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Do I bin?

(316 Posts)
Feckthis Fri 16-Mar-12 23:18:43

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 21-Mar-14 08:35:38

If he wasn't so tragic, it would be funny.

That really is the final nail in the coffin of any hope for change, isn't it.

I would stop communicating about anything but when he's leaving, and arrangements for the boys when he's gone.

Broken record, repetition time.

He will continue to try and stay. You stay strong flowers

Feckthis Fri 21-Mar-14 09:17:37

He isn't leaving. He's staying. I've said I want more time. I need to get him out. I'm so fucking confused. Even though I know this is not going to end well. Maybe it is well, at least it's good from me. I'm sitting in the car ready to go and see the lawyer. Need to decide once I've spoken to her about the legal aspects. And when I say decide I mean do I just up sticks and take the kids and go myself? This might actually be the easiest option. I can't believe this is still happening. Everytime I think I've managed to do get through this something else happens and I'm back to the beginning again. He keeps on saying we both need to change the way we behave. And I keep on saying to him have you no idea what you and your actions have done to me over the years. He keeps on saying we both need to change. This is crap isn't it?

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 21-Mar-14 13:59:37

Yes it is crap

And this is hard for me to say but, I think he will try to use your illness against you with regards to the kids who has them and their welfare. He is going to play dirty and he's already started, somehow you deed to guard yourself against this.

This means getting support from all angles, and remembering that just because he states a fact doesn't make it so, it's just his opinion. If you can get though this you can deal with anything. Everything from him from now on in is a threat and should be treated as such, don't do anything you don't want to and don't allow yourself to be brow beaten or threatened. Go away with the kids for a few days with some members of your family anything to get clear of him for a while.

Feckthis Fri 21-Mar-14 15:55:58

I'm so tired. I've got lots of things planned this weekend which should give me space away without arousing suspicions. I want time to think quietly and really come to terms with what I have to do. My lawyer was ace and I can press the button now if I wanted. My finger is over it but my arm has frozen. I need to make it move again.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 21-Mar-14 17:29:13

Hi Feck

Glad the lawyer was helpful, I imagine he might by your demeanour get wind of where your going with all this. He will take the weekend to ramp things up with you, I imagine some emotional blackmail along the lines of the your not even trying to sort this out, and think of the kids type stuff. Nod and smile is always a good tactic, my fave was always just imagining every word being yada yada yada.

He will blow hot and cold, and will get angry especially if he feels it isn't working in the way he thinks you should react. Take the weekend to gauge how far he will go with threats etc, then push the button with a smile on your face.


BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 21-Mar-14 19:16:10

Excellent news about the lawyer.

Make good use of your week-end, meanwhile, I'll massage your arm and warm it up.

Ready for when you're ready.

Get them ducks lined up!

You're doing good flowers

Feckthis Fri 21-Mar-14 19:37:03

You are wonderful

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 21-Mar-14 19:41:40

Er, no, you are grin

It's you actually in it and doing it flowers

innisglas Fri 21-Mar-14 19:51:20

Just read the entire thread, Feck. And like everyone else consider that you have given him umpteen chances and life is too short. If there was a basis for his criticism of you, why does he insist on coming back all the time? Obviously you are no saint, who is? but you can be unsaintly at your own pace and get on with enjoying your life. I am honestly very lazy and hopeless with housework, and I don't have any excuse, but so what, I am happy and people who love me put up with it.

tallwivglasses Fri 21-Mar-14 19:58:15

Love the rabbit smile

Feckthis Fri 21-Mar-14 20:55:07

Friends who were coming over have cancelled at v last minute (excellent reason, I am not pissed off with them) so am sat here, knowing he's coming home soon (from pub) ... This all feels so final. I can't pretend I'm ok tho. He's being really affectionate and said he felt sad too (I'd said I was hurt and needed time) ... Such cave in...but I'm trying hard not to

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 21-Mar-14 22:42:28

I don't believe he feels affection or sadness.

I think he feels panic that his boat might about to be rocked.

Panic that he might have his support removed.

In case you're wondering, that's you.

Without you, he's nothing.

Without him, you will blossom.

Feckthis Fri 21-Mar-14 22:55:43

thankswinewinewine Such a long night...

RandomMess Fri 21-Mar-14 23:15:28

Goodness he's really awful sad he has done his best to keep you beaten down and submissive hasn't he sad

hamptoncourt Sat 22-Mar-14 08:29:03

What he is doing to you ( repeatedly) is called "pressing the re-set button" When he can see you are seriously considering splitting, he turns on the charm offensive and convinces you to give him yet another chance. Then as soon as he is "safe" he reverts back to treating you like shit.

How many more years do you want to waste feeling like this?

I bet you he has also seen a solicitor and has been given a wake up call about what his options are.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 23-Mar-14 23:11:50

How are you *Feck?

Keep posting, whatever it is.


tallwivglasses Mon 24-Mar-14 01:14:33

Why is there no <cake> emoticon? x

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Mon 24-Mar-14 09:31:29


Feckthis Wed 26-Mar-14 22:06:44

I'm here. How do I update? Will you think I failed? Perhaps but this route feels right.

I stayed strong, I refused to bow down and I told him everything I wish I'd told him until now. His emotional distance, his complete misunderstanding of my and the boys' needs, how he needs to take responsibility for his actions. He didn't know what to do, was shaken and shocked. But, after all these years he's finally agreed to see a counsellor. Not a marriage guidance one, a psychologist. And has made the appt - I made sure. And has publicly supported me in my decision to resign and focus on my art. Big steps. Huge.

I have got my legal position sorted, and financial. If he fucks up I walk and he knows that. I feel so strong, a completely new experience.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 27-Mar-14 08:57:21

No, I don't see it as failure at all.

I understand your need to exhaust every last shred of hope.

I think I had assumed that you had told him all that before.

Maybe he really has had an epiphany and will work hard to change. I hope it's not just lip service to maintain the status quo.

You deserve to be happy Feck. I wish you continued strength and lots of luck with your art.

Let us know how it goes.

Feckthis Sat 29-Mar-14 01:08:09

Thank you, that means a lot.

tallwivglasses Tue 01-Apr-14 01:20:01

cake x

Feckthis Tue 08-Apr-14 00:16:26

So, he went to see the doctor and has been referred to a psychologist because the illness he has often causes mental Why did I not know t his? I know it's not absolution but hey, it's useful info I should have had YEARS ago....

debbs77 Tue 08-Apr-14 00:49:39

Just come across this thread.

OP do you know that (if the dates are right) your first post was two years ago?? It doesn't sound like anything has changed :-(

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 08-Apr-14 01:19:09

Useful information that he should have been given at the time of his diagnosis too.
Was it news to him?

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