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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Anyone there to help? I feel I'm drowning

241 replies

mosp · 17/03/2012 00:01

I don't know how much I'm allowed to say about this, but if I don't express my emotions I will explode.
I recently made a new friend. Long distance. He is doomed. The friendship is doomed. I can't cope. I didn't anticipate feeling so close. :(

OP posts:

Report

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2012 00:04

Doomed? How do you mean?

mosp · 17/03/2012 00:06

I knew that would be asked. I don't know how much I'm allowed to say. Might just talk about it and then get thread deleted.
He's on death row:(

OP posts:

mosp · 17/03/2012 00:17

No one about then :(

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2012 00:21

Oh god. So you are writing to each other and as often happens, you've become involved.

You know it's an unreal situation, don't you? You know what he's prepared to share. Despite how open he's been, he can withold what he thinks you can't deal with.

Do you have friends and relationships in RL?

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2012 00:22

Any relationship he forms with someone outside will be intense, because you have to be so much to him.

It's understandable why he's involved. What isn't understandable is why you're involved. I know letters are great, but don't you long for more from a man?

DitaVonCheese · 17/03/2012 00:27

OP, I've written to a couple of guys on death row and afaik there's no reason why you can't talk about it.

There are a few organisations who set up penpal for DR inmates so it seems likely there will be support groups as well. I know that some writers do get very close to their penpals so this will not be a new situation.

MrsSBackshaw · 17/03/2012 00:29

Oh dear mosp, you do not need this in your life at ALL!
Please make your next letter your last - there is a reason your man is on death row u know.
Please just think what kind of a man is this and realise you are worth so much more xx

mosp · 17/03/2012 00:32

I thought I was getting stronger. I wanted to give to another person who needs friendship. But I love him (not romantic, just really strongly care). I would swap places.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/03/2012 00:32

So he is a murderer? Does that not bother you?

mosp · 17/03/2012 00:33

He has committed a big crime, but I don't think that makes him less human than any of us.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2012 00:33

You need to bear in mind that he's probably writing to other women - there's no way you'd know.

I remember a tv programme about women writing to death row prisoners. A woman said she started writing to Peter Sutcliffe (Yorkshire Ripper) and fell in love with him without meeting him. She went to the prison for the first meeting and the prison officers (who'd read her mail) told her that he was writing to several women, promising marriage etc to all. It was an incredible shock for her. They didn't like the way he could do and say what he wanted and the women knew nothing about the reality of the situation.

To my mind, there are so many people who need help in this world. Could you not write to his victims' families if you really want to help?

mosp · 17/03/2012 00:34

It does bother me because it seems so far removed from the person I am getting to know

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2012 00:34

You would swap places with a murderer, when you haven't committed a crime?

I think you would benefit from counselling.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2012 00:35

Of course he doesn't seem like a murderer to you. It must be quite a while since he committed murder.

I think if you can't stop yourself from getting involved, you should stop writing.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/03/2012 00:36

Well I think it does, actually, so we will differ on that one OP.

Imperial is talking sense, I am too tired to be polite!

mosp · 17/03/2012 00:36

I don't know. I know he writes a lot. He's only been there 6 months. He's not said anything wrong. He's not shown that he has any feelings other than friendship for me.

OP posts:

mosp · 17/03/2012 00:37

I just said it does. I thought I was agreeing

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MrsSBackshaw · 17/03/2012 00:40

mosp there are loads of people who need friends. genuine deserving people like ex armed forces, age concern etc if all you wanted was a friend i suggest yougodown this route
However i feel you are really very lost in your own life at the moment - and i have been there - but i urge you to consider yourself in this situation.
Nothing can be gained from this situation for yourself and as others have mentioned he is almost certainly gaining comfort from other ladies who have fallen for his lines.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2012 00:41

Too tired to talk now, but maybe instead of thinking about him before you go to sleep, you should think of the person he killed? Just a thought - that person's mother could be crying right now.

mosp · 17/03/2012 00:45

Really, he's not given any 'lines'. He's just been friendly. Nothing more. The problem lies entirely with me.

OP posts:

DitaVonCheese · 17/03/2012 00:45

Wow. Some pretty crap attitudes on this thread

OP, this was the group that I went through with my penpals: Human Writes - I don't have time to look at their site now (long day tomorrow + early start, I should be in bed!) but if you contact them I'm sure they'll have some good ideas of where you can go to get some support with this.

FWIW what you are feeling (compassion, empathy, all that stuff lacking elsewhere on this thread ) are entirely normal. It's not unusual for penpals to become emotionally involved - I know some people travel over to the US to meet their penpals etc (for friendship, not marriage etc ).

For everyone else, this is from the front page of HW:

"More than 3400 people are condemned to death in the United States, facing many years on Death Row before they are executed. Many of them have been there for ten years or more and may be given several execution dates, sometimes coming within hours or even minutes of execution before the final one.

Many living under sentence of death have severe learning disabilities or are mentally ill; some have had an abusive childhood and a high proportion have had very poor legal representation. We also remember that capital punishment in the US has famously been defined "Those without the capital get the punishment".

Living conditions on Death Row in many states are harsh and dehumanising. It is not unusual for people to be locked up for 23 hours a day or to suffer sensory deprivation. Many of the prisoners are abandoned by their families and friends and some have no contact whatsoever with the outside world. Receiving letters can make a huge difference to their quality of life; prisoners speak of us as their sunshine or their window on the world. Above all, they value being able to have a normal conversation with someone and the feeling that someone cares."

mosp · 17/03/2012 00:47

Thank you for responding anyway. I know I've committed to being his friend and I don't want to abandon him. I just need to deal with the confusion in my mind.

OP posts:

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mosp · 17/03/2012 00:48

It was human writes that I went through. Saw ad in the big issue

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kipperandtiger · 17/03/2012 00:49

It's quite likely that this chap has a lot of women to write to - and he can paint a picture of himself that is totally untrue, because you can't go up to prison to check it! You're quite likely loving a person that isn't real - the person he would like to be and not the person he really is. Why not try writing to someone who is not incarcerated?

DitaVonCheese · 17/03/2012 00:49

Ah okay :) Maybe speak to your regional coordinator then? Mine was always lovely when I needed her.

Bed for me now :)

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