively) need to rethink your plans. Remodelling the house with such a young child is a killer (unfortunately I speak from experience, although ds was 4). Why now? What about 'downsizing' to one FT job each, then you might actually be able to be nice to each other?

[TrippleBerryFairy]

rightchoice - I'm ashamed to say it but yes, when DS was smaller we used to have horrible rows and he threw 'I can't even be sure DS is mine!' at me. Not that he doubts it but purely to hurt me. God that sounds horrible written down. I have been evil to him as well by the way - threatening to leave etc...

Footonthehill - I did tell him that if he continues to yell like that and swear in front of DS there will be decisions made (aka threat to leave him... I always seem to resort to this...). He doesn't scare me I hasten to add, his yelling just makes me want to slap him really...

[TrippleBerryFairy]

ImperialBlether - we used to have a system where he would have DS on sat mornings and occasionally on sun morn as well till 10-11am. Since he's got this additional 0.5 job things have gone pearshaped - I am becoming responsible for all things in the house (e.g. he used to do laundry but not anymore) and DS so in reality I go from working my ft job to working ft at home. Which would sort of be ok if the athmosphere was ok but it's not. I actually enjoy when he's out of the house - I feel so much happier and calmer and even all the housework doesn't seem that hard...

I know it's going to be hell till one of his projects finishes and I am willig to support him but being called silly little woman for asking for ONE HOUR?...

[neuroticmumof3]

It's mother's day ffs, of course you should have had a lie in. My blood would boil if someone called me a silly little woman so I can empathise with how you're feeling.

[foolonthehill]

Rather than threatening to leave him

(...which, unless you actually mean it will lose all impact and believability...and really isn't a great comeback)

Perhaps you both need to set some boundaries around how you talk to one-another and what can/can't be said, and some boundaries around time...of which you both have very little...if you are both flat out and there is no support for either of you things look like they could get very unpleasant for all of you very quickly.

so somehow, less work, or more give and take........both directions

[blowcushion]

So sorry *mozarela" and hope that you feel calmer now.

My XP did something very similar - turned out that he'd been seeing another woman for years and was treating me as if I was the "bad guy!" Hindsight is a wonderful gift! Not sure if this will help you!

Take care and best wishes

[rightchoice]

If you guys are going to make it a happier home you have got to nip this in the bud. Him being concecending to you, and you saying evil things to him is a recipe for disaster.

Horrible remarks to each other leave scars, just like nails hammered into a piece of wood, you can pull out the nails but the scars are still there, and they never disappear.

You need to find the good in what you are both doing, working hard, raising a child together. See if you can start working together and respecting each other. I know at the moment you couldn't care less about him, because he was horrible, but no doubt he feels just the same when you are evil.

Give it another go - I know he hurt you, and you have definately been put down today, but if you sink to that level yourself at times, it is hard to defend. Rise above it if you can. The last thing you want is to have such a disrespect for each other that it can never be repaired. hugs all the same!!

[squeakytoy]

I think focussing on those three words is the wrong thing. Is it possible you could have also said to him "you are such stupid man"... as that is exactly the same level of insult.

You were both arguing, and that is the problem. Moreso if it is in front of your child too.

It sounds like you are both under a lot of stress trying to work, run a house, renovate a house, and all with a small child in the mix too.

[lydiamama]

He did not get a card, no flowers or anything, and still did not allow you a lie-in, uhhmmmmmm he deserves what he got, and you should treat yourself to anything you like, it is YOUR DAY. Show him you are no any silly little woman, and if he wants your respect back, he will have to earn it by behaving in a proper way. And the best way to show him your value is not to make threats in vain, and when he yells at you just plainly say 'you look ridiculous darling, calm yourself', that will stop him, always act very cool, calmed and in control, you will win him, you will see

[garlicbutter]

Is this a stress-induced row or one extra straw on the camel's back?

... him swearing in front of DS and yelling. Quite often he descends into yelling

he throws this 'you silly little woman!' at me

I am becoming responsible for all things in the house (e.g. he used to do laundry but not anymore) and DS ... I go from working my ft job to working ft at home

I actually enjoy when he's out of the house - I feel so much happier and calmer

The final point is the most telling to me.

I guess that, if this all started at the same time as his extra project, there is hope. If it's only got worse, that's a bit more tricky. Obviously it's never OK to be angrily swearing at you in front of DS. And I, too, would hear a world of sexism in that one remark.

So the question is: why is H not apologising profusely at this moment?
He must be aware his anxiety is screwing up his family life. Doesn't he care?

[TrippleBerryFairy]

Thank you guys for your wise words, I was a bit scared of getting 'dump the bastard' replies but instead you spoke some wise words to me!

I guess we are both a bit hot headed and a bit short tempered. When hurt I always like to retreat into 'I'm leaving' mode (i my mind not reality). That's not constructive is it.

He apologized albeit not profusely but that's good enough I guess. We spoke about needing to stop these low blows to each other (which I am as guilty of as well, we both are just as bad).

garlicbutter I think he does care as he is usually the one to make up after an argument. I tend to sulk and not let go so easily. Not very good of me.

I like him out of the house partly because it's easier like that - when he's in and working DS wants to go into the office to see daddy and this results in tantrums and DP getting upset cause he gets distrubed. I get upset cause I have to carry struggling DS out of the office and the cheeky monkey tries to hide from me in most awkward corners...:)

rightchoice I love your words about nails hammered into the wood - so true! Hope we haven't gone too far.

DS is away at the moment and when he gets back I think we will have to talk a bit more about this and agree some rules so that no more nails are hammered into the wood...

[TrippleBerryFairy]

obviously I'll speak to DP not DS :)

[foolonthehill]

well done mozarella.

Hope you can find a happier place and time with your family....if not there's always MN!

[rightchoice]

Mozarela, it is never too late to change, to grow and to learn. You sound like you both have so much going for you, but have to get past the tetchy times which will occur time and time again with the pressures of life.

Remember, you both have a choice, you can be kind, wise and understanding when things get tough, or when you are both tired and over worked, or your can be petulant and argumentative. We all choose how we live and how we treat those we love.

Remember the little one is watching and learning.

Re-evaluate what you love about each other, and never take each other for granted, otherwise one day one or other of you will wake up and say ENOUGH I have had enough, and for one of you then it will be too late. Good luck both of you. Still sending hugs. Remember those nails.....

[garlicbutter]

You might benefit from an assertiveness course. This is my favourite primer. Doing a short course is better than sticking to books, as you get to practise with other people. There are assertiveness courses all over the place - try asking at the library, council offices and any colleges or women's centres nearby. They're cheap.

Assertively telling DP how serious this is getting, and that you need to work together on getting back to being a team, would involve a DESC approach (see the primer) and making sure you show you take it very seriously. Don't use overdone threats as your Consequence, make it something like "and then everything will run a lot smoother."

You can do it together, I'm sure :) Good luck!