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Do I bin?

(316 Posts)
Feckthis Fri 16-Mar-12 23:18:43

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

Ginkypig Wed 30-Aug-17 14:59:03

That's good to hear, it's a horrible thing to through but once your on the other end and your life is calm and noone is hurting you or making things hard for you then you'll look back and think it was all worth it to get to this lovely life although I know your illness complicates my simplistic mutterings.

In term of now just don't engage or be pulled into his games and bullshit. He feeds on it and he doesn't deserve your headspace.

Whathappensinvegas Wed 30-Aug-17 09:16:45

I have got a lawyer and I've done the paperwork for divorce proceedings. This time there's no return.

He called this morning to ask if he could borrow my parents' antique dining room table for his house. I've just said no and he's now saying he will have to spend more dosh as a result. I have directed him to the charity shop. Currently dodging calls from him.

Italiangreyhound Wed 30-Aug-17 02:09:38

OP sorry things are tough but well done you found your voice and spirit.

Please get legal advice. Good luck. thanks

Ginkypig Wed 30-Aug-17 02:06:49

Please try to stay strong vegas. You and the kids deserve so so much better than this!

You have absolutely done everything in your power to try to make things work and he has screwed you at every turn.

I hope you recognise that you are brilliant and deserve a nice life despite your health issues and he has done nothing but grind you down

Whathappensinvegas Wed 30-Aug-17 01:52:59

He out. I think he's decided for himself this time. No Suicidal dramas although there has been lots of trying to put it on me. Although quite how you do that is beyond me. And in the last year or so I have got better at standing up to him and saying no. This has been deeply frustrating for him as he was not used to me standing my ground. Unfortunately, I don't have any support really from my family as although my sisters and brother say they will standby me (for example in legal meetings) they do not believe what I have told them and think that I am being over the top and sensitive. Not sure how being horrified that your son has been kicked is sensitive but that's the way it's going with them in the moment. It's like being in a parallel universe

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 30-Aug-17 01:42:15

How will you keep him out this time?

Whathappensinvegas Wed 30-Aug-17 01:37:27

I just feel so fucking stupid....I can't BELIEVE I fell for it all....seriously, he hasn't acknowledged the kids🔄' disclosures, he's pushing for 50/50 access and pressurising me to allow overnight stays even tho it's only been 2 weeks and he'd said he'd moved 'on a shoestring'...when I saw his place it was clear the shoestring I question was 24ct gold at least. Ffs. So angry.

underthebluemoon Wed 30-Aug-17 01:32:20

I have only skimmed the thread but I am sorry. At least you know you tried. Don't feel stupid. New future ahead though. He has burnt his bridges.

Whathappensinvegas Wed 30-Aug-17 01:27:26

Oh, and I've found out that he's been lying to me and bookedint and went off to a nudist place while I was away wit the kids. Now I know that naturism is mainly very healthy, outdoorsy and not weird but I also know that sometimes it's not. He has. A history of using hard core porn. I think he went off for a swingers thing perhaps? Can't even believe I'm typing this...surreal. Unfortunately I can't use this knowledge because it was obtained in a manner not recognised by the courts. So frustrating! I've gone into fight mode...just feel numb.

Whathappensinvegas Wed 30-Aug-17 01:22:38

And another update....oh god, I'm so so stupid. Here goes....eveything went ok until I realised that he just didn't give a toss about what I held near to me....the art venture I launched being a classic example...the old problems came back and I just shut down. Switched off from him and focussed on the kids and art. Scroll forward a few months and I finally took the kids away for a long (>4 nights) holiday this year where, just before we went home, my elder told me his dad had kicked younger last year. And had stopped elder from going to is brother to help. And was wearing steel toe capped boots. Enough said.

I got home from the holiday and got the kids out, booked somewhere for a few days and then told him to get,out. He's denying everything, saying elder is wrong, but is lovebombing them with toys and sweets and treats. He's rented an amazing house and filled it with amazing furniture despite having controlled our purse strings rigidly for 17 years. I am so stupid, so naive to have fallen for This. So, everyone who told me so, you were RIGHT. He is an unmitigated selfish lying twit.

Ohmywow Sat 01-Apr-17 00:06:37

Hi guys, have name changed in the meantime but wanted to check in… We are still together and despite various ups and downs it's looking good. My health is slowly deteriorating but I don't feel alone anymore. And, my art is going great guns and my children have a good relationship with their father. Just about to start a new venture in my town offering studio space to emerging artists. Can't believe how far I have come in the last few years... Big thank you to everybody who helped me.

magoria Sun 03-Jan-16 12:11:03


Good luck for the future. He knows you are strong enough not to accept his crap so make sure he stays in his new form.


BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 03-Jan-16 12:05:04

Well you're spot on that it has been a long road!

Nice to hear you sounding so positive, hope it lasts.

Great news about the painting, very best of luck with that.

Feckthis Tue 29-Dec-15 23:44:20

And...the art? Onwards and upwards, studying and selling. And loving it.

Feckthis Tue 29-Dec-15 23:43:13

Update : will you guys be disappointed? I hope not...I stuck to my guns. He moved out and we went to separation counselling. Only we didn't separate. He reset himself instead. He went into counselling for himself. He got antidepressants. Saw the light. I let him come back late summer and so far it's been brilliant. I haven't gone back to previous behaviour. I've stayed strong and been clear - the towels are still turquoise.

He is aware of what he almost lost and has recanted his previous persona. 6 months or so down the line and I'm starting to relax...I think we'll be OK. But it's been a long road.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 02-Jun-15 08:59:10

Do you have to have contact? Can you just communicate through lawyers?

Take charge, push him away out of your life, you can do it.

Really lovely paintings.

rumbleinthrjungle Sat 30-May-15 19:02:44

Just read the whole thread. Very well done you for seeing the separation through.

Both the paintings you've shared here are lovely.

tipsytrifle Sat 30-May-15 16:05:53

It can't be mere coincidence that all these opportunities are opening up now that he has left your space. See what a black hole he was, draining any kind of life from you? And here Life is, sparkling in your hands - no matter how they ache. Soil and Art, academic progression ... darn it, woman, you just might burst with joy soon! flowers

AllThatGlistens Sat 30-May-15 15:30:47

Oh Feck this is such a wonderful update, I hope you can look back on your thread and see just how much progress you have made.

Congratulations on your settled new life, wishing you happiness and peace flowers

Feckthis Sat 30-May-15 14:59:15

blush re very kind comments on my drawings. Being able to paint is quite literally holding me together.

Feckthis Sat 30-May-15 14:58:10

I have just re-read the thread well the last year or so.. Why? Because he tried to press the reset button again… Only this time I know what he's doing. You guys are awesome.

tipsytrifle Sat 30-May-15 09:14:54

oh Feck that cat painting is utterly adorable! And you, dear heart, are awesome! No going back now - his bridges are well and truly aflame now, right?

Feckthis Sat 30-May-15 07:06:06

I hear you and thank you. I'm under pressure but holding out.

KikiShack Fri 29-May-15 18:27:24

Feck please have the strength to go through with it this time.
You're a talented, funny, resourceful and quite obviously lovely woman. But you've been going over the same old ground in this thread for over 3 years now.
None of this is or was OK. POF might be the deal breaker for you, I really hope so. The thought of you wasting another 3 days nevermind another 3 years with this abusive fucker is heartbreaking. Make it stop now.
Please please do not, whatever he says, give him one last chance. Read over this thread and see how many times you have given him one last chance already. He has gone over your final line time and time and time again. No more.
You can do this flowers

Feckthis Thu 28-May-15 05:55:11

Well, it was ok until I found DH has a POF profile. I found it this morning. So I have contacted my lawyer, ring fenced our savings till we can agree matters and told him I want to divorce. This is my line and he has crossed it.

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